I am not broken

this was originally sent out as a micro-email

from Dr. Stella (day 200):

“Turns out that drinking created my problems instead of helping me cope with them. I’m sure nobody knows about this and I am the very first person to discover it ever! 🙂

… I have decided to specialize in ER and trauma. I work a lot with homeless people who are often drunk or on drugs, and I have so much empathy for them because of my own struggle. I always say to them, “you are not broken,” and they look at me like nobody has ever said that to them before. With the same shining wet eyes I saw your emails in the first days (and am still getting as I write this, dammit!)

I’m navigating my first relationship sober and it is scary sometimes because I can feel how much need is lying under my surface. I’m trying to do things differently than I did before which is counter-intuitive for me and so much better … Although it can be tough to trust it, when I hear my Wolfe speak up to tell me I don’t deserve it or that he’ll find out how defective I am, I tell him too: I AM NOT BROKEN.

Life isn’t perfect, but I am truly happy. It is hard and wild and wonderful, and now I can feel it. Sometimes that’s tough but I use what you taught me every. Single. Day. I am not broken. Don’t fuck with myself. If things are getting crazy and I hear distant howls on the horizon… GO TO BED.

Thank you a thousand thousand times for being consistent and kind and patient and absolutely just what I needed to be able to start this (20 times!) and now, stay with it. I hope everything is going well with your new apartment and your heart and in your heart of hearts.”