i guess i want to say that i am feel awkward about the Awkward post. Yes, i did spend days trying to figure out what to do. Yes, i did consider a bunch of alternatives. Yes i looked into a post office box. Yes, i really did try to think this all the way through from a bunch of different angles. Yes, I considered just saying “sorry no gifts allowed.”
I was asked if I could receive some thank yous, and I didn’t know what to do with this. I fretted for several days and then i figured that in the world of the internet, that paypal was the simplest solution.
This is new to me. There are no manuals. There are no models to follow. There’s no book written called “sober blogging and how not to get caught in a shit-storm if you mention money.”
Yes, ok, I am trying to meet everyone’s needs. Of course, you can have an opinion about how i do that, but please know that i have already tried to consider this from all sides. I’m a thoughtful and careful person. But if you want to buy me a coffee, I have no intentions of hurting your feelings either by saying “no, really, I don’t need anything in return” or “well, ok, sure,….but I really don’t want it.”
I did get a number of private emails that were very supportive about my Awkward post 🙂 But in general i have to say that I really don’t want to take any shit about someone sending me $4 to buy a latte 🙂
Yes, we get weird when money enters a conversation. Well, tough.
I think this is worth talking about head-on because we’re dealing with big fucking issues here, like sobriety. for some people that can be life and death. I am not dramatizing my role in this, i’m talking about the people who are reaching out for help. I hear this: “I didn’t want to email you again because i’ve already had two relapses and you’ve wasted enough time on me already. How can i repay you?” And i keep saying “really, you being sober is enough.”
what i’ve learned is that some people, with where they are in their addiction, have so much shame and pain that they can’t easily take any help without feeling guilty.
You can judge that if you want. You can tell me i should say “get over it.”
Those of us who have been sober for awhile can engage in long conversations about how ‘they shouldn’t feel that way,’ but after I’ve heard it for the 8th time from 8 different newly sober people, I feel like I have to do something. Please don’t judge how i’m trying to handle this. I really am doing my best. Yes i’ve tried to think of all of the sides to this. But to suggest that i should donate 2 hrs of my time per day and refuse the offer of a coffee in return is saddening. If someone is truly not reaching out because they feel like they’re a burden, I want to address that. I certainly didn’t put up the tiny gift button to ‘get rich’.
And here’s the truth and it won’t come as any big surprise. I’m not great fan of this. I really am trying to do my best. You may think i’m a blowhard shit. That’s fine. You may squirm when i put up the tiny-gift-button. I may not be doing this well enough or good enough for you. I’m sorry. I really am.
so that’s what I’m feeling. protective. and i hope i’ve already cried enough about this.
This is my best, my friends.
And it is good enough.