everything is like everything

You know how people say sobriety is like running:  just take it one kilometre at a time, one day at a time.

Or sobriety is like raising small children:  the days are long but the years are short.

Sobriety is also quite a bit like living in Vancouver:  you can walk on the beach in the morning, drive through fog at lunch, and be skiing at suppertime.

Well, I’ve also heard that “how you do one thing is how you do everything.”

How you do dishes, is how you do sobriety.  Begin ONLY when all the dishes have been gathered up from all far reaches of the apartment? Or do you start the dishes with what’s there, and add in more later as they come up?

Let me think of how I do dishes. I start with the water a little bit warm, knowing it’ll cool down as I go along.  And that I can add more hot later. (My husband starts with tepid water and adds lots of hot until the basin overflows. Metaphor much?)

My mom begins the dishes, makes piles, does the first load, has big plans, and then lets the soapy greasy water just sit there. Walks away to do something else. Comes back and the water is cold. Has to start again from scratch nearly.

My friend Pat puts her dirty dishes in the sink covered with a towel until it’s time to do the dishes, because then the counters look nice and tidy even though there’s work to be done.  Me, I set the dishes beside the sink, so that the sink is free for other things. Yes it’s not as pleasing to the eye, but it’s efficient.

The reason i’m even thinking like this today is because … well, just because.

I went out for dinner with friends on Tuesday night and the chick across from me is also a runner.  We were talking about my upcoming wedding catering next weekend (she’s one of the volunteers coming to help me here next week with the food prep). Anyway, she said that catering a wedding was like running a marathon:  you do as much prep as you can in advance, but most of it can’t be done until the day of the event. You will cry at some point, and then when it’s finished you’ll be glad you did it … but perhaps you’ll only try to do one or two marathons (weddings) per year …

I realized she was right, and I’ve felt more relaxed about the catering since then. I know that it will all work out. And that i’m doing this the way i do everything: I think about it a lot to start, then I make a chart and a plan. Then i do half of the first day’s plan.  Then I memorize and internalize the plan.  Then after I get going a bit i don’t even need to look at the plan anymore, and that half of the things i thought about in advance i didn’t even need. I will finish on time, but without much extra time to spare. I will be hugely relieved when it’s over.  I’ll wonder what all the fuss was about. I’ll realize that anticipatory anxiety is more than 85% of my problem.

Sound like sobriety? We stalk and read and lurk on blogs for a long time before we begin. We worry about imaginary future events (like: i can’t quit drinking now because next weekend i’m going to blah blah … what if my boss asks me why i’m not socializing with clients? I couldn’t possibly just say “i’m not drinking this week” so instead I better wait to quit next month).

We worry about things that don’t actually occur. We avoid beginning our sober car trip because we don’t know what to expect. (Worry: I better not quit now until I have 1000 tools in my sober toolbox … Versus: I can quit now, see what I need to add to my toolbox as I go along BASED ON HOW I FEEL and how successful I am).

Is how you approach sobriety the same way you do the dishes?

If how you do the dishes isn’t working for you, and you can never get caught up, and you don’t even know where to start … maybe it’s time to consider Plan B.  Maybe it’s time for you to have a clean counter and have the dishes done.  And you get there any way you like. I truly believe there is no right way to get the dishes done (to get sober). However you get there, just get there. Maybe you need a dishwasher, disposable plates, or to hire someone to help you.  But to just accept that your life is full of dirty dishes, and when the counters get full of dishes you transfer them to the floor, or to plastic bins, and you put them on the floor and keep on making more dirty dishes — with no plan on what to do next — well, this sounds like a special kind of hell to me.  And if you’re living the dirty dishes / drinking more than you want to kind of hell (and you’re living it bravely I must say), then you know what kind of hell it is.

Now, look up for just a second. Moving house is not the solution. Divorce is not the solution to dirty dishes. A dishwasher is the solution to dirty dishes. A tool that can help you and that you use. (You may need a divorce, too, but we’re dealing with your dishes here!)  Call someone to walk you through it while you’re doing the dishes, and who can cheerlead you while you’re in progress, tell you what to expect, which parts are hard and which parts are easy. Then do the dishes. Be accountable to someone as you do the dishes.  Find some solutions 🙂 (I hear Dawn liquid soup is good on cutting grease!)

And here’s the part where it’s me talking to me:  Belle, if how you do everything is how you do everything, then do more in advance, so that you have a bit of extra time at the end. While adrenaline is exhilarating, the adrenal fatigue is dangerous for a boozer. Slow and steady is a better approach for me.  There is no finish line. There is ‘getting it done’ with energy and time and good humour to spare.  Figure out how to do THAT.

From my inbox:

Bizi (day 32): “I read 1/3 of cosmopolitan magazine, have not done that in a very long time!”

Sarita (84): “Thanks so much Belle. I truly couldn’t have done it without you and your blog and wisdom. There’s just something about knowing your words are always available to read or reread that calms my nerves and temptations.  I’ve even started to DESIRE exercise in all this. Imagine that!!! It’s been AGES since I actually CRAVED it. So it’s like my old (new?) self is reemerging. SWEET!”

Penny (12): “Still sober, done with witching hour so tonight should be free & clear.”

JacksterT (13): “After a week of listening to your voice [with the jumpstart class] I felt as though I had finally found a sober friend who has been through it and understands. Being able to speak with you one on one was incredible and gave me such hope and inspiration! Thanks for all you are doing Belle! I’m looking forward to more classes!”

Paul (2): “I guess I am learning that the nagging doubt is *wolfie* and not *me*”

Julz (32): “I thought only I was going through the witching hour. I am so happy knowing I’m not the only one who feels like this, who gets this intense craving at 5 pm and feels like I’m going mad … My main two things that help me over this time (and through the rest of the night) are hot chocolate and baths — I actually spent and hour and a half in the bath last night, I was like a prune but heyho the craving passed.”

Team 100 Update: 250 members, welcome to member 248 Paul (day 2), member 249 Leslie (day 2), and member 250 Alice (day 5).  Happy day 100 today to Designer Rachel! 

Audio: Kiss My Ass

well, this Sunday morning audio didn’t quite go the way i thought it would. I had a serious topic in mind, and then things kind of deteriorated. I had some great coaching calls yesterday, with lots of inspiration (!) and I woke this morning with lots of ideas to share.  Here’s one of those ideas … sort of. Let me know what you think 🙂

listen-here

click here to try a podcast subscription (1 month trial) – and of course, when you get bored of me, you can cancel whenever you want

I’m in control of my energy, how much i have, and how much fun I have in my life.

I’ve just done catering for 7 hrs straight, finally finished, need to shower, I smell like a bagel.  a very good toasty bagel with cream cheese.  but a bagel nonetheless. That’s what happens when you have a convection fan oven. You open the door and “poof” you’re enveloped in a cloud of BAGEL. My skin literally smells like food.

I was just looking through my learning log and found this from 2 years ago.  It seems somehow appropriate for me to post this today.  It’s me talking to me.  And maybe I need to hear it again today. You?

August 20, 2011
(I had just spent the entire month of August learning to make bread.  The next month (Sept 2011) I started doing paid catering, so this was written just before I started.)

…I’m able now to create lovely loaves of bread with North American flour using NA recipes, and with foreign flour using foreign recipes. … Soon I’ll learn how to make bagels and cinnamon rolls with foreign ingredients.  But one thing at a time.

This lovely success set off a thought pattern of “what if i sold lots of bread? What do i need to know about doing some kind of catering thing ” — the thoughts of which i found very exciting! I spent a few hours yesterday online doing research, looking at recipes, brainstorming an “office-delivery-sandwich” business … then the next time I looked up it was 2 pm.

I realized i was getting spinny, too excited … and then it QUICKLY turned into overwhelm “there’s so much to learn, i could never do this, there are too many details, what about the health regulations, oh my language skills here aren’t good enough to do this …”

Then i heard a voice. Unfortunately it was my voice (hate it when that happens). And my voice said: that’s enough for now.

So i turned off the computer, showered (at 2 pm!), went out for a walk to the library, got a bunch of mindless reading, sat outside for an hour and read in the sun, came home and did the dishes, made supper, folded laundry.

The catering research will be there again tomorrow, and the next day.

If i get burnt out now, i won’t keep going, and i’ll take a good idea and i’ll literally kill it with too much attention, i’ll turn it into ‘work’ instead of fun.

[NOTE: this is like in early sobriety when we try to achieve too many things at the same time (like losing 30 pounds) … and then we get overwhelmed and say ‘fuck it’.]

With the catering, I’m more enthusiastic now to “save” my excitement — to think about the bread / sandwich making for only a little bit of time each day. [To plan for the future, but realize that the planning is most of the fun, and so i don’t want to get tired of it! Plan for the future but don’t get so hung up on trying to achieve it all right now.]

I get to spread out the exciting parts of this adventure (like making Christmas morning last for weeks and months instead of being over in 90 minutes).

I improve my chances that I’ll succeed by not burning out [and trying to do too much at the same time] and I’ll improve my chances of ‘keeping going’ because i’ll just deal with little bits of problems at a time, not trying to solve all of life’s problems in one-go.

I’m in charge of overdoing it, and I’m in charge of getting the help I need to remove roadblocks. I’m in charge of whether I choose to follow the advice of those who’ve been there before me. [gee, parallels with sobriety aren’t hard to spot here.]

Time to run, listen to NPR podcasts, and get home in time for Mr. B to make me bfast.

anyway, as I’m on the 2-year anniversary of starting the catering business today, this seemed like a good thing for me to read.  I’m still in charge of me.  I’m driving my own sober car. I get to do everything I want to do —– just not all at once!

[so if you’re a bit frustrated about progress, or timing, or why does this part take so long, maybe also be kind to yourself. And look that you’re not trying to do too much at the same time. You know what I mean?]

How’s that for a long post about almost nothing?

 

Bonus audio for Labour Day weekend

I wanted to record a special “Labour Day Weekend” audio bonus especially for Sober Jumpstart students.

And then I thought, fuck it, I’ll just post it on the website and everyone can listen to it, not just students.  I still have some weirdness about putting my voice on the internet for the universe to hear.

But frankly, only cool sober (or sober-wannabe) peeps are here. Right? So today you can consider yourself an honourary member of the Sober Jumpstart class.

listen-here

click here to try a podcast subscription (1 month trial) – and of course, when you get bored of me, you can cancel whenever you want

“This makes quitting much more fun”

From me:

The last weekend of summer. I’m thankfully not feeling as shitty about summer as I did last year. This is my second sober summer, and hooray it’s much easier now 🙂 I’ve had a relaxed and busy and fun and exciting summer all rolled into one hot and sunny bundle. First and foremost, being the sun-whore that I am, the best part has been the (unusually) good weather for this part of Europe. Really really nice. I haven’t had to wear socks for months (this is my definition of good-times)!

I’ve also been super busy with catering, but in a good way. I’ve been hired to cater a wedding in the Fall and now that I’ve lined up some help (duh!) I feel prepared and capable.  Parallels with support for catering and support for sobriety? Yeah, Belle. Stop trying to do it yourself. Ask for help. Accept help. Don’t just collect tools for the toolbox. Actually USE the tools. Again, duh.  (All I did was email 3 people and asked if they’d volunteer to help me with the wedding food prep, and in return i offered to pay them with food.  All three people said yes, and one volunteered to take a paid vacation day, and come spend 14 hrs with me on the day before the event.  She OFFERED this. Let me say it again, because I’m speaking to myself here:  Ask for help, and then accept the help. STOP flailing around in the dark.)

I’ve also decided (finally) to phase out Job #2 entirely. I’ve been walking around this for a while, but now I’m ready to do it.  The fear I had about losing the potential of what could have been has left me. I spent a lot of time and money trying to get Job #2 to work and it never really did.  It earned some money, but never in relation to the sheer effort expended. I bought a lot of expensive training, I tried different ‘revenue streams’ and a bunch of other internet marketing bullshit. It just did not work well enough. The ‘big payoff that’s just around the corner’ never came. I learned A TON, I have a a bunch of excellent training that I can now apply to something new. And I’m finished trying to push a truck uphill (which is what this job felt like from the beginning). Last night I started to write my “i’m closing this company” email that I’ll send out to the clients/prospects, and it was all i could do to NOT press send right away. Yes, I’ll wait until after the long weekend, or it’s going to get lost in people’s inboxes. Today I feel relief. While this Job #2 has a very large prospect/mailing list of people who’ve opted in for ‘more information’, the actual client list is very small. Ten people will email to say “sorry to hear your news.” And one single person may really be freaked that I’m shutting it down.  I’m OK with this. She can visit me when she’s in town and I’ll take her for tea.

When I send the email to Job #2 on Thursday next week, I’m going out for dinner to celebrate.  It’s also my wedding anniversary (Sept 5).  I’m going to celebrate big time. Bring on the American burgers! And the sparkling water! This girl knows how to par-tay!

From my inbox:

Ella (day 29):   Thanks again [for being my sober penpal].  This makes quitting much more fun.  I’ve had enough crappy, dreary quits to last me a lifetime.

TheRealMe (10): I’m an almost-40-year-old mom who is finally ready to give my poor mind and body a break from 25 years of binge drinking. I am tired of drinking and tired of thinking about drinking. Tired of being the shitty mom who cares more about the glass (bottle) of wine I get to have after work than seeing my kids. Tired of needing 2 or 3 drinks before the drinking occasion just to “get ready” … Tired of alcohol taking up so much damn space in my brain!!! I don’t even know who I am — I don’t know how to feel my emotions and I really don’t like myself at all right now. I want the second half of my life to be real and I know that quitting drinking is the only way to achieve that. Thanks for listening and adding me to your 100 day challenge!

C How (70): I am starting to feel bits of a new me … I actually got up at 6 a.m. this morning to make an 8 a.m. “horseback riding for fitness” class — an 8 a.m. fitness class is definitely another first for me LOL — I haven’t scheduled anything before 9 or 10 a.m. in probably 20 years 🙂

Quill (19): Shit! Cravings. Long-lasting and insistent, like a sore tooth. It’s half wanting to drink because I want to drink so I can stop thinking about drinking, and half longing for just a little numbness, just the edge off, just the blurring of the sharper parts of tonight’s sad mood. But I’m not going to drink, just out of sheer inability to believe in the urgency. Like a kid who’s stopped believing in Santa Claus, or when you discover something gross and mean about your crush and can’t remember anymore why you found her attractive. My cravings want me to think I’ll implode without alcohol but I know I won’t. I know I can sit here and be fucking miserable as shit until I fall asleep and the world will keep turning and I’ll wake up sober …  I’d love a drink. But it’s just so … dumb. I can’t even fake belief in something that obviously ludicrous. So I’ll email you, to get it out of my head, and I’ll eat some strawberry ice cream and watch TV and finish a load of laundry, and I’ll be sadder than I would if I were drunk, but I’ll wake up sober, and tonight will be safe and untouchable in the books.

Read Blog Posts in Order: 

I’ve put together a collection of my blog posts, in chronological order, so you can see where i was on day 18 and see if it’s like where you are! You can order order the collected PDF file here.

Team 100:

228 members, welcome to Jules (5), Nic (4), DianeLouise (5), Ella (29), and Jo (8).  Happy days to KristinRecovering, she’s on Day 100 today 🙂  Say hello to Rose Garden (35), MC (19), MaryPatricia (50), Spencer (22), Liberte (15), Beckie (61), Irish Eileen (115), Olivia (40), Pete (58), KC (70), Sarita (71), runningfromthebooze (75), Camla (91), Lex (16), Rebecca (160), and Leah & Elle are both 110.

Drinking is the biggest fucking pause-button on life.

hahahaha. you all saw this coming right? That the coaching thing would blow the roof off, nearly taking my fucking head with it. You saw this coming? Why am i so incredibly unaware of what is happening in my own life.

last week i said to Mr. Belle that maybe i’d run the Jumpstart class once a month, and the demand is great enough to run it every week.  I said to him, just now, “maybe 10 is a good number of students per session, to manage the emails, the phone calls, etc.”

He says hahahaha you said that Team 100 would surely stop at 100 people…

and i said yes, i really did think that. at the time.

Because when i started sober blogging just over a year ago, I felt very alone. I knew i drank more than I wanted to but I didn’t really know how to stop. I certainly thought that quitting drinking would be gross and that i’d hate it.  I never thought in a billion years that i’d like being sober. I didn’t realize that online we’d have this cool support thing. I never in a billion years figured i’d be penpals with 205 people. I never in a squillion years figured i’d have a coaching thing that is running weekly. I say to husband: there aren’t enough people wanting to get sober to have a class every week, so i’ll probably do it once a month. hahahaha.

Yes, i know it’s up to me to manage the flow.  but what i’m remarking on today, with a high level of incredulity, is the flow itself.  There’s a fuckload of people who drink more than they want to. This is still shocking to me. I don’t really know why it’s shocking. It’s like i’m three years old and i’m just waking up from a nap. My view is distorted and i can’t form a coherent sentence. I stare around, unspeaking, my brain swirls.  I thought it was just me. i figured there couldn’t be anyone else out there like me.

I email the second jewlery chick who’s making bracelets (too much demand for just one chick). and I realize that i have reinvented myself in the short space of 13 months and most of it has happened without me really even realizing it.  Yet every one else can see it around me? isn’t that always the truth.  As Amy and Mr. Belle and you-all laugh and laugh at me today, I’m sitting here thinking:  OK Universe, what next?  Another Sober Work-shop (how to deal with ‘future’ events, learning to be patient, how to fix things that are broken), or a Sober Fun-shop (now that you’re sober, how to find a passion and twirl it around into something nourishing – especially when booze has systematically robbed us of hobbies, passions, and inspiration).

dear universe, what say you?

Team 100 update: 205 members, welcome to Lilith (8), LD (8), Babs (3), Trish E (39), Ebaliff (22), Erin-Kay (14), Lisa (18), JennyGardenGirl (9), One Hundred (4), Kay (12), Heather (3), Kam (11), Cheryl (hooray she’s on day 1), Pam (4), and MC (hooray they’re on day 1 too).  Happy days to: Carrie (155), Sunny Sue (160), JG (7), Mary (80), Jackie (110), Sam (7), Lex (28), Jessica (31), Donna (21), Lime Tree (50), Melinda (50), Maya June (50), Pete (40), Kathleen (13), Stargal (41), CGW (21), BST (21), FitFatFood (14), Tami (10), Gina (10).

Ohhhhh I think i get it now.  All I have to do is show up. Be present. Show up. The rest unfolds as it should.  The challenge isn’t in ‘reinventing’ myself. The challenge is to show up, warts and all, incessant talking to myself and all, and just see what happens.  “Don’t you want to know what happens next?” Why would I drink now. Cuz if i drink now, I’ll never know ‘what happens next.’ Drinking is the biggest fucking pause-button on life. I get it now. Remove the booze and the pause button is removed.  That’s it.  Then all you gotta do is get support, be open to stripping away your shit, be ready to be honest, figure out who you really are.  And then just show up.

holy fuckers, batman. this shit’s huge.

a sunny sunday

It’s really true, she’s really done it!  Lilly is on day 100 today 🙂  Hooray Hooray for You!

My first week of sober coaching is finished, and a new group starts tomorrow. I feel happy and relaxed and thrilled and teary and lovely. And it’s Sunday and a sunny day, and i’m going to turn off the computer and head outside and go somewhere and eat lunch outside and take pictures.

OK, here is some of what’s in my inbox. You have no idea how lucky i feel this morning, to wake up to messages like this!

From my inbox:

“I was 8 days sober when this audio class started.  The advice is so valuable to me.  The topics, the suggestions and the tools to put in my toolbox will stay with me on my way through sobriety.  I think that’s why I failed in the past, no toolbox and no support.  Belle explains how necessary these things are to continue the journey.  I am truly sorry the class has ended! Maybe a two-week course would be even more beneficial. The phone call was great, like talking to an old friend, one I can bare my soul to. I don’t have anyone else like that in my life right now. If you’re newly sober or still on the fence, this class can give you the tools to continue being sober or to take that leap off the fence.” ~Sharon

“I really like that you are ‘talking’ to us, not reading a script. It’s very ‘real/honest’ in that sense. (I love the part where you ask us to close our eyes but it’s not ‘touchy feely’. Perfect, because touchy feeling is NOT my gig!”) ~Nancy

“Day 1 of your audio guide massively helped. I like that it wasn’t scripted and that you were very relaxed. It helped me feel that there was a “real person” at the end of the recording, just talking anecdotally about what has worked for them.  This is what I love about the blogging community and online help — it’s all so anecdotal, trying things out, learning from others, one day at a time. No strict rules … just strong women and their experiences.” ~FitFatFood

“A lot of what you said made sense to me. I was thinking how much better it is to hear someone say this stuff than it is to read it. To know you have been in a place similar to where I am now, and to hear you say it, impacts me differently for some reason. I know I’m not alone in having this problem, but the part of me that feels alone, my innate self, the part that reached out for help, feels like it is being listened to.” ~Rose

“Just listened to the audio, wondering how I even remotely thought I would NOT cry. (1) I’m a crier.  (2) I’m on day #8 and that is pretty fucking emotional. (3) You are truly a gift.  At least I’m NOT crying the “poor me, I’m not drinking ever again” cry.  You made so many good points, but my standout was understanding why we’re doing 100 days sober, and *hearing* that I’m not broken, but my wolfie noise is loud and once it settles I will *believe* that too.” ~FacingMeNow

“Hearing you is different from writing, I listened to the first audio 3 times. I could sense this is coming from intuition as well as  past experience.” ~Em

“One of my favorite parts was the end — when you asked us to close our eyes.  And you told us we were not broken.  And I believe you.  I don’t even know you, and you live thousands of miles away, but I believe YOU more than I believe the people whom I see in the group I attend.  I feel like you have made an investment in me ever since my first Day One and you have NEVER given up on me, even when I temporarily gave up on myself.” ~MG

fruit & beauty treat

treat-fruit+beauty

Thanks to the Tiny Gift Button

Blueberries (which are hard to find here), Belgian strawberries, citrus flower body wash, turquoise nail polish for my toes (!), and some raspberry lip gloss.

This is to celebrate my first week of coaching. I will consume/use/smell/wear some of each today!

Today’s Ticker:

201
(number of people in Team 100)

2
(spots left in next week’s class)

3
(wolfie bracelets left in this batch)

2
(number of kilometres ran this morning)

0
(this the number of fucking flower venders at the market today – not ONE – it’s vacation time – i want to buy some nice fucking flowers!)

1
(number of extra catering jobs that came in yesterday, “oh can you do a dinner for 10 and deliver it to us, and can make lots of yummy stuff and homemade cheese crackers … for Tuesday? Yes.)

0
(number of silicon spatulas that I own that I like; must remedy this situation)

“I didn’t believe life could be good without alcohol”

Amy is 8 months sober today. Please show her some love. Carrie is on day 150. Adrian is day 30.  CGW is on day 16. And me, i’m somewhere around day 400 (holy, when did that happen?).

from my inbox:

Erinup (31): So on the 30th day of my sobriety I was given an opportunity to glimpse maybe what it might feel like to follow that dream a little. I feel like I was given a that a month ago I would not have been able to receive. I would not have been clear-headed enough to have led the class and I don’t think I even would have been aware that it was something I wanted to do.  Oh and I had a piece of cake to celebrate!

KT (about turning 100): It is just so weird to me because I have been 100 days sober + many times, but it has never felt so right.  I finally think I truly get the fact I can’t drink like a normal person & that’s OK!  There is life after alcohol.  For so many years of struggling with this it has always been such a battle & that is because I didn’t believe life could be good without alcohol.  I wish it wouldn’t have taken so long for me to get to this point but I guess I should just be thankful I finally got here! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Susan (24):  It means a lot to me to recognize I have a problem and I am able to correct it  by choosing not to drink and finding support in many different ways.   Going online and seeing many different people coping with the same issues has been so helpful in lifting the shame around it.

NoMoreVino (24): Still sober!  I continue to be amazed at your following for this challenge.  I got my bracelet last night too.  It was cool as shit to have the piece of jewelry made by Ellie (she was the very first blogger I followed and she led me to all of you) and sent from YOU with your signature & hugs XO on the envelope.  It made this all seem a little more real.  We’re real.  We’ve all been there, done that, doing it.  Super cool to feel like I’m part of this amazing community of sober people.   Thanks again Belle – I could have never gone 22 days without drinking (and be excited about it) without all of you!! 🙂

MG: I loved the clip (from audio #1).  Your voice was so soothing, reassuring, encouraging and CONFIDENT!  I think my biggest takeaway from listening to it was that it really takes about 100 days to retrain our minds.  I have been reading this all along of course, but somehow HEARING it made me actually think about BELIEVING it.

puff pastry, and oh it’s a good day

today I am making notes and planning my first ‘coaching’ class thingy. and I’m doing some catering. and I’m making puff pastry.

And really, I’m having the best day. Up early after a long sleep, a good run, 5 minutes of meditation (that’s about how long i can tolerate sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for a miracle but instead thinking about fennel soup).  then i had a long shower in the dark.

so i have this idea for the first class thingy, and i briefly run it past my husband.

I say: “It’s a 5-day class. Imagine you’re in a small town and too embarrassed to go to AA. Where else can you get anonymous one-on-one help? Imagine that you can’t even tell your doctor that you want to quit drinking. You can’t even tell your husband.”

My husband shrugs. Then we agree that he’s not an alcoholic and I go back to rolling out butter between two sheets of parchment paper for the puff pastry.

oh and it’s 33C at 12:30 pm. Look it up. that’s hot. and it’s not even the hottest part of the day yet.