yes, these things are true

Yes.

Yes. it does suck that you don’t lose weight when you first quit drinking. Yes i agree. It’s unfair.

Yes, it’s totally OK to stay home instead of socializing on your FIRST weekend sober. Yes. You’re taking care of you.

Yes, you can quit drinking without telling everyone you have a PROBLEM. you don’t have to tell your husband yet. You will find a way of explaining what you’re doing that feels good to you.

Yes, i talk about who to tell, and what to say, and what else to drink instead, and what to expect in the sober jumpstart class. you can even hear my voice. and maybe you’ll find it a tiny bit funny and entertaining when i swear on the audios. maybe.

Yes, you will feel tired when you first quit drinking. Your poor body needs to rest and reset. Sleep as much as you can for the first 30+ days. Take naps, order take-out.

Yes, it’s entirely possible to quit drinking if your husband works in a brewery, or if he drinks the contents of the brewery, or if he thinks that online sober support is a scam/cult. Yes, what you’re doing is for YOU. He’s on his own journey. Look away.

Yes, you can argue that treats aren’t necessary for you. And i’ll probably make some suggestions for treats you might like. that said, you will figure out your own way through. what you’ve been doing before hasn’t been successful. so you know, it can’t hurt to have some tea or a breakfast sandwich now and then as a treat

Yes, your kids do notice when you’re drinking, and yes they notice when you stop. They notice a lot. They notice in ways that they’ll never be able to explain with words. cuz something like ‘trust’ doesn’t have easy words to describe it. They notice. they will not use words to tell you how they notice.

Yes, you will feel gigantically shitty if you drink for 2 days, be sober for 1 or 2, drink for 5 days, quit again. It’s so true, but hanging around day 1 is probably the hardest place to be. you have none of the benefits of drinking (are there any benefits?), and you have none of the benefits of sobriety (there are many). Day 1 is too close to the sewer. It’s time to step out into the light.

Yes, the Fuck You Wolfie bracelet does help. but you have to wear it. you look down at the bracelet, and you think “OK i’m doing this. This sober thing? this is me. doing it.” and then you yell at wolfie. alone in your car, under your breath in the grocery store.

YES, you can try to quit all of your vices at the same time with a juice cleanse or a raw vegan diet thrown in for good measure. I’ll probably suggest that it’s not a terribly fun or wise to do it all at once.

YES, repeatedly relapsing does mean something. it means that whatever you’re doing so far is good, but it’s not enough. you need to add more supports. if each time you begin again you add more supports, then eventually your sober tool kit will be big enough to get you through .. sometimes the support you need will be rehab. sometimes the support you’re missing is more connection.  sometimes the support you need will be AA. sometimes the support you need will be listening to sober podcasts. it’s not really about ‘trying harder’ … what else could you add?

and YES, i do believe you can do it, even when you don’t believe it yet. I have been on day 1 and day 7 and day 37 and day 287. I remember exactly how i felt. I felt like there were two versions of me: The ‘real’ version of me was the drinker … and the ‘new/shadow’ version of me walking alongside was the sober me.  it took a LONG time until i really really really felt that the new sober me was the ‘real’ me. But thankfully, while i was going along, it didn’t matter. I continued to drive along in my sober car, with both versions of me still present, and I just kept going until the fake drinking me faded entirely. That you can see both versions doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. just keep going.

 

prunes, vacuums, and nature

thank god it’s all over, the holiday season. didn’t realize how exhausted and stressed i was, how near to drinking i probably was 3 or 4 times.  I didn’t seem to remember that it would take me a full 10 days of my 14 day vacation to truly unwind (i’m there now!). i’m glad the whole holiday/celebrating thing is finished, that new years eve is done, that my 6 month sober-versary has passed — and with it any ideas i had of ‘maybe i can drink now that it’s been 6 months’.  done with that kind of thinking. now i can go back to my regularly scheduled sober life.

and i feel pretty great. strangely empowered. better than i’ve felt in a long, long time.  I’m a girl who loves her vacations, that’s for sure.  i like working when i feel like it, sleeping, running, and frigging around in the kitchen.  i like planning for the new year without actually doing anything to advance my plans!  (I am a girl who loves a plan, but i might even like MAKING plans, and scheming new plans, more than i even like having the finished plan. I like the chart paper on the wall, i like the vomiting of ideas, deciding which ones to pursue, what to prune.)

What to prune.  This brings me to today’s a-ha moment.

i’ve been on autopilot for so many years, that now being 6 months sober is providing me with an unusually clear perspective and a quiet sense of determination.  Pruning.  I’m about to prune some of what i do in Job #2.  Eliminate a few services that are irritating and not worth it anymore.  what’s HILARIOUS is that i found a note from november 2011, where i identified that i wanted to prune Job #2.  And then i didn’t do any of it.  i kept drinking (January to June) and then beginning in July, all i could focus on was getting/staying sober.

Now that i’ve been squirted (splat!) out the other side, i had a look around was like “yeah, now’s the time. do some pruning.”

And as soon as i figured out the first thing to prune, a new idea came into my head to take its place, hopefully bigger and better, something i’ll love doing instead of something i feel obligated to do.  you know, that stupid fucking trite saying about ‘nature abhors a vacuum’ … well.

well that’s all i have to say about prunes, vacuums, and nature.

Here are my 2013 things i’d like to do (not resolutions).  I record them here so that i can torture congratulate myself later when i check them off one by one [sorry Amy if you’re seeing these more than once]:

  • get 100% caught up on paperwork, filing, banking, accounting
  • trim 3 things from my business #2 which isn’t doing very well
  • add 3 new things (not yet imagined) to business #2 to see if it perks things up (i have one of them imagined already)
  • build my passion job #3 thingy to a more steady and reliable stream of income
  • I’d like to lose 15 pounds, then re-evaluate, and perhaps lose another 5 after that (this was a 2012 goal that I’m carrying forward; I’ve lost 7 of the original 15, but still have a bit to go)
  • I’d like to eat my way down to the bottom of my freezer (this was also on my list for 2012, that I’m carrying forward)
  • read 52 books in a year.  This year I read 40 34
  • continue to run 3-5 times per week
  • continue to be sober until July 1st which is my one year s0ber-versary. I can re-evaluate then, but I suspect I’ll remain sober.  it suits me.
  • have one night away per month, with or without husband, for mini-vacations since we’re not able to afford real vacations this year.
  • I’d like to be thin, with long hair, eyebrows done from the salon, nice nails, and have a good (real) tan.  then I’d like to go home in July to see my sisters… yes, even at age 46 the sibling rivalry continues … it can be pretty motivating. I’m trying to let this go.
  • I’d like to be in bed by 10:30 most nights, and 9:30 pm at least one night per week.

In general, I’d like to experience the feeling of being ‘done’ with a bunch of loose ends.  I’m spread a bit thin, and I think the kindest gift I can give myself this year is to do fewer things better.

Happy New Year everyone 🙂

Goal #4 is better than 95%…

funny. re-reading notes from january made while reading a self-help book. i made a list of personal development goals:

  1. Thin and lean, strong, bathing suit body
  2. Long hair, well groomed, nails, eyebrows
  3. Ridiculously well read, 52+ books/year
  4. Alcohol free (to 95%),with toasts and treats but no regular consumption
  5. Even mood, good sleep
  6. Clean, tidy, organized, prepared in advance
  7. Run more consistently
  8. Be more patient, willing to go slowly and do the work as well as dream outrageously

I’m always fascinated when i reread my journals. What strikes me about this list is that now that we’re nearing the last 3 months of the year, i can say that other than reading a ton, i do have the rest of it pretty much under control. Oh, well i don’t have #1. But goal #4 is better than 95%. Goal 6 is happening. Number 7 is true. and number 8 is definitely improved.

What i didn’t realize in writing this list back in january, was that the keystone habit that i needed to incorporate — the one thing that i could change that would make everything else easier — was being 100% sober. Had no idea how much easier it would be to achieve everything else i wanted in my life. Also had no idea quite how hard it is would be to quit. Could never, ever have done it alone. Blogging and this community is what made it possible for me.

While I do still toy with the idea of 95% sobriety, with treats and toasts, for the most part i’m too freaked out to lose the other things i’ve gained, and so for now, since i have something that’s working, i don’t want to fuck with it.

It’d be like if you gave up wheat and refined sugar (my next goal?), and you lost 20 pounds (is that me?), and then someone says “don’t you miss cake?” and you say “sure i miss cake, but i like this better.” I feel that way about wine now. maybe i’ll feel like that about cake some day. maybe after 30 days of anything that is life-improving, you’re more likely to say “i like this much better than that old thing.”

The hard part is starting and getting some momentum in your little car.

and now that i’m nearly at 90 days, i’m certainly not the slightest bit interested in starting to count days again from day #1.  and fuck yeah, sure, i’d love some wine. and yes, I’d like a glass of champagne now and then.  But for now, i am continuing to decide that the other gains i have are worth it.  Much more worth it than a glass of wine.

tuesday weigh-in

day 45. all is well. i haven’t had any of the “holy shit i had a drink” dreams. Instead i dreamt that i was handed a glass, and had a sip of wine and then spit it out, shouting to the hostess who served it to me: “I don’t drink!”

not only is “all well” with me today, but i’d like to continue feeling like this please. yesterday and today (so far) have been surprisingly settled, calm, happy, even days. Better than i’ve felt in a LONG time. Maybe the best that  i’ve felt, ever. happy but not manic. content but not wacky. just good.

Now let’s talk about the 3 very small slices of chocolate cake i had yesterday. miniscule, really, but 3 nonetheless. I did mention that i wanted to do some baking during this vacation, and yesterday i got down to business.

i know that running 5 days a week, at my slow pace and for short distances, is all about mood control and not about weight management. I’m completely fine with that. I love running, and I don’t need to change anything about how i’m doing it. But my level of running does not permit me to eat ANYTHING i want.

yes, early days of quitting booze meant that i really didn’t have any choice. I needed the sugar and the calories and i needed it a lot.

but today is day 45 and i’m feeling good. so i’m going to slowly and gently begin to rein in the cake.

need a t-shirt made up:

“Must Eat Less Cake”

on my run today, i decided it will be best (for me) if i do something ‘out loud’ and accountable.  Since i know from the law of attraction that what we focus on EXPANDS, then i will focus on pounds lost, so that i can watch that number grow.

Since quitting booze 45 days ago, as of today, Tuesday morning, I am down 2.2 pounds. not bad considering said cake. Every Tuesday morning for the next several weeks, i will post my total weight loss so that I can watch the number increase … sort of like watching my sober days increase.  My current sober goal is 90 days (and beyond). my current weight goal is 15ish pounds (possibly beyond, i’ll see when i get there).

If you’re interested in joining me, you can go and weigh yourself now (2.2 pounds = 1 kilo). Yes, you can weigh yourself now, even if you’ve just eaten. Think how low the number will be by comparison next tuesday when you weigh yourself first thing : ) There’s no right time to start. There’s just now, and i’m starting here. i didn’t want to take on too much in the first 45 days, but now i feel OK with charting my numbers.  nothing strenuous. no big diet. just conscious awareness. and mindfulness.  Are you gonna join me?