sober writing treat

tea-cup-treats

working on a secret writing project (samples can be found in the micro-emails). this is my sober reward for 5 days in a row of writing first thing in the morning, modem unplugged, before i run, in the dark most days. Wanted to do 500 words a day. Am averaging 1000. I bought these english tea cups from a new tea man, who can make sober tea for us. all is well in the world today. i’m pretty darn thankful 🙂

extract from today’s micro-email: “What I know now (that I didn’t know then) is that no matter how high or low our drinking bottom is – DUI or jail or rehab or lost marriage or lost opportunity or wasted time – we share these four things…”

do you show up with a straw or a shovel?

lushtreat

Thanks to the Tiny Gift Button

Used some tiny gift money to get myself some smell treats yesterday. Now i can’t stop sniffing my hair.

Unfortunately, though, I’ve fallen into the habit of receiving tiny gift money, I say ‘thanks”, and then I put the email into a folder called: “Donations Not Yet Spent.” Yes, sometimes I buy flowers, or fruit. But there are emails in this unspent folder dating back to January of this year…

It’s like I’m collecting the good will of the gifts, but not actually benefiting from them. It’s like I’m watching the balance go up, but am reluctant to spend it.

I’m the same way with furnishing this new (still empty) apartment. and it’s becoming distressing actually. Because I know what it is.

It’s an attitude of scarcity.

I have a thinking process where I feel that if i spend the gift money, then it’ll be gone, and then I will have an empty folder. Really? Is it better to see a folder of thanks than to benefit from the thanks? Is it better to collect instead of having experiences? That’s like watching your bank balance go up just for the fun of watching numbers, but for no actual gain or benefit or motive other than simply to watch the numbers…

And today i’ve just realized that I know this thing about scarcity already. And i know how to overcome it. I just recorded a Sober Rescue Audio about this idea of scarcity thinking. I was talking about it in the context of sober support … how we show up at the milkshake of sober support with only a straw, and we insist on taking tiny sips. We know that support is available to help us get/be/stay/enjoy being sober, and we don’t reach for it. Or we reach for it tiny little sips.

Instead, really, we should show up at the milkshake of support with a shovel. Take a bunch of support (i mean, it’s there for the taking). get ourselves solidly sober, and then ease up on the quantity of support later.

Here’s a clip from Rescue Audio #4:

And you know it makes sense to me when i say it in the context of sober support.

But when it comes to me looking at my paypal balance, I guess i still have some scarcity stuff going on.

I’ll keep thinking. i’m going to make a plan to spend the money in the folder. maybe i’ll buy the pink chair.

and i’m going to keep smelling my hair.

I’ll make potato salad for YOU but I won’t make it for myself

did you notice those crickets? yeah, that was me. silent. ha. hardly ever happens. interesting. i’m happily emailing my sober people, just not writing as much here. busy with sloth followed by catering this week. and my job #1 was busier than it has been.

At the end of the night, last night, when Mr. B and i relate the best part of our days, and the parts we’d like to change, I said that i’d had a good day because I’m a much happier person when i have enough to do — not too much, not pressurized — but when i have projects that are beyond my own self-generated ones like ‘clean the fridge’. I told him i just ‘feel better’ when i’m doing more things (job #1 was busy yesterday + catering = a nicely full day).

What this really means is I feel better when I’m productive.  Not just busy for no reason. Not stressed and overtired. Better When Happily Puttering Away at Things That Please Me.

Then as i write this, i realize that the same tasks on a different day could have made me irritated. It’s probably not the tasks, it’s probably me. Yesterday I was quite happy to make potato salad. But i really like the client, and she’s so happy with all the food she gets.  If it’s just me making potato salad for ME, I’m all like meh, boil potatoes, boil eggs, make mayonnaise, chop pickles, chop celery. who cares.

oh god, am i so transparent that i’ve just written the truth that is me? I’ll make potato salad for YOU but I won’t make it for myself. yeah. there we go.

do i really really love a clean house? yes. do i give that to myself? no. do i resent when my husband doesn’t give it to me? yes. do i think of paying someone to do it for me? sometimes. Have you heard my audio about cinnamon toast? oh. god. this is the same thing.

This is the ‘self-care’ thing that we boozers suck at. Before my epic drinking began, I used to make dinner for myself, single girl, i planned my meals and made grocery lists and everything. When i was single girl, i made potato salad. I didn’t see it as ‘too much work’.

then the drinking became ‘daily’, and then Every Fucking Thing was too much work, because it kept me from drinking. Clean the fridge or drink? Wolfie would win that one quite easily.  Make dinner with all the lovely ingredients I’ve just purchased that are now sitting on the counter, or drink? Wolfie would win that one too. Shove the food back into the back of the fridge and call for pizza.

I had only one way of administering self-care. it was to pour a bottle of wine on my head.

for one day, today, for right now, for this minute, i’m going to try to figure out what I can do that would make me feel good. like, really good.

And even if i have to mechanically go through a list of things, i’m going to find something. If the first treat/reward doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean that my sober toolbox/treatbox is broken. It just means I need to use a different treat.

First up. OK. I have some really nice freshly squeezed OJ. Yes, it’s true, i did make it for a client, but there’s some left over for me.

What? That doesn’t count? I have to ‘do something FOR me?’ fuck, you’re tough.

ok.

By Me. For Me. 

OK, i’ll windex my glass desk. It’s been months. and I’ll make some nice little piles of receipts and tax things. and i’ll put the old newspapers into recycling. and i’ll se the timer. I think it’ll take me about 12 minutes. Go.

~

Happy Day 50 to Pastor K!

Happy Day 50 to Jaden!

Happy Day 50 to Dubby!

Happy Day 50 to AngieG!

Happy Day 50 to Liam!

Happy Day 100 to Lo!

Happy Day 100 to Isabel!

Happy Day 100 to Cyndy!

Happy Day 100 to Rich!

Happy Day 180 to Tammi!

Happy Day 180 to Shay!

Happy Day 180 to Shell Bell!

Happy Day 180 to Tuomas!

Happy Day 180 to RM!

Happy Day 200 to SarahinSurrey!

Happy Day 200 to Mack!

Happy Day 200 to RF!

Happy Day 300 to Victoria!

Happy Day 300 to JennyGardenGirl!

Happy Day 300 to Tami!

Happy Day 600 Sober Kat!

Happy Day 700 to me 🙂

a bread book

Thanks to the Tiny Gift Button

book-and-pam-treat

I had said that I’d use recent donations for these items, and here they are!
Yes, I also got flowers.
And today G. sent me haircut money and I promptly went out and got a haircut.  Like, this afternoon.

the next bit of donations will be used as follows:

~ Dirty Dishes: A Restauranteur’s Story of Passion, Pain and Pasta (5,30€ used)

~ Running socks (4,95€)

~ 3/4 length running pants/shorts (9,95€)

~ a nice hamburger dinner with Mr. B (i’ll have one with BBQ sauce, he’ll have one with black peppercorn sauce) (30€)

~

Happy Day 50 to Moon Alley!

Happy Day 50 to OKGray!

Happy Day 50 to Khyr!

Happy Day 100 to Onyx Star!

Happy Day 100 to Gordon!

Happy Day 100 to Pink!

Happy Day 100 to Penguin!

Happy Day 100 to Tree!

Happy Day 100 to melissawyne!

Happy Day 100 to Aschae!

Happy Day 105 to Emery!

Happy Day 180 to Josh!

Happy Day 180 to TheFun4!

Happy Day 180 to Laurel!

Happy Day 200 to Annie2!