Cleo posted a comment on my last post about how it was good to see that i wasn’t superhuman after all 🙂 I started to write an answer to her in the comments, but have now copied it into a separate post here so that it doesn’t get lost.
I hope that anyone following my blog for a while would see that I often have crises, where I decide I’m going to drink, give myself a week to consider it, and then change my mind. that seems to be how I’m getting through this. Postponing tricks my wolfie, and for that I’m thankful. there’s nothing very superhuman about me at all, I can assure you. I’m a grumpy wife 2 out of 4 weeks a month. i suck at paperwork and taxes.
but I have decided that if I do ‘fall off the wagon’ that it will be a considered thing, not a “fuck-it” thing, because i don’t want to regret the decision and have to start over again. This is the thought process that has kept me going to this point.
Today I can say that I don’t see myself ever drinking again, but I know that in a few days, or when I next get a cold, I’ll drag out all of my woe-is-me nonsense and my “fuck-it” threshold will get quite high. I’ll decide to drink in a week, like I did as recently as valentine’s day, and then the week will pass.
this second, today, I am in a very good place. I’m nearly 9 months sober. And for today, right this second, I’m good. I’m terrified of what Paul wrote about on my blog, that there aren’t any happily-ever-after moderation stories.
The other thing about sobriety/recovery, at least for me, is realizing that I am not special. I’m not the one person who’ll succeed at moderation where others have failed. I am not terminally unique. Really, I’m like everyone else. If I wanted to quit drinking in the first place then it’s because my level of alcohol consumption was a problem. Doesn’t matter how BIG of a problem, it was a problem. So I’m doing what I need to, to continue to not drink. For me that’s included blogging, and being a sober penpal to a few people.
and i don’t want to start over again cuz it takes a while to feel as good as this. and so i’m not fucking with it. maybe i could moderate? Maybe this is true. But where i am now is *greatness* with no regret and no guilt and no extra weight (i’ve lost 10 pounds so far) and more running and more inspiration and better sleep and a third fun passion job thingy…
i’m certainly not superhuman. i’ve realized that i can’t learn all the lessons in the world first-hand. i’m willing to take the advice of others. and baby, that is rocking-good-times easy 🙂 cuz there’s lots and lots of genius out there, and this blogging world brings me in contact with them day after day after day.
love, me