Tag: sleeping through the night

the 5-7 pm witching hour

Belle 10 Comments

i got a random, lovely email from a lurker (hi, y’all!), and i’m not sure if she’s using her real name in her email to me, so i’m gonna call her Miss Molly.  She’s been reading my blog, and said some nice things, and then said she’d picked her quit date last week (hooray!) … I offered to be pen pals, and in addition to saying thanks, she had a specific question: How to deal with the witching hour of 5 pm to 7 pm (kids hungry, trying to get dinner on the table, scheming and planning and waiting for the wine to begin).

Now, i work from home so i can start dinner whenever i like. and i don’t have kids. so i can’t really write knowledgeably about those challenges.  You might argue that without a commute and without children, i don’t KNOW stress (and i’d agree!). and c’mon really, any advice i might have on how to navigate the 5-7 pm window is only based on what worked for me. and some days i’m still using these strategies in a very conscious way, but most days i’m on sober-auto-pilot and i don’t have to think so hard.

but in the very early beginnings, i was thinking a lot, and trying to get my sober car rolling, and here’s what i did (here’s what I wrote to Miss Molly):

I guess the way to get through 5 pm would be to have a plan.  I don’t know, maybe a 3-part plan : )  first, have something else to drink, already picked out, perhaps already purchased.  so that at 3 pm you start to think: “can’t wait to have my black currant and lime soda drink tonight.” I think it’s important that you ALREADY have the treat in mind.  before you need it.

maybe part 2 of the plan is to know, now, this morning, that you’re not going to drink tonight no matter what happens.  it may be the shittiest of all shitty days, everyone vomiting, cat run over.  you’re not drinking today.  no matter what happens, you’ll wait till tomorrow to drink if something bad happens today. so know that you’re going to do today no matter what.  even if you have to go to bed at 8 pm.  which I’ve done.  plenty.

and part 3 would be go to bed with a feeling of smug satisfaction that you ignored the wolf voice, and you know it’s just a voice, and you don’t have to listen to it.  I think that smug self-satisfaction / gloating is NECESSARY in the beginning.  it’s like saying “damn, I’m GOOD” every single day as you get into bed.  “I rock.  I’m a genius. I ignored that ridiculous voice.  I rule. I win. look at how smart I am.  look at how good I am.  I am a genius.”

… you’ve probably already done one of the three things above, or all three, without even knowing you were doing it.  now you can just be more ‘aware’  … and go to bed early if necessary.  or even tell the kids that you’re taking a ‘nap’ and get into bed at 6 pm with the lights off.  even for me, as recently as last night, I was in bed before 9 pm because I could just begin to feel the tickle of a thought like ‘well maybe this might be a good time to have a drink …’ and then as soon as I got into bed I was like ‘you’re so smart, this is so much better than drinking, and the wolf will be gone tomorrow.’ 

 and it is.

let the gloating continue

Belle 6 Comments

i feel like i should write something but i got nothing to say. not in a bad way, but in a good way. i got nothing to say because all is well, continues to be well. no cravings, no real triggers, no hard moments, no big lows. Just lots of glorious happy sober sleeping-through-the-nights.  went away for 24 hours to have a tiny break (sans husband) and it was divine, and i got to sleep long, read long, run long, drink coffee, buy spices, have a big long bath and generally gloat and wallow in how fucking great my life is.

Yes, ok, the days when i have catering i’m pressed flat, squished by the success of it all. i do not sleep enough on those days and i am unable to run.  But it’s limited to two days a week (i only do orders two days a week cuz the rest of the time i’m working at my REAL jobs, ha ha). But i’m coming to terms with this new life. I make sure to have food on hand, to get enough sleep before and after, and to take real breaks and time-off on the weekends so that the ‘working hard’ continues to seem worthwhile.

while i appreciate that this gloating thing of mine is super tiring, let me say this. I know for a fact that my improved life is due to quitting drinking.  There is a one-to-one correlation between WHEN i stopped drinking and this new improved me. I wouldn’t go back now for anything, i don’t care if i’m on the outside when others are over-indulging (i don’t seem to be, it actually seems fine, i still am too loud and too funny boozeless).

right now, at this moment, there’s an apple cake in the oven, i’ve just returned from a mini-vacation feeling super well rested (hard to believe it just takes 24 hrs alone to recharge), and tomorrow is a holiday for my ‘real’ jobs.

all is well. let the gloating continue. long live the gloating.

… and if you’re lurking and wondering if you should quit drinking, let me say YES YES YES YES YES YES (have you quit yet?) YES YES YES and YES : )

i’m curious 3

Belle 58 Comments

First, my brief update: i am well, just very very very busy with job #3 passion thingy, it’s literally taking over my life in a good way. it’s freaky busy/successful and my biggest challenge isn’t growing and advertising, it’s balancing the growth that’s happening without me doing anything. now that i no longer have to think about ‘not drinking’, i’m focusing on getting to bed early and running. these two things (combined with not drinking) are my survival tools. I am surviving and thriving. my job #3 passion thingy is so fucking busy that i crashed for two days on the weekend, like nearly had a coma:  i just read and sat inside watching the rain.  i did run, eat well, slept well, and did nothing else. nothing. no tv. no cleaning, no food making. i did play cards with my husband and he beat me 7 out of 8 times. this morning, back to work, and it looks like it might be busier than last week. And the new client who had hired two of us to share the work? the other chick ain’t doing so hot, they let me know, so they want me to step it up a bit. a bit more. i even have to rent a car and start driving in this new wacky place. i drove today and, of course, it was fine. i’m adaptable. i can drive in foreign countries. i’m a smart, sober chick. i’ve got this covered…

but anyway, the point of this post is the CURIOUS part : )  This is becoming a monthly thing, and i look forward to it : )

I know that i lurked on a few blogs for a while before I actually quit drinking for real. I was looking for motivation and i really wanted to hear that other people had been successful at what i was contemplating/struggling with.

This blogging community really does have all that, and then some.

So here’s what i’m curious about. Can you do me a favor?

  1. Post a comment with your number of days sober.
  2. If you are an anonymous lurker, and you’re sober, you can just put Sober as your name, and then use a fake email as your email address (12345@12345.com) – tell me how many days sober. You can remain anonymous of course.
  3. If you are a lurker, and you aren’t (yet) sober but you’re looking for inspiration, you can put Hoping as your name (or whatever), and use my email as your email address (12345@12345.com). And you can pick a date when you’d like to start your sober journey (i.e. in 5 days, or november 1st, or whatever). You can remain anonymous, too.

I also sometimes forget how far along in the sober journey some of you are … so this will help me remember and help me celebrate with you.

Really, if you’re an anonymous lurker that’s totally fine! Just chime in with where you are : )

PS/ HERE’S MY GUT REFLEX: I have no proof of this and am only going on a gut feeling here, but if you are a lurker and still drinking, then by posting something anonymously, it’s like raising your hand and saying “ok, yes, i could use some support” and i think that makes a big difference in what happens next for you.  Well, if you don’t believe me, you can try posting something and see what happens : )

PPS/ I hope to hear again from “Hoping!!!” and from Jen and from NoMorePinot …

i’m going to bed

Belle 12 Comments

it’s 8:40 pm and i’m heading to bed. it’s the only way i can be sure that i won’t consume wine, so bed it is. i’ve asked my husband 3 or 4 times if we can have wine, and he’s made a joke each time. he made me tea, then tonic and cranberry juice. he made supper. he wrapped me in a blanket. he says shitty-chipper things like “i like it that we’re not drinking now.” Then i’m just silently mad at him that i can’t have wine, cuz now it’s his fault. by asking him for permission, and him saying no, i’ve made it so i can be irritated with him. instead of just announcing that i’m having wine, which he probably wouldn’t counter. what a co-dependent GIRL i am. i’m sure boys don’t do shit like this.

well, this girl is dragging her sorry ass to bed. i had a perfectly lovely busy day, yes i’m tired but not overly so. yes i was hungry but then i ate. it was a nice sunny day.  light reflecting off rooftops. and everywhere i looked, every single fucking person on the planet had a drink in their hand (this was at about 5 pm). there was booze in the grocery store, in the store windows, it was just fucking everywhere.  everyone else is having wine and having a nice lovely time. and i’m not.

and now that i’m 91 days i deserve a prize! A big Wine Prize! (I did order a 90-day present, it’s an electric griddle/frying pan thing.  hardly exciting (to you maybe) but i can’t wait for it to come so i can make homemade English Muffins cuz the ones in foreign-land SUCK rocks…

Did i say bed? i’m going to bed. tomorrow will be fine. thank god i can always go to bed.

to get away from myself.

who do i have to become?

Belle 11 Comments

i am well.  day 86.  i do feel like i have a reward coming on day 90 but haven’t figure out what it should be yet. maybe a big feed of sushi. i was previously thinking expensive jewellery.  but now that i’m here at day 90, i want my BIG reward to come later… it’s getting easier to move the big reward forward in time. when i’m sober 120 days, 6 months, 12 months …

yesterday afternoon, after another 3-day passion/job thingy, i was sooo tired. and there was an open bottle of champagne in the house from guests. it was 5 pm and i was nearly collapsed with fatigue.  i asked husband if he was going to finish the champagne, and he said no. i said well this would be a good time for me to have some. a normal time. this would be the exact time where champagne would be a normal thing to do. he asked if i wanted tea. he poured the champagne down the drain in the kitchen, with me at his side, and i was saying “maybe you’ll finish it?” he kept pouring.  i love my husband. he is adorable.  he emptied out the champagne and then made me tea.

so yes, had a very busy weekend but with my new rules, i’m doing OK. i was even in bed last night BEFORE 9 pm and then slept 10.5 hours… this week i’m going to get to bed as early as possible every single night, just to ensure a good, smooth, even, enjoyable week.  This is the week that i begin the new contract for my passion/job thingy. well i haven’t heard from them since we ‘agreed’ to the terms by email, so i assume it’s all going ahead starting on wednesday. i have planned a very slack week for the rest of my life, to ensure adequate time, energy and room for this. also, husband is out 3 evenings this week so i’ll have lots of alone time suitable for bubble baths and early-to-bed reading.  i can seriously vegetate.

Who do I have to *become* in order to achieve my life goals?

I need to be someone who gets enough sleep 6 out of 7 nights, who is ‘in-advance’, who is patient, who does today what needs to be done and doesn’t wait for tomorrow. I need to be someone who rewards myself small and big, someone who pats myself on the back for a job well done. And someone who takes enough time off and has enough mid-week mini vacations to make it all worthwhile.

ladies and gentlemen, I have shit I want to DO with this very cool life of mine, and so i need to become the right kind of person. i need to evolve. and for me, the first step in evolution is enough sleep.

my first reflex

Belle 11 Comments

I wake up in the middle of the night with stiff legs, tossing and turning.  too much running, too many hours on my feet in the kitchen. and i think: Well, here we are. This is sober life. This is real life. There are no blurred edges.  What would my husband do? Would he drink cough syrup so he could easily get back to sleep?

There’s a section in the Allen Carr book about sleeplessness — he says (not surprisingly) that this just happens sometimes. Some nights, you just can’t sleep.  Just like some days you have a cold, and some days you feel out of sorts. Nothing to do with booze.

So i got up and took one advil (ibuprofen) for my sore legs.

It sounds like nothing, but it’s something.

Carr refers to learning to live without alcohol is like buying a new make and model of car.

The turn indicator may be in a different place, and you’re going to try to shift gears with the windshield wiper handle … but don’t worry, that’s just your brain readjusting.  Your hands may reach out and you’ll turn on the wipers when you meant to blow the horn. and the solution is to just shrug, and then take the right action. Same with booze/drugs/medicating yourself. You may instinctively reach for a medicated solution, but that’s just because all of your motor reflexes haven’t been adjusted yet (to the new car!).  If you make a mistake and reach out for your old solutions, just wait a second and then readjust.  Over time your brain figures out where the switch for the windshield wipers are. And don’t give up. You wouldn’t return a new car because the lights are in a different place and your hands kept reaching for the wrong thing. You’d be patient while you learned new skills.

so, do I take a glug of Nyquil [nighttime cold medicine in north america] to help me sleep, when I wake up with sore legs? No. It might be my first reflex, but that’s just me getting used to the new model of car.  Instead, I take an ibuprofen and then roll over and go back to sleep.

Dehydrate the wolf

Belle 71 Comments

If you can picture booze like a Big Wolf With Black Eyes, he represents the voice in your head.  Now you have to very calmly starve the wolf. Or better yet, you have to dehydrate him by not giving him anything to drink.

At first he’ll be mad at you. “Where’s my drink?”

You’ll say … I have all this free time now. I can’t talk to you, wolfie. I’m running, baking, singing, reading, cleaning, spending time with my kids. I’m paying my taxes, cleaning off my desk, enjoying the weather.

The wolf will taunt you. “Everyone else is drinking, why can’t you?”

You’ll say … sorry, wolfie, can’t hear you. I’m too busy cranking up the volume on my new iPad that I bought with all the money I’ve saved. 50 days of sobriety @ 3/4 bottle of wine per day =  $225.  And some days were more, and other days included booze in restaurants, so it’s really more like $400 (or probably even $500).  At an even $10 A day, that means that in a year it’ll be $3,650 saved.  That’s a trip to Australia. That’s a small car. That’s a new wardrobe, le creuset cookware, and 2 new books a week with money left over. Sorry wolfie, can’t hear you, i’m COUNTING MY MONEY.

The wolf will throw temper tantrums. “Why can’t I? What about now? When is this sober thing finished? Can I drink in a few more days? When exactly can I drink again?”

You’ll say I’m too busy snuggling with my husband, staying awake for conversations, i can see the look in his eyes, how proud he is of me, how supportive. i would never want him to look at me any other way, wolfie, don’t you understand that one glass of red wine does NOT equal my marriage? I pick my marriage. I pick it every day of the week and twice on Sundays. I pick meaningful conversations with friends. I pick sober laughing. It’s the best. Have you tried it wolfie? Sober laughing? you’ll think you’ve died and gone to heaven.

The wolf will nearly be dehydrated. He’ll try a few more last-chance, desperate attempts. “You’re broken,” he’ll snarl. “you bitch, you can’t be fixed, you’ll always be a fuck-up, you suck at this, you might as well quit now.”

And you’ll say:  You want to fight? I’ll win. I’ve got so much more energy now that i’m sleeping through the night. I can outrun you wolfie. I’m light on my feet now.  I’ve got so much more spunk, clearer thinking. I’m planning to take over the world, wolfie, me and my clear-headed genius.

What is that? Sorry I can’t quite hear you. Your voice is so quiet wolfie. are you nearly dehydrated? you’re going to dry up and turn to dust.

[puts palm of hand up to lips and blows across the surface … dust disperses, wolfie is specks of gray in the air … and then gone]

today I have 30 days

Belle 20 Comments

Ten good reasons to be 30 days sober:

  1. Celebrating a new ‘personal best’ every day. That doesn’t happen much when you’re an adult, taking on a new skill and seeing progress and improvement each and every day.
  2. Sleeping through the night. Doctor thought i was premenopausal when i complained of waking at 4 am. she should have asked how many glasses of wine i was having every night (answer: 3+).
  3. No arguments.  I haven’t had one disagreement with my husband in 30 days. I can’t tell you how often I used to go to bed teary, feeling completely misunderstood. That seems to be over.
  4. Supportive sober (online) friends. This blogging world rocks, is beyond anything i could have imagined. advice to lurkers: don’t lurk. you’re missing out on a life-line that’ll make the difference. my advice to lurkers is to be brave, read, comment and write every single day (well, for the first 30 days at least!).
  5. No one really gives a shit that i’m not drinking. All the worries of not ‘fitting in’ or being ‘different’ if i gave up drinking were totally bogus. no one gives a rat’s ass. I drink tea and you drink wine? who cares. We go to dinner, you guys order wine, I say i’m not drinking, only one comment in 30 days from Mister, a social acquaintance who i see about every 6 weeks, and now will probably see even less…
  6. It is quiet(er) in my head. This is the main reason I have given up drinking. I’m fortunate to have a “high bottom”. I wasn’t convicted of a DUI, and my marriage was not in jeopardy. But I drank much more than I wanted to, didn’t seem to be able to string together many days alcohol-free. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about when I could drink, how much, was there enough, should i start drinking from my husband’s glass when he left the room…
  7. I’m a nicer person. I’m kinder and more patient and less sarcastic. Much less sarcastic. I think I see people more clearly now. now I meet a new client who talks too much, and i see lonely instead of irritating.
  8. My irritation and frustration levels are diminished. This is a side by-product of being sober that I did not anticipate. Didn’t realize that drinking made me really grumpy, and itchy in my own skin. I think i’m less impulsive, too. Certainly there’ve been NO late-night stupid emails (to friends and clients) promising the moon.
  9. Motivation levels are higher. I used to get a lot done before. Now i’m getting things done with purpose. I’m not just running all over town on some kind of ‘urgent’ mission. Now i make plans and cross things off the list.
  10. I’ve stopped straightening my hair. OK, you can laugh if you want to. But straight hair is all the rage, and for the last 30 days i’ve just stopped. (Honestly some days it takes all of my concentration and focus to get up and get through the day, remember to run, to eat 3 times a day, and to not-drink.) I have naturally curly hair that i’ve been forcing into ‘style’ with a hot iron. this has stopped. my husband now tells me he likes the curly hair better (really? you didn’t say anything for the two years you’ve watched me straighten it?) He says i look younger and less like someone’s “aunt”  (i.e. less like a cougar)…) I think it’s also an outward expression of being more comfortable in my own skin … or it shows a complete abandon of personal grooming while i focus hard on being sober.  we’ll see.

i feel i should now re-order the list, to end with something punchy and strong. Instead it ends with a vain comment about my hair. oh well. there you go. I have cute curly hair, that isn’t the least bit in style. I’ll keep you posted.