i have some typical characteristics of over drinkers. I’m sensitive — to people, to emotions, to noise, to stuff. I’m an over-thinker. I’m sucky at self-care. I crave treats. I’m not unfamiliar with chaos.
All of these things become really evident once I’m alone. I was crying when Mr. B left this morning, and then minutes after the door closed, I was in bed under the covers, reading my book. I went for a run, bought treats, and settled into a really nice and easy day. I watched a hockey game, ate, rested, watched half of a movie, some cooking shows, enjoyed the sunshine, and generally i’ve felt at ease.
It’s like i’ve drawn all of my 8 tentacles back into myself.
and now i’m just doing what I want, when I want to.
When Mr. B. is here, which is always, i’m sensitive to what he’s doing. I hear him. I pay attention to him. I realize that we’re both online too much. I plan whether to eat now or later based on what he’s doing. I know it’s time for bed and he wants to stay up longer… or he wants to go to bed earlier. then once we’re in bed, I hear him sleeping (!).
now that he’s gone, it’s like i’m not responsible to or for anyone. for anything. to be clear, mr. b makes no demands on me. it’s not that he likes dinner at 7 pm or anything like that. in fact, he’s just the opposite. and i feel like i wait for him to give me signs. eat now or later? he’s actually fine with both. it’s me who does all the dancing around him.
right before he left this morning, i told him that the last time we’d spent any time apart, i was still drinking, and i used to plan to fill my evenings with wine. Now, in the absence of wine, i was going to — instead — push the reset button and see if i can just focus on doing what i want. can i really feel myself on the inside, just take care of me. can i just focus on me, and not worry about him.
i told him i was going to spend the next 9 days alone EITHER working or cleaning or reading or doing nothing.
I’m going to see if i can actually find out what i FEEL like doing. can i be still long enough for the next right action to present itself. apparently i felt like writing this 🙂 now i feel like a bath. it’s 8:23 pm local time. I feel like watching Remains of the Day and then going to bed. I feel like sleeping 10 hrs. I feel like mr. b’s flight should land just as i go to bed, and then i can turn off the phone and just sleep …
there’s a co-dependent, critical, enmeshed word for people like me. It’s really easy to be critical. Today I call it being honest.
From the last 30 days, here is a sample of search engine terms that people entered into Google that led them to my blog …
tired of thinking about drinking
the upside to quitting drinking
100 day sober challenge
witching hour drinking
getting sober made me better
i threw up on my teacher
can you go 100 days without a drink
the best thing about being sober
do i want to be sober
gigantic anus
how to fill out the day when sober
quit drinking and pursue passion
how about a nice cup of shut the fuck up
change my thinking about drinking
jason vale bullshit
anus belle
what is the 100 day sober challenge good or bad
i’m always tired – is it the wine i drink?
I never know whether to laugh or cry …
I kind of like ‘anus belle’, maybe i should get a t-shirt with that written on it. i can wear that shirt in addition to my other t-shirt ideas that i’ll stock in my imaginary sober store:
I love reviewing the terms that people enter into search engines that ultimately lead them to my blog. They’re both sad and hilarious at the same time …
Here are some of the best for the past 30 days:
i’m tired and going to my bed (note: imagine entering this into a search engine, and then clicking the results links … really? tired? go to bed then .. don’t do research about it!)
tired if thinking about drinking
how to celebrate 90 days sober
i am working on a book i will never finish
“i’ll fill the tub”
gigantic anus
ode to red wine
how to feel after a girl threw up in my car
shaking and tired day 3 no alcohol
i am grateful to be a young woman
fastidiousness or ocd
when does one start to feel pink cloud
fucking mom while she vomits
im afraid ill get no followers
hope you love my anal
5 days sober and craving a drink
fucked before bed with glasses on
job i can work in different countries i’m adaptable
ten things i am grateful for in recovery
i love my husband, but i’m curious
belle anus
can i stop drinking a bottle of red wine a night?
i am grateful for chocolate
note to self: you are different. note to self: there are great things coming ahead of you. note to self: believe.
Hope you have a happy Tuesday. This is my 100th post in my 136th day of sobriety. Thanks for hanging around : )
