Tag: pink cloud

Being Sober is Like …

Belle 16 Comments

Today is Easter, and whether you celebrate it or not, it’s a great time for resurrecting, right?  🙂 Thanks to Whineless (day 3) for the great title.

You might think it’s hard to describe how great it is to be sober. Apparently Carrie (21) has no problem finding the words:

“Being sober is like the smell of freshly baked bread every morning when I wake up. It’s like the smell of fresh cut grass when I go outside. It feels like the last day of school as I go about my day.  Like stretching your legs after a really long car journey when I get home. At  the very end of my day, it’s like getting into bed when the sheets have just been cleaned. It’s like the white noise that you didn’t notice in the background of your thoughts suddenly stops. I can’t get enough of that silence. Being sober is all of this and with support it is even more. It’s when someone puts a blanket on you just as you are about to fall asleep. That’s you, that is. You do that.”

So how great is it to be sober? Her email got me thinking.

  • It’s like a Sunday long run, where you get all the green lights, taxis stop to let you cross, and then you run along the water in a group of other runners
  • It’s like when your husband makes you a tuna sandwich, because he does a better job, cuz he puts in bits of minced garlic
  • It’s like eating the best piece of red velvet cake, on a holiday weekend, after your long run, reading a brand new magazine, with a cup of coffee
  • It’s like a trip up the Eiffel Tower, a tour through the Vatican, a midnight walk across the Tower Bridge (with a full moon!).
  • It’s like swimming in the ocean and then stretching out on a blanket to dry off in the sun

And you? Can you describe how great it is to be sober … “It’s like…  [insert here]”

Happy Easter, or Happy Sunday, or Happy Whatever this day means to you 🙂 Love, me (274)

solidly sober. all is well.

Belle 2 Comments

all is well, busy, getting lots of sleep, running lots. losing weight even with all the apple pie being consumed. solidly sober. no big sober insights, nothing to say at all really (which isn’t like me, i know). life is busy and fulled with jobs 1+2 and passion job #3 thingy (baking/catering). i’ve been trying to spend most of my day offline (checking email only once an hour, no FB, no web surfing) and i’ve found it to be very meditative … create calmness, i get more done, and feel better while getting more done. really, i’m just plain boring over here. no angst, no gnashing of teeth, just regular full life with lots of fun things to do and sunny skies.  oh, and i figured out how to make new york cheesecake with foreign ingredients on the weekend, and my life may never be the same again. all is well. i said that already. well, with cheesecake in your life, it’s easy to feel good.

a good day

Belle 8 Comments

Here’s how I know today is a good day:

  • enough sleep (woke before the alarm)
  • weather is sunny and warm
  • i literally forced myself to go for a run, like bending your fingernails backwards FORCED — and thankfully felt great afterwards
  • had a shower in the dark (i really love this!)
  • one perfect steaming cup of coffee. OK, let’s get this recorded. I am addicted to caffeine.  That day without tea/coffee was shitty-ola.  This day, by comparison, with coffee: it’s like the light is a bit brighter, the air a bit sweeter, the room a bit cozier. It’s like the imaginary hit from booze that never really happens. Yes, that buzz really is in coffee! One cup of coffee per day. Makes all the difference.
  • the discovery that it’s probably tonic water irritating my heart thing, since the timing is nearly perfect with increased tonic water consumption and rise in symptoms. and it’s much easier to give up tonic water than coffee/tea! Amen!
  • four new requests from clients for my passion job #3 thingy, and then we’re away for another long weekend.
  • i love vacations. I need more of them. I say this all the time. One long weekend a month! October’s is coming in 4 days!

And i went to the get supplies this morning, and went to a store far away that i’ve been putting off for (i don’t know) 5 weeks.  then, just like that, it’s done and i can cross it off my list.  All is well in this part of my world.

And I do adore the fact that — after my near-miss drinking feelings on Saturday — once i got through it and went to bed, it’s like it never happened and the days after are ‘normal’.   Once i’ve kicked the wolf in the face, and once i go to bed, the next day it’s like it never happened and i’m back in my sober car again just tooling along, busy, happy, productive. And now that i have my tea back, all is well.  What a stupid idea giving up caffeine.  What was i thinking…

stop complaining

Belle 3 Comments

I am surprisingly good. I still feel as good as i’ve felt in a long time, maybe forever.  Sleeping enough, hydrated enough, running enough.

maybe i’ve got nothing to say. It’s pouring rain today and it’s sunny in my head. I’m clearing things off my desk in an orderly fashion, not rushed, not irritated. Who is this girl?

I had a seriously hilarious exchange with my husband a few days ago. maybe all boys think like this?

me: can you stop doing that?

him: [looks right at me, smiles, and then does it again harder]

me: really? are you 12 years old? right after i ask you to stop irritating me, you do it again? When we eventually end up at a psychologist’s office, i’m going to tell her “I tell him exactly what I want and he just ignores me. I’m very clear. He doesn’t listen.”

him: and the psychologist will say: “he loves you, he’s going to be with you for the rest of your life. He is going to stay with you forever. Time to stop complaining.”

he does know how to make me laugh.

“it is monstrously GOOD!”

Belle 12 Comments

yesterday turned out to be (nearly) one of the best days on record. maybe in my whole life.

the things i crave and try to structure so much into being, just fell gently into place yesterday. It was the perfect storm of factors:  enough sleep, good weather, long run, contented relaxation, alone time, a productively engaged husband, a good book, time in the park (with said book) watching kids and fountains, an evening meal made of random leftovers, many responses to a business email indicate lots of interest in my next class, no desire to drink, a hilarious Irish movie (The Guard) that made me cry with laughter.

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, this isn’t just your ordinary garden variety pink cloud.  Yesterday I also found a temporary answer to the vexing problem of european labor restrictions for foreigners…

After sitting in the sunny park for an hour in the afternoon, i was walking home, and a thought just popped into my head. i hadn’t been mulling it over, the idea just arrived fully formed when i was about 5 minutes from the apartment.

I will invoice this new work through my existing North American company, i will bill it as “consulting” or something equally generic, and i will generate legal and legitimate invoices for the new work through my N.A. company.

Rather than trying to avoid a paper trail, or avoiding signing a waiver, or trying to figure out how to do it under the table, i will just bring it all above board in a way that is a bit circuitous but is more ‘allowed’.  it will have some weirdness, like i’ll be paying taxes on this income in N.A., and i’ll be paid in euros and will have to figure out how to get that into my N.A. bank account in dollars without horrific fees every time, but those are technical issues and aren’t psychic issues. (i can probably just keep the checks for several months, then mail them to my bank at home, and ask my bank manager to deposit them for me.  I can probably cash the checks myself here and call it ‘wages’ or ‘rent’ or ‘office supplies’ or ‘staff development’.)

and once i realized that — wake up Belle, duh, you have a company already set up at home — and that i can just run this new work through that same company until i’m allowed to set up a company here (which is in January), then the physical feeling of relief was gigantic.  i really didn’t want to play fast and loose with the system, because i really really really will not accept having to leave here against my will.  some day we may decide we’re ready for a new adventure, but i don’t want to be forced to leave this new idyllic life because i fucked with their system.

And that my friends, may sound long and complicated, but for me it’s easier than just ‘taking my chances’.  I am more conservative here in new country, because i don’t want to go home.  and because of language issues i sometimes don’t really understand all the rules until i’ve broken them.  You have to renew your health care card every year? on the anniversary of when you entered the country? unless your husband lost his work permit after moving here, in which case you have to renew it on the anniversary of when he lost is job? really?

no.  no ranting.  all is well.

and to prove all of this worrying is entirely one-sided, my new employer posted to my new company’s Facebook page this morning about our meeting on Friday …

“While working late Friday night I pulled out your sample again – AMAZING!!! it is monstrously GOOD! thank you so much!”

thus begins monday, it will also be a good day. Day 72!

tuesday weigh-in

Belle 6 Comments

day 45. all is well. i haven’t had any of the “holy shit i had a drink” dreams. Instead i dreamt that i was handed a glass, and had a sip of wine and then spit it out, shouting to the hostess who served it to me: “I don’t drink!”

not only is “all well” with me today, but i’d like to continue feeling like this please. yesterday and today (so far) have been surprisingly settled, calm, happy, even days. Better than i’ve felt in a LONG time. Maybe the best that  i’ve felt, ever. happy but not manic. content but not wacky. just good.

Now let’s talk about the 3 very small slices of chocolate cake i had yesterday. miniscule, really, but 3 nonetheless. I did mention that i wanted to do some baking during this vacation, and yesterday i got down to business.

i know that running 5 days a week, at my slow pace and for short distances, is all about mood control and not about weight management. I’m completely fine with that. I love running, and I don’t need to change anything about how i’m doing it. But my level of running does not permit me to eat ANYTHING i want.

yes, early days of quitting booze meant that i really didn’t have any choice. I needed the sugar and the calories and i needed it a lot.

but today is day 45 and i’m feeling good. so i’m going to slowly and gently begin to rein in the cake.

need a t-shirt made up:

“Must Eat Less Cake”

on my run today, i decided it will be best (for me) if i do something ‘out loud’ and accountable.  Since i know from the law of attraction that what we focus on EXPANDS, then i will focus on pounds lost, so that i can watch that number grow.

Since quitting booze 45 days ago, as of today, Tuesday morning, I am down 2.2 pounds. not bad considering said cake. Every Tuesday morning for the next several weeks, i will post my total weight loss so that I can watch the number increase … sort of like watching my sober days increase.  My current sober goal is 90 days (and beyond). my current weight goal is 15ish pounds (possibly beyond, i’ll see when i get there).

If you’re interested in joining me, you can go and weigh yourself now (2.2 pounds = 1 kilo). Yes, you can weigh yourself now, even if you’ve just eaten. Think how low the number will be by comparison next tuesday when you weigh yourself first thing : ) There’s no right time to start. There’s just now, and i’m starting here. i didn’t want to take on too much in the first 45 days, but now i feel OK with charting my numbers.  nothing strenuous. no big diet. just conscious awareness. and mindfulness.  Are you gonna join me?

 

i feel less foggy

Belle 12 Comments

i feel better today. i feel less foggy. i feel less preoccupied. i’ve stopped counting days in my head and have to look at my excel spreadsheet to do the math (day 34). it is sunny. i’m on vacation. my copy of the jason vale book finally arrived yesterday by mail and i’ve started reading it. i’m glad i had 30 days sober first before i got the book, because i feel like i’m already underway, on my own, and now his writing can lift me up. it’s not a struggle to believe his ideas, because i’m already living them.

was out for a walk yesterday, ran into a random friend i haven’t seen in months. joined her on a patio in the sun for a drink. I had bottled water. two of her friends joined up. everyone had a glass of wine. i had my water. I listened to what other people were saying instead of waiting for a pause so i could interject my own damn insightful wisdom.

went out for dinner last night with the hubby to our corner restaurant, we both had water.  husband has stopped drinking at home, or in front of me, and now only has a few drinks a week when he’s out with friends. no big pronouncements. he was only drinking because i was, and that’s quite a realization.

i feel as good today as i’ve felt in a long time. vacations rock (or vacations rule, depending on your continent). having a sober vacation is like having a big christmas present i’ve yet to open. can’t wait to see what’s inside.

pink-cloudy AND tortured on the same day

Belle 18 Comments

in my last post I started to contemplate what happens at the end of my Dry July.  Day #25 today. thanks to everyone for ideas and well wishes and kindness.  it’s pretty cool that no one said “wow this girl is heading on a downward slide into hell if she keeps going on this path” … even though i’m sure some of you were privately thinking just that.

on my run today, i realized that if i’m thinking about this still this much after a month, then best to continue onwards, sober. Like cleo with cigarettes, i cannot say the same for drinking. I can’t take it or leave it. Wine is not like corn on the cob.  I love corn on the cob, and sometimes i’ll even go to special stores to find it here.  but i don’t keep track of the BEST cob, nor do i remember the date of my last cob… Even in thinking out my idea of “maybe I’ll drink twice in August” … my internal wheels started to spin and I got tense. literally. i got wound up just thinking about it.  what if I use up the alcohol on a bad night? what if I don’t get the effect that I want and I waste it.  what if I drink and then I wish I hadn’t bothered? i’m sure that two drinks will be disappointing no matter what the context. 

again, on my run today (thank god for running!), I realized that i could give up MEAT for a month and not wonder when i could have more, or how much i would enjoy it.  i could probably even give up sugar for an entire month – including the sugar hidden in stupid things like mayonnaise. Yes, i’d feel pissed off if I had to give up sugar for a month, but i highly highly seriously doubt that i’d give it as much brain space as i have given to wine in the last 25 days. would i be reading other people’s sugar blogs? really? probably, highly not.

(in fact, when i started Dry July, i gave up meat, alcohol and sugar for the first 7 days, then reintroduced sugar and meat.  it was completely fine.  in fact, planning vegetarian meals took a bit of work but it distracted me nicely from thinking about booze. Note to self.  when feeling antsy, set a different non-alcohol-related goal that will have a positive outcome, that can distract me from boozing.)

i’m sure i’ll cycle around to the idea of moderation, oh, i don’t know, like a few more hundred times.  but for now i’m staying on the wagon. I like it here, even if I feel both pink-cloudy AND tortured ON THE SAME DAY.

For now, i’m going to extend Dry July to be 90 days.  and then probably longer again.

no explanation, no justification

Belle 17 Comments

dinner last night, group of 9 people.

mr: “where’s your glass?”

Me: (looking around for my tea cup) oh, it’s in the kitchen.

mr: “are you on or off?”

(he knows that i was off-alcohol the last time he saw me in May)

Me:  off

mr: “oh.  next time i’ll check first, before i say i’m coming to dinner, to find out if you’re on or off.  It’s not the same if you’re off.”

Me: (big smile, shrug with a ‘what can you do” look on my face. no explanation, no justification.)

Yes, at these group dinners, this one guy and i often *drank a lot* and could get quite loud and hilarious. So he’s missing his drinking buddy. (Thank god i knew enough from everyone else’s blogs to realize that his behavior was textbook stuff.)

But also, more tellingly, the last time i saw him in May, and i was off, he said then that he also wanted to cut back, felt he drank too often, living alone it was the only way to fill evenings, etc.

So i’m sure it sucked rocks for him to have me sitting there last night, cheshire cat-like, having a lovely time at dinner, sober.  I didn’t try to *hide* that i wasn’t drinking. in fact, at dinner, while everyone else enjoyed the homemade cocktails, the champagne, the wine, and the grand marnier that i put on the table … I made a big pot of tea and put it on the table next to my plate, and over the course of the evening i proceeded to drink the entire pot.

not one single person gave a shit. except mr-lonely-drinker-why-do-you-have-to-be-my-mirror.

OK so i guess i’m still gloating.  good morning day 19. I’ve never been here before 🙂

pink clouds can bite me

Belle 11 Comments

well after Mrs D’s comment about Pink Clouds, I also googled it.  In my brief and ridiculously condensed version, pink clouds are when you’re having happy times in sobriety .. so happy, in fact, that you might fall off the cloud on the other side and then drink.

sounds fantastic!

well, i’ve been thinking about it, and here’s what i have to say about pink clouds.

bring them on. all good days are good days.  i’ll take some glistening highs, thanks, because they beat the shit out of hung over lows.  i’m going to inhale my pink clouds and really blow pink smoke.  Crashing on the other side? i really am thankful for the warning.  i’ll be on the watch.  think i’ll be on careful watch for ANOTHER pink cloud that i can leap on to just as this one is on its way out…

in other news …

went to my first sober concert last night. every single person in the small venue had a beer in their hand. every one.  it’s like they’ve all been brainwashed into believing that the only way to enjoy a live musical event is if you’re mostly hammered (see what i’ve learned from hanging out with you-all?).

it was the first concert i’ve ever attended where i wasn’t waiting for it to be over. honestly, most shows, about 45 minutes in, and i’m ready to go home.  agitated. checking my watch, are we done yet? not last night.  i was dancing and listening and people watching and band watching. I was silently retuning this one’s guitar and i was wondering if that one ever stopped moving.

when it was over, we came outside and there was a little bit of light left in the sky (love living as north as we do now). i told hubby that i really loved living in this foreign-to-me country, and that we hardly ever go out anymore on weeknights and should do it more often.

i wonder why we haven’t been going out more.  probably because after the first glass of wine at dinner time, all motivation is lost.  all energy to do anything.

can’t believe i’ve been living in this amazing city and haven’t really been taking advantage of it.  (Can’t believe i’ve been living in this amazing LIFE and haven’t been taking advantage of it …)

bring on the pink clouds.  they can bite me 🙂