The bracelet

IF YOU’D LIKE TO ORDER A BRACELET, I’VE MOVED IT HERE.

I chatted with Ellie from Shining Stones. she’s the lovely sober chick who made my custom “Fuck You Wolfie” bracelet.  She doesn’t usually work in aluminium and had to order in the bracelet for me.  Why did i want aluminium? it’s brighter than silver — i wanted something super shiny.  And it’s lighter in weight, so I barely even realize i have it on. and it’s also much less expensive than sterling silver. win-win.

I have no idea if this is really something you might like, but i did see a few excited emails with “where can i get my bracelet?” anyway, we’ll see what happens 🙂  once i have orders, i’ll finalize with Ellie, she’ll make and shape and bang and smooth and form.  then she’ll ship ’em to me and then i’ll send them out to you.

If you’d like to have a special Fuck You Wolfie bracelet just like mine (with secret powers!)

d--temp-fuckyouwolfie3 d--temp-fuckyouwolfie2 d--temp-fuck-you d--temp-fuckyouwolfie1

i’m done with struggle

stay-cation day #4. slept 10 hrs. woke at 6:30 am, saw that i hadn’t slept long enough to guarantee a good day, so i rolled over, and slept till 9:15.  that’s better.

What follows here isn’t terribly interesting, unless you’re me.

But after nearly 8 years of marriage, my husband and i are now (finally) sleeping in separate beds.

I’m an unusually light sleeper, have been since childhood. My mother says i’d wake if an ant farted a block away. As a tiny baby, my parents had to give up “checking in on me” before they went to bed, because to touch the door handle was to wake me… If you combine this genetic predisposition (because my entire extended family (paternal) is unfortunately like this, super sensitive to sound, crappy sleepers, my parents don’t sleep in the same bed) — if you combine ME with a really tall man, who just happens to snore and thrash (like the members of his maternal side of the family, they’re all shakers-and-bakers when they sleep, and Mr. Belle’s parents don’t sleep in the same bed either) — well if you put ME and HIM together in a bed, no matter how large, one of us is going to be awakened 4-6 times per night.  That person would be me.

now that i’m sober, and most days are good days, i’ve really been finding the tired days harder to tolerate.  when i was drinking, I guess i was used to being tired all the time, was used to feeling 50% shitty most days. At nearly 11 months sober, I quite like feeling good.  and i HATE it when i feel sooo tired from Mr. Belle’s thrashing. he wakes in the morning, takes one look at my face, and he knows that he has tortured me all night.

And part of the reason i’ve been doing the 24-hr mini-vacations alone in a hotel has been simply to get one solidly good night’s sleep per month.

So about two weeks ago i asked if we could try an experiment.  i had been tired for a month it seemed. I asked if i could sleep alone for awhile, just to see … and after two nights i felt remarkably better.  dramatically different.  Since then we’ve been playing it a bit by ear each night. We go to bed together, read, talk, plan the next day.  and then he goes to the other room or stays, depending on general levels of tiredness, and what I have going on the next day.

Yes, I am able to get work done when i haven’t slept well.  Yes, I’m able to set my alarm and get up for catering after 5 hrs sleep.  But i hate my life when that happens.  It feels like pushing a truck uphill.  It makes everything feel ten times harder than it really is.  If i have a Booze Wolfie that talks shit about booze, then I also have an Exhaustion Wolf that comes out when i’m tired, and he says “you’re behind, you’re never going to catch up, your stuff isn’t good enough, why bother trying. This is all too hard, this is supposed to be your passion job.  you should quit this, you should stop doing this.  This is too hard.”

on the other hand, when i have had enough sleep, I can get up early, do the catering, and have NONE of that noise in my head. Nothing. Some mornings i even forget to turn on the radio, and i work for hours in silence without even noticing.  I just do my thing.  I work without STRUGGLE.

so me? i pick sleep. I’m going into this next phase of sober life with enough sleep. I’m giving up the idealized version of a married couple sleeping in the same bed, because it just doesn’t work for us.  It didn’t for my parents or his parents either.  I am no longer holding myself to ridiculous ideas of what is ‘good’ when it doesn’t work. (i used to think that if we didn’t in the same bed, that it was a slippery slope to divorce. just cuz.) Now I pick sleep, and i am packing up this idea of struggle and i’m putting it out with the recycling. i’m just not interested in struggle any more.  (there was a certain level of chaos and dysfunction i could tolerate when drinking that I just can’t do any more.) and yes I CAN make myself work when i’m tired … but why do it that way?  Why not, instead, give myself the very lovely gift of a good night’s sleep.  and I thankfully have a husband who’s more interested in a happy wife than which bed he sleeps in.  And, to quote him, he says “it doesn’t matter which bed i’m in.  i’m asleep.”

sleep.  makes my life possible without struggle.  makes me feel even.  it can be raining but if i’ve had enough sleep i don’t seem to care.  When i’m tired, everything seems hard. very very hard. and not worth it.  When i’m tired, i surf the web and find all the information and possibilities overwhelming.  I see people blogging recipes daily and i think “i can’t do that, i could never do that, it’s all too much, i should give up.” on the other hand, when i’ve had enough sleep, I see someone blogging their recipes daily and i think — well, she does her thing, and I do my thing.  (And frankly, my thing earns money and hers is sort of like mental masturbation).

I’m done with struggle.  I’m cutting open the box of struggle, i’m squishing sides flat, and i’m putting it out for recycling.  someone else can take home my struggle if they want it. I’ve been carrying it for a long time. 37 years probably. i seem to want to cry as i write that.  since i’ve been 9 years old, my life has been too hard for me.  in my new, happier life, i am sober, happily married, earning money, and i’m finally finally getting enough sleep.  i never would have done this if i was still drinking.

i’m done with struggle. you?

Team 100 update: KC (30), Malia (30), Kriss (30), Rachel (10), Debbie (7), Tammy (50), JMM (20).

danger zone

What can you do when you feel like you’re getting near your danger zone …

  • you’re almost 30 days sober and you’ve NEVER managed to get past 30 days, and so you’re getting close to when you usually ‘fail’
  • you’re about to attend a wacky family event with super crazy dynamics, pressure, alcohol, and general nuttiness
  • you’ve been sober for a while but you can feel wolfie‘s voice getting louder; it’s not screaming yet, but you can see it coming – on the horizon
  • you have a flu, an accident, a setback at work, an argument with your husband (wife)

I mentioned to Heidi today that thinking about shit like this IN ADVANCE is like having a tornado disaster plan.  What will you do (and maybe even in what order)…

so you can see your disaster zone, it’s looming.  it’s the place where something ‘bad’ might happen.  how can you stay in your sober car and manage to drive around the disaster zone?

ok, here’s a big idea.  you’ll have to do something different from what you did last time. If last time you crashed straight into the pit, then maybe it meant that you didn’t have enough tools, enough support, or didn’t have a good enough plan (or didn’t implement the plan). For example, before i started this blog, i would quit drinking for a week at a time, but i had no real commitment to it. Just being in the grocery store was ‘danger zone’ enough for me to buy wine and drink it. So to be successful in the future in a grocery store, i needed a different kind of support… can’t really avoid grocery stores my whole life 🙂

So now, if you see something coming up that looks like a danger zone where you have previously ‘given in and drank’, you try something new to navigate the situation.  You can call your sponsor, go to a meeting, you can take some time to write and to read sober blogs.  You can email your sober penpal more than once that day. you can plan to have easy take-out meals. you can go to bed early.  you can declutter a few drawers (decluttering is weirdly calming). you can have a big bubble bath. and you can wait.

Heidi also added a hilarious twist to her tornado disaster plan:  “[If I feel like drinking], I will write about it.  I might put it in my blog or in an email to one of my sober friends, asking for advice.  After all, if it’s a good idea, someone will agree with me.”

imagine if we all had to get someone to agree with us that drinking was a good idea before we relapsed… that would certainly slow us down some!

Team 100 update: 84 members, welcome to Leah (4).  Virtual cake celebrations for Ellen (30), Victoria (55), Lane (40), Christina (40), Kirst (21), Allison (20), and J (who is 6 months today). I’m on day 320.

I am taking a 4-day mini vacation beginning tomorrow (staying at home this time) but will spend most of each day with technology turned off. So I will be a bit quieter than usual! You can enjoy the break from the noise of me!

“do you struggle with the possibility of moderation?”

Here’s a quick email exchange between Marie (day 24) and me. 

Marie: Do you still struggle A LOT with the possibility of going back to drinking, yet just in moderation?  Or did you come to that profound realization that drinking in moderation just doesn’t work for you?  I love, love, love your blog and I think I know the answer to this but what I’m wondering is whether that torment gets easier in time.  Maybe it’s just me that feels a terrible amount of frustration and shame even with the fact that I cannot control myself as I’d like to around alcohol.  I feel like I should be able to control myself and that it’s ridiculous that I’m so in love with my red wine.

Me: About moderation, I haven’t ever settled on anything.  I think thinking too hard is part of the problem. Sometimes I think I’ll try moderation LATER, but for now I’m happy with this.  Later is later. It’s over there. It’s not today. Today I’m doing this 🙂 I originally thought I was quitting for 30 days, or 60, or 90.  Now I’m on day 319.  I haven’t made any big statements of anything.  I’m trying very hard to NOT be black and white about anything because that tends to make me feel nervous. Instead, I am just stating the truth:  I feel better now than I did when drinking.  The rest I’ll figure out later … Later is later.  It’s over there. It’s not today. Today I’m doing this.

Marie: Your thoughts on moderation and quitting really hit home with me.  I have committed to 100 days and whether or not I stay alcohol-free forever or not, I know, without a doubt at this point, that my relationship with alcohol will be different. When I quit smoking over 4 years ago, it was only for a year because I couldn’t imagine my life without a smoke every now and then.  I realized after a year that my relationship with cigarettes was really fucked up and that I didn’t want to go back to that place of longing and addiction.  At this point, even when my asshole friend makes me smell the sweet tobacco smell of a freshly unwrapped cigar (knowing full well I won’t even cheat on a small puff of a cigar because of my poor relationship with tobacco) I can still confidently say no and move on.  I may very well one day have the same relationship with a glass of Merlot.  For now, one day at a time, right?  🙂

… although I must say, i used to think that i’d try moderation (really? would i really?) at one year sober, the closer i get to it, the less likely it seems. I’d miss out on message like this one from Lily UK this morning:  “… Anyway Belle, even if I have to stay in [on Friday night] (also fabulous) and knit … I ain’t going to a pub, I ain’t going to drink. I’m never, ever, ever, going back there again. Wolf can scream, cry, kick, cajole, whisper sweet nothings in my ear, tell me all day long how boring life will be without alcohol how amazing life will be with it. Fuck off wolf Im not listening, I’m never going back. Sobriety rocks, it’s totally cool & trendy to be sober x love me, empowered lilyuk x.”

Team 100 update: 83 members. Welcome to new members: Em (7), Megan (4), Mary (4), Erika (10), Workerbeesc (4), Nancy (3), Helene (3), Elle (3), Jenna (4), Mae (3), Jackie (33), Diane (39).

Celebrations for: Amy (160), Emily (14), J (180), Sober Journalist (40), Mr. Belle (28), Katie (40), Roxanne (22), Chelsie (10).

“cosmic reason?”

I received this email from A. today.

She writes:  “I  am usually suspicious of the type of thinking that subscribes to the notion that things always happen for some cosmic reason. I believe that most of the time, crap just happens.

However, I just had a hell of a shitty day yesterday… and I drank (please reset me to Day 1 in the challenge.) My husband and daughter forgot that it was Mother’s Day and I got very upset. (I know, I’m an adult. I should realize that people don’t do things like that on purpose and just GROW UP, but yesterday it really hurt.)

I used my upset as an excuse — a fuck everything and everybody excuse. And I spiraled into the very typical alcoholic thinking that I suck, I’m a bad mother, I’m a bad wife, no one appreciates me, blah, blah, blah. I drank because I felt I deserved to be able to drink since everything else was so sucky.

So when I was lying awake in bed this morning and beating myself up some more, I figured that I better close this email account and stop pretending that I could ever quit drinking because everyone else seems to get in their sober car and never look back — and I keep turning the fucking car around. I felt I ought to just tattoo a big L on my forehead for loser and go crawl in a hole.

Then I logged onto the computer and saw your post from yesterday…

“You may stop and start a bit, while you figure out how to get your sober car on the road. It doesn’t matter.”

 Wow — talking directly to what I was feeling (is there a cosmic reason at work?) Maybe I’m not such a gigantic loser… (although, I do have to own the fact that I failed yesterday.) I can’t say that I’m feeling confident — I’m not sure how to get there in my mind. But certainly more hopeful that I felt earlier.

And you can quote me because today, you got me back in the car.

~ from A.

My response:

I ‘do’ believe in signs, but more in the way that when you’re ready to hear something, then the message makes sense.  You might have read the same thing a month ago, but today it makes sense to you…

PS/ And those little shits for forgetting Mother’s Day! Really.  If it was me, though, I’d have been reminding them for weeks.  I announce my birthday for one full month in advance.  I also post a list of gifts on the fridge that would suit me.  Nobody fucking forgets my birthday, I assure you. Those shits…

Here are some Mother’s Day flowers for A.:

Source: Diane Turner
Source: Diane Turner, http://www.flickr.com/photos/mcdlttx/132626781/

 

musical bits for Monday

I have three musical bits — hip hop, Aerosmith, and Plumb — sent to me by Lane (37), Jen (106), and MG (6)…

Lane sent me a link to this video, gotta love the chorus!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zzPvR4b4ds]

 

When Jen recently celebrated 100 days, I asked her if she could describe how it felt to be 100 days sober.

When I walked into rehab three months ago, this day of course wasn’t even on my radar. Back then, getting through the next 24 hours was all I could handle. I can’t really say when I was finally able to believe that things were going to be ok again. I’m still hesitant to jump into that fire. I had failed myself so many times before that hope seemed a dangerous indulgence for me…

They tell you in rehab never get too comfortable in your recovery success. It’s that “I got this” attitude that can whack you at the knees at any time. So, as the days pile up, and life gets better little by little, I’m starting to feel comfortable saying I think I’m going to be ok now. Of course, I’ll always either be in recovery or be addiction for the rest of my life. And right now, I’m in recovery and hope to stay here until I take my last breath on earth.  I carry no shame about being an alcoholic anymore. There, see? I said it out loud! I’m an alcoholic and I can’t drink responsibly. BUT, I can live my life responsibly and that means recovery work, keeping my eyes on my own paper, and not living in the past, but never forgetting it.

… There isn’t enough being said or celebrated about “making it through”. All of us out here need examples of real life people who carry messages of hope, people like yourself and your blog about your journey. This thing you do is courageous, and needed, and appreciated. Keep doing it, Belle! Really. I know I will do what I can to help erase the stigma surrounding addiction so that there is less fear for those who suffer.

My favorite recovery song right now is Amazing by Aerosmith. The chorus sums it all up beautifully:

It’s amazing
in the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
Oh, it’s amazing
when the moment arrives and you KNOW you’ll be alright
Yeah it’s amazing
and I’m saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

[youtube=http://youtu.be/zSmOvYzSeaQ]

 

And this song sent to me by MG:

[youtube=http://youtu.be/9ylnx0NA9X4]

No matter what you believe, no matter what kind of music you think you like, you might want to give these ‘sober’ songs a listen 🙂

rose colored glasses

Let there be no mistake. Getting sober is not a walk in the park. It’s not easy.

On this blog, I tend to be positive. That’s my way. Yes, at times — particularly if you’re having a shitty day — my tone will be irritating. It might look like my sober life is a fucking bowl of European chocolate covered cherries trimmed with rose petals. And that your sober life is hard and scary and freaky and soaked in dog shit.

Me: In case there is any misunderstanding, my sobriety might look ‘pretty and rosy and divine and twinkling’. But it isn’t. Your sobriety might look heinous and difficult and shitty and not worth it.  But it isn’t. We’re both doing the same thing. Trying to get and stay sober. And we’re doing the same thing in our own way.

Not all of my sober penpals are having an easy time.  Yes, I post the good numbers:  “Hooray for A, she’s on day 157!”

Maybe you can understand, but I don’t post “XXX had a drink yesterday and asked that her number be reset to day 1.” But it happens.

Me: You may stop and start a bit, while you figure out how to get your sober car on the road. It doesn’t matter. There is no right way. There is only your way.”

If you are having a terrible sober day, or you’re having a low-motivation sober week, or if you really wish you could drink today — please don’t think that that means you’re alone. You aren’t.

Those of us who are cheerleader-y by nature are also real people.

Some things you may not know:

While I usually can find a way to focus on the positive — both in my sobriety and in my life — I’m also a big crier. I cried at least twice this week about the tiny-gift-button, AND i even thought about saying fuck-it and that wine would be a good alternative to wading into a sober internet quagmire.

I bet you also didn’t know that I thought about drinking today. Not in a concrete:  “i am going to drink” way, but in a “this would be a good time for a glass of wine” way.  Then I switched channels in my head, and thought about something else.  The feeling didn’t last very long, but it was there. I think that in coming up to my one year anniversary soon, wolfie is starting to say things to me like “well, certainly one year is long enough and since you never really gave moderation a try, you should at least give it a go.”

When i say something (or when I share a quote from a penpal) that is along the lines of “we feel better sober than we did while drinking,” that does NOT mean that we’re always happy about every single moment of every single day.  There are some days that fucking suck. Some sober days it seems to you like everyone has a glass of wine in their hands, and that everyone can drink responsibly so why can’t you, and it makes you want to throw something at the TV screen.  There are days where you’ve said NO to everything and everyrone,  and now you want to say YES to some wine cuz this shit is hard.

I can tell you what I do when this happens to me, when i feel like wine would be a good idea.  These techniques have been working for me up to know, and i hope to fuck they continues to work especially as my one year anniversary approaches.

Over time, thankfully, I learn to see wolfie coming from further away, and I make changes quickly and definitively to avoid collision.  If i have a series of low days, or if I feel the irritated ‘I want to drink’ idea starting up, then I blog about it. I tell someone — even my husband. I take some action and do something proactive, like pour out the booze in the house (or move its location), or whatever.  I start running every day until I’m sure the feeling has passed. Then I go back to normal.  Sometimes wolfie is silenced with one email, sometimes it takes a few blogs and a few long runs and a couple of good crying spells.

Whatever it takes.

Please don’t misinterpret the happy tone of my blogs.  It is not all sunshine. But the good sober days are very very good, and the bad days when drinking were horrid. I’m choosing to live in the good days. Sometimes i have my rose colored glasses on.

Yes, it sucks for all of us sometimes. For example, today is only 50% good day for me. I feel a bit sick, my chest still hurts from my fall 2 weeks ago (so i alternatively think it’s a heart attack or cancer rather than bruised ribs), the weather is a bit cold, it’s sunday and my weekend is over and i’m not looking forward to this week, i think I’m getting a cold (again).

But — here’s the shiny positive shit that you hate — having a 50% good day is still better than if I was drinking/boozing/hiding.  And I count on tomorrow being an 85% good day. That’s where i’m headed. if tomorrow still sucks — and i usually know as soon as I wake up what kind of day it’s going to be — then I will take action and go for a longer run before i even turn on my computer. I’ll have a very healthy breakfast, I’ll skip sugar for a day, I’ll blog more, i’ll say something to my husband about how i’m feeling. and I’ll wait.

To drink now would mean to start again at day 1.  and no matter how today feels, i never want to have a day 1 again. Maybe you don’t either. That’s worth putting on some rose-colored glasses for, yes?

I don’t walk in dog shit (Sunday Want Ad #2)

Did you just roll out of bed after a hellish night and you feel like a bag of shit?

Are you literally, right now at 6:00 am on a Sunday morning, searching online for sober help?

Yes, you. Yes I can see you through the computer screen.

WANTED

There’s a small bunch of us. We’re doing 100 days sober. Yes, in a row.

Benefits include great sleep, return of self-esteem, elimination of hangovers. Lots of support. Save $400 to $1000 a month by not drinking. Limited quantities available.

And this week, the first 9 people who sign up will receive a fast-action bonus: SECRET HOMEWORK to help with the first few days.

[Anath writes: I love the [secret homework], I feel excited and motivated by it. Genius!]

[MG writes: YES – the [secret homework] is pure brilliance.  The whole *** is amazing.  Why didn’t I ever think about that? …  I am quickly gaining resolve and determination as we speak.  I was sad and depressed a few days ago, but I’m not any longer.  I’m proud of myself.”] –yes, this is an actual email 🙂

Double your money back guarantee. Operators are standing by.

PS.

Are you the type to feel rebellious, and say “Why can’t I drink? Other people can drink. I feel so pissed off that I have to give up drinking. I should be ALLOWED…”

Is that you?  (yeah, me too!)

Well, the pouting, the “why can’t I drink,” comes from focusing on not being ABLE to.
But when you flip it on its head, and you turn it into a decision, then you get to say:

“I don’t drink because it’s not good for me.
I don’t do cocaine either.
There’s a whole list of things I don’t ingest
just because other people do.
I do what’s best for me.
I also don’t drive without a seatbelt
and I don’t walk in dog shit.
I am taking care of me.”

[Team 100 has had 71 people in it. You can join now – no matter what day of sobriety you’re on. Happy Day #7 to Allie, Paula & Dawn. Happy Day #8 to Lily UK, PP & Lilly. Happy Day #20 to Marie. It’s Day #21 for Kriss, and Day #18 for Laura.]

today is the best day (part deux)

i just wrote a version of this to KT (who’s on day 9) on Friday, along the lines of “Every Day is a Good Day.” Here’s the original post, from January (when i was about 6.5 months sober):

Today is the Best Day

no matter what you think, when you’re quitting drinking, day one is best day.

it’s the day your sober car starts to roll downhill. it’s the day you’ll get to remember, and look back on, and it’s the day you’ll count from.  it’s your day one.  the first day.  It is the beginning of a parade of days that will go by, each one with its own challenges. … more here

I had an antsy feeling that I could only sum up with these words: “I want wine”

today is a good day but some days are rotten. Some days when we were drinking were rotten, and some days when we are sober are rotten.

DDG (49 days / 7 weeks!) sent me an email last week about feeling rotten, bored, antsy, irritated with the world. nothing to look forward to. and she said “being sober can be SO boring.”

as i was writing back to her (yes, some days suck. they just do), towards the end of the email i wrote out something i’d never really heard before. but once i wrote it i knew it was true.

oh I have lots of completely down days, had several this week.  just have so much to do and can’t get motivated to do any of it. right in the middle of catering on Wednesday I thought “I’m so done with this I never want to do it again.” then sometimes it think “I need a new project” and then other times I think “I should finish some of the projects I have going, like I haven’t filed my taxes yet …” There are whole afternoons lost to the internet and/or cooking tv shows.  And then there are days when I wake up, I feel better, I go for a run, I have a cup of coffee and everything seems fucking perfect.

my only miracle cures for days in the ‘dumps’ are sleep + running + cake.  oh and a bit of tea. and some sunshine …
and then when I have a good day, I’m all like super-analyzing trying to figure out WHY it’s a good day so that I can do it again tomorrow …

[last week on Thursday, on a particularly crappy day] i said to my husband “I’m going out to the store for boxes for mailing stuff and I’m going to get some wine. It feels like a good day for wine.” and Mr. Belle said it probably wasn’t.

Then I went to the store to buy boxes.  I wasn’t really even really really thinking of buying wine.

but I had an antsy feeling that I could only sum up with those words.  after I bought the boxes, I cleaned out my inbox, had tea … the moment of “wine” was really a half-formed-thought-in-a-moment. at 10 months sober, I guess I know that I won’t actually drink.

but some blah days it seems like “this would be a good time for wine” is my go-to response to ‘cover up the day and hide from all of this, are we there yet, is this over yet’ feelings.  Instead, I go to bed early, get up and go for a long run, make a new recipe.

I’m not going to drink because of other disappointing other people. Because I never want to be on Day 1 again. Because I’m afraid if I restart drinking that I won’t be able to find the door into sobriety again and I’ll get stuck out there … I’m afraid because I’m not even sure that the antsy shit I feel is even wolfie at all.  he’s probably asleep and all that’s left is vestiges, worn neural pathways, patterns, habits.  and I am NOT going to drink because of a worn pathway.

and that, she says, is a grand commiseration for bored, blah, this day has no meaning. Knowing that tomorrow will be better.  because it always is. AND THANK FUCKING GOD FOR THAT!

(well, not god, per se …) but you know what i mean

hugs, Belle xoxo

Team 100 update: welcome to new members Lily UK (day 3), Moonbeam (2), JMM (6), Dawn (2), Paula (2), Clare, Allison (10), Allie (2), JG (3), TheDryCork (1), Colleen (4), Chelsie (1).

Celebrations today for: Jenni (day 99!), Sunflower (45), Lynda (49), Ellen/Whineless (20), Victoria (45), Kate (31), Lawyer Anne (28), Brandy (21), Lane (30), Katie (21).