Jason Vale – Tired of Thinking About Drinking

before, even earlier last week, i really was holding myself back from drinking. I wanted to drink but i wasn’t doing it. I’d periodically get some good feeling moments of “yes i like this” and i definitely had positive and pink cloudy times, especially when reading Jason Vale or Allen Carr.

then things changed and now, based on yesterday’s experience, i think it’s pretty clear that now i don’t want to drink. I don’t want any, even by accident. That’s a big huge change.

i credit this shift with several things:

i knew this shift was coming, because other sober people told me that the obsessing would stop, for some it was around 60-90 days. i was always encouraged that it got MUCH MUCH better, and not to give up before i got to the much better place. i have been able to trust the wisdom and counsel of others who’ve been there before me. I do not have to put my hand in fire to know that it burns. you can tell me and i’ll believe you. some days i’ll fucking hate your guts, but i won’t quit and i will believe you. here’s the truth: I cannot learn all of life’s lessons by experiencing them myself. I have to be able to follow sensible, sage advice.Life is short and there’s lots i want to do and accomplish. i’ve always had mentors (and i have to listen to their advice!). This online community is my group of mentors for this task. You rock. In ways you can’t even imagine.
i asked for a sign from the universe that it would be OK to drink, and instead the universe gave me a van on its side on the sidewalk. I barely even believe in signs, but i was feeling pretty desperate that day. the sign was so large, so fast, and so clear that i felt like my insides were shaken. in a good way.
i also still feel like a bit of the 20-year-old’s serene life view has been distributed amongst her family and friends now that she has passed. When she stayed here in our apartment with us, she was like a snail. you couldn’t make her do anything quickly. she had her own time and her own way for everything. She didn’t fight back, she just did her own thing. She didn’t wrestle, or even seem to struggle. She was just gliding along, singing, this ideal smile on her face. She was always looking for the best and most enjoyable way to do everything. She took her time and the overwhelming feeling that everyone has in knowing her is that she always seemed to be ‘at peace’ with whatever was happening in her life. Now that she’s gone, it’s like her attitudes and her life view have overflowed and affected everyone who knew her. and her impact is clear: from the tributes on FB, to the memorial service held for her outside in the sun, to the cupcakes people brought to the service instead of flowers. Please know, I do not wish a 20-year-old death on anyone. but death does have a way of making your own life crystal clear.

was just reading this lovely newly sober post, and I wrote a comment and I wanted to share part of it here.

i know that empty ‘hole’ feeling you keep trying to pour stuff into. except most people can’t articulate it as well as you have.
I am particularly struck by your comment of gulping before bed. I used to do that, too. And now – 46 days later – i look back and think “what the hell WAS that? you’d already had 4 glasses of wine, and yet you took some to bed to drink JUST before turning off the lights … why? to feel a buzz? you’re going to be asleep. To guarantee that you will sleep? sheesh i think the first 4 glasses and the fact that it’s 1 am would do that just fine.”
It’s like a switch gets turned on, and we keep drinking till we fall down (literally or figuratively).
not drinking might be a struggle some days but it HAS to be better than living like that … who wants to go THERE again and feel so desperately empty … [blech].

Before I read Jason Vale & Allen Carr, i never had any idea that perhaps the booze itself was creating the ‘hole’ feeling. i never considered that the alcohol was making me feel empty. i just thought some part of me was broken and that i was trying to fix it with booze.

what a bunch of bullshit.

we are ALL broken in our own small (or large ways). that doesn’t mean that adding poison will be helpful : ) I know, i know, that seems like a “duh” moment now, doesn’t it. I can assure you that while i was drinking, booze seemed like the ONLY solution to ALL problems.

Lonely? Drink.
Irritated? Drink.
Stressed? Drink.
Need to take a nap in the middle of the day and afraid you won’t fall asleep quickly enough? Drink.
Vacation? Drink earlier.
Feel wickedly hung over? well, a small drink does wonders to make you suddenly feel “much better”.

Holy shit, batman.

i’m glad for today and I’m glad that i’m moving into a new part of my sober time, because it’s all seeming a LOT clearer now. And when my 3-year old whining brain periodically says “yes i know all that but I WAAAANNNT it anyway,” i am now better equipped to say to the 3-year old,

It doesn’t matter if you want it. it’s not good for you. booze is a bottomless pit of emptiness that can’t be filled. get over it. find something else to do.

[ps if you haven’t read the Allen Carr book, Easy Way to Control Alcohol, then i recommend it. Yes, it’s basically the Jason Vale book rehashed. Yes, it’s the same ideas in virtually the same order with almost the same examples. BUT it’s very well written, has some different examples, and uses a Pitcher Plant analogy of sliding to the bottom that is very helpful. If, like me, you were a tiny bit sad when you finished reading the Vale book, because you were riding high and then were sad that the book was over … well, you’ll be pleased to pick up this second book. I’m reading it more slowly, I don’t want it to be over! I like being tucked into their world (Vale’s and Carr’s). In their world, booze is poison, and we are MUCH better off without it … when i hang out with them, i believe this to be the truth and i’m thankful.]