before, even earlier last week, i really was holding myself back from drinking. I wanted to drink but i wasn’t doing it. I’d periodically get some good feeling moments of “yes i like this” and i definitely had positive and pink cloudy times, especially when reading Jason Vale or Allen Carr.
then things changed and now, based on yesterday’s experience, i think it’s pretty clear that now i don’t want to drink. I don’t want any, even by accident. That’s a big huge change.
i credit this shift with several things:
- i knew this shift was coming, because other sober people told me that the obsessing would stop, for some it was around 60-90 days. i was always encouraged that it got MUCH MUCH better, and not to give up before i got to the much better place. i have been able to trust the wisdom and counsel of others who’ve been there before me. I do not have to put my hand in fire to know that it burns. you can tell me and i’ll believe you. some days i’ll fucking hate your guts, but i won’t quit and i will believe you. here’s the truth: I cannot learn all of life’s lessons by experiencing them myself. I have to be able to follow sensible, sage advice.Life is short and there’s lots i want to do and accomplish. i’ve always had mentors (and i have to listen to their advice!). This online community is my group of mentors for this task. You rock. In ways you can’t even imagine.
- i asked for a sign from the universe that it would be OK to drink, and instead the universe gave me a van on its side on the sidewalk. I barely even believe in signs, but i was feeling pretty desperate that day. the sign was so large, so fast, and so clear that i felt like my insides were shaken. in a good way.
- i also still feel like a bit of the 20-year-old’s serene life view has been distributed amongst her family and friends now that she has passed. When she stayed here in our apartment with us, she was like a snail. you couldn’t make her do anything quickly. she had her own time and her own way for everything. She didn’t fight back, she just did her own thing. She didn’t wrestle, or even seem to struggle. She was just gliding along, singing, this ideal smile on her face. She was always looking for the best and most enjoyable way to do everything. She took her time and the overwhelming feeling that everyone has in knowing her is that she always seemed to be ‘at peace’ with whatever was happening in her life. Now that she’s gone, it’s like her attitudes and her life view have overflowed and affected everyone who knew her. and her impact is clear: from the tributes on FB, to the memorial service held for her outside in the sun, to the cupcakes people brought to the service instead of flowers. Please know, I do not wish a 20-year-old death on anyone. but death does have a way of making your own life crystal clear.