Being sober is like being bald

from an new, undetermined-as-of-yet writing project

Being sober is like being bald.

At first, you look around and you don’t see anyone who looks like you.

Some people have a lot of hair, long and curly, no fuss. Other people have crew cuts. Some go bald in their 20s, some never (some people quit drinking in their 20s, some never).

Do you look around and feel pissed off that you’re going bald? Do you resent it?

Some do, not you.

Some go to great lengths to look like they’re not (comb-overs, ponytails, baseball caps, photos cropped at the forehead). Some go to great lengths to look like they’re drinking (juice in wine glasses, mocktails, fake beer).

OK, so as it turns out, lots of people have naked heads and wear wigs. But I want my own hair, you say, tears squirting from tiny tear ducts. And it’s nice that you want your own hair. But now what? You don’t have it. Yes, other people have it, you don’t.

Sheryl Sandberg: “I cried to him, ‘But I want Dave. I want option A.’ He put his arm around me and said, ‘Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.'”

So here’s to Option B. And anyway, it’s a relief to be sober (bald). You can dress up and have a nicer time with friends than you did before (you can put on a wig and have nicer hair than before). You spend zero money on booze, dumb restaurant tabs, paying for taxis, paying for rounds for people you don’t even know. (You spend zero money on hair cuts, colour, cuts, clips and curling irons.)

Moderation is like a comb-over. You cannot pull it off. You look ridiculous, it’s obvious, and in any stress (or wind) it fails.

The real you. Option B.

The real you has thinning hair and then is bald. Blame your mother if you like, might as well, you blame her for everything anyway.  Her genes.

Now you have choices. Look lame, waste time, spend money, feel bad.

OR you shave the fucker off. You can be proud and bald (if ya like) or you can hold a mocktail and say no thanks. That part’s up to you.

~ this is a different article ~

But to sit on the bus (in the restaurant) staring at the back of someone’s head (at their glass) wishing you were them, is crazy-making. Because let’s say you WERE them. They’ve got something else you don’t want. That ‘normie’ has one thing that looks positive (to you, her alcohol consumption) but has at least two other things in her life that you want no part of.

The person you get to be is you.

You’re a non-drinker. You get to keep the other things you like about you, all the aspects that you’re proud of. This is another one to add to the list: sober. You are sober and you’re done with looking at the man with the Tom Cruise Hair wondering if you could be him. Do you want to BE Tom Cruise? Didn’t think so.

You can be you. Rocking the shit out of Option B.