was just reading this lovely newly sober post, and I wrote a comment and I wanted to share part of it here.
i know that empty ‘hole’ feeling you keep trying to pour stuff into. except most people can’t articulate it as well as you have.
I am particularly struck by your comment of gulping before bed. I used to do that, too. And now – 46 days later – i look back and think “what the hell WAS that? you’d already had 4 glasses of wine, and yet you took some to bed to drink JUST before turning off the lights … why? to feel a buzz? you’re going to be asleep. To guarantee that you will sleep? sheesh i think the first 4 glasses and the fact that it’s 1 am would do that just fine.”
It’s like a switch gets turned on, and we keep drinking till we fall down (literally or figuratively).
not drinking might be a struggle some days but it HAS to be better than living like that … who wants to go THERE again and feel so desperately empty … [blech].
Before I read Jason Vale & Allen Carr, i never had any idea that perhaps the booze itself was creating the ‘hole’ feeling. i never considered that the alcohol was making me feel empty. i just thought some part of me was broken and that i was trying to fix it with booze.
what a bunch of bullshit.
we are ALL broken in our own small (or large ways). that doesn’t mean that adding poison will be helpful : ) I know, i know, that seems like a “duh” moment now, doesn’t it. I can assure you that while i was drinking, booze seemed like the ONLY solution to ALL problems.
Lonely? Drink.
Irritated? Drink.
Stressed? Drink.
Need to take a nap in the middle of the day and afraid you won’t fall asleep quickly enough? Drink.
Vacation? Drink earlier.
Feel wickedly hung over? well, a small drink does wonders to make you suddenly feel “much better”.
Holy shit, batman.
i’m glad for today and I’m glad that i’m moving into a new part of my sober time, because it’s all seeming a LOT clearer now. And when my 3-year old whining brain periodically says “yes i know all that but I WAAAANNNT it anyway,” i am now better equipped to say to the 3-year old,
It doesn’t matter if you want it. it’s not good for you. booze is a bottomless pit of emptiness that can’t be filled. get over it. find something else to do.
<le sigh>
[ps if you haven’t read the Allen Carr book, Easy Way to Control Alcohol, then i recommend it. Yes, it’s basically the Jason Vale book rehashed. Yes, it’s the same ideas in virtually the same order with almost the same examples. BUT it’s very well written, has some different examples, and uses a Pitcher Plant analogy of sliding to the bottom that is very helpful. If, like me, you were a tiny bit sad when you finished reading the Vale book, because you were riding high and then were sad that the book was over … well, you’ll be pleased to pick up this second book. I’m reading it more slowly, I don’t want it to be over! I like being tucked into their world (Vale’s and Carr’s). In their world, booze is poison, and we are MUCH better off without it … when i hang out with them, i believe this to be the truth and i’m thankful.]