thinking about ‘never’ gets us stuck

K says: “so grateful to be a part of this challenge – it is helping me in so many ways.”

then I say “can you elaborate?” and she says …

Well, i have to say that i have about 100 reasons not to drink, but when i have a craving or someone asks me if i want to go out for beers … i often can’t think of a single one of my reasons to not drink. [it’s going to make me feel like absolute hell tomorrow? it’s expensive? i will look like a fool when one of my roommates wakes up to pee at four in the morning and i’m alone in the dark living room, hammered and still drinking like tomorrow is not a word in my vocabulary?] All of those reasons seem to disappear when I want to drink. Or i tell myself i will behave this time and will drink normally, and go to bed when everyone else does. (i never do.)

Being a part of the challenge has eliminated alcohol as an option for me, so when asked to go drinking in the last few weeks, my answer is an absolute, “no thank you.” It’s the first and only thing that comes to my mind.

also what i like about the challenge is that it is 100 days — not forever. in the past, i have gone from drinking my brains out, to saying i am going to stop forever. and then a really enticing opportunity to drink would arise and i would think, “well forever can start tomorrow, or after xyz event.” A hundred days is a very short time compared to forever, and for now it is a number that seems more significant than 30 and easier to swallow than, say, 365.


It’s funny that K wrote about “forever” because I had just written something along the same lines to Carrie.  And I wrote this for Carrie twice, cuz in the space of 24 hrs, she asked virtually the same question two separate times 🙂

I do believe that thinking about ‘never’ gets us stuck.  in early sobriety, everything is hard. so the BIG idea of ‘never’ is just too much to do right now.

the only plan I have is to not drink today.  and perhaps not drink tomorrow.  the rest of it, I’ll deal with it when it comes.  and the longer I’m sober, the more I realize that I’m likely to continue treating it the same way I have up to now. and that is a huge giant fucking relief.

is it never? I don’t even have to think about what never means.  I just have to do my thing.  and keep doing it.  rise, lather, repeat.  sure, I’m sure that ‘never’ gives a kind of comfort, but I’m just the kind of girl who hates rigid rules and might just rebel.  so I know me well enough, that if I’ve found something that’s working, I’m not changing it.  not even a tiny bit.  I’m just doing this.  again.  and again tomorrow 🙂

All of the muddled up thoughts (“is this forever?”) do stop.  It’s just wolfie rebelling, trying to find loopholes, ways out, ways to drink again.  and here’s the TRUTH:  you’re doing fine. even if you don’t believe me.  [this is why you’ve reached out for advice from others, because you truly can’t tell… that you’re ALREADY doing everything right.]

you’re not drinking.  that’s it. That’s all you have to do 🙂

9 months

not a typo, not an april fool’s joke. today is my 9 month sober-versary… no shit!

besides all of the anticipated comments about how i’ve birthed a baby or grown a human in this time, how i’ve become me, etc. etc. lemme say this: something has changed for me this month.

When I was 8 months sober, i was like “well, that’s a nice accomplishment.” And as I got closer and closer to 9 months, i realized something else entirely new.  I began to know that I’m easily going all the way to 1 year.  I mean, really, it’s only a short 3-month coast downhill from here.  My sober car has enough momentum now that i can easily see my one year sober-versary coming up.

also, now that the sober car is moving downhill, under its own speed, I no longer have to have both hands firmly clenched at 10-and-2 all the time. I have started to be able to relax and look around at the scenery.

This wasn’t a planned transition — are transitions ever planned? — i just realized maybe two or three days ago that I’m done with all of the struggle. I’m done with cravings in any meaningful way. I periodically have a thought like “wine would be a good idea right now” but those thoughts aren’t very well formed, and they have no possibility of turning into an action.

Update on Team 100: Anne is working on day 22, Emily on 13, and Heidi had a truly crappy weekend and she’s on day 21. Lynda is nearly day 14 (celebrations!). And me, i’m on day 275 (my first day 100% sober was July 1st. My longest sober stretch before that was about 9 days … this is a tiny bit longer than 9 days now!).

Being Sober is Like …

Today is Easter, and whether you celebrate it or not, it’s a great time for resurrecting, right?  🙂 Thanks to Whineless (day 3) for the great title.

You might think it’s hard to describe how great it is to be sober. Apparently Carrie (21) has no problem finding the words:

“Being sober is like the smell of freshly baked bread every morning when I wake up. It’s like the smell of fresh cut grass when I go outside. It feels like the last day of school as I go about my day.  Like stretching your legs after a really long car journey when I get home. At  the very end of my day, it’s like getting into bed when the sheets have just been cleaned. It’s like the white noise that you didn’t notice in the background of your thoughts suddenly stops. I can’t get enough of that silence. Being sober is all of this and with support it is even more. It’s when someone puts a blanket on you just as you are about to fall asleep. That’s you, that is. You do that.”

So how great is it to be sober? Her email got me thinking.

  • It’s like a Sunday long run, where you get all the green lights, taxis stop to let you cross, and then you run along the water in a group of other runners
  • It’s like when your husband makes you a tuna sandwich, because he does a better job, cuz he puts in bits of minced garlic
  • It’s like eating the best piece of red velvet cake, on a holiday weekend, after your long run, reading a brand new magazine, with a cup of coffee
  • It’s like a trip up the Eiffel Tower, a tour through the Vatican, a midnight walk across the Tower Bridge (with a full moon!).
  • It’s like swimming in the ocean and then stretching out on a blanket to dry off in the sun

And you? Can you describe how great it is to be sober … “It’s like…  [insert here]”

Happy Easter, or Happy Sunday, or Happy Whatever this day means to you 🙂 Love, me (274)

we feed it cake and say “shut the fuck up”

That desire to drink, it’s so boring. it comes and goes without warning, sometimes even without reason. The desire to drink is like a 3-year old having a temper tantrum. You’re going along fine, then the temper tantrum starts.  You look at your 3-year old and you think, “What? Now? In the bakery? You want wine now?” But if we can treat our desire to drink just like a whining 3-year old, we’d say: “yes, I hear you, but the answer is no.” Then the whining gets quieter.  That, and we feed it cake and say “shut the fuck up” 🙂

[I just sent that message to Jenny, in response to a comment about how the desire to drink is ‘here today, gone tomorrow’.]

and let me just say three cheers for Heidi, she is on day 19 today. Amy is 114. K is on day 16 🙂  There are now 23 of us on Team 100. And we’re all sober today.  So far as I know 🙂