hammered dog shit

The Face (day 8): “It’s day 8 and as you promised I am feeling so much better than last week when I felt like hammered dog shit…lol….  I ran this morning for two miles and even though my pace was slow it feels good taking control of my life again. Alcohol ravaged so much and took away my life for years and finally with your positive support and this challenge I am making head way bringing myself back. Thank you for this challenge and being a part of my journey. Christmas is coming and I may not have exactly as I wished for but the best gift of all is ringing the holidays sober and with a clear head and I think that just might be the best gift of all. Day 8 and sober no matter what.”

~

i like this email for lots of reasons. particularly the image of hammered dog shit, god don’t I know what that feels like. And yes, i know that getting sober isn’t the magic cure-all for life, but hitting that 7-9 day window is like having the sun shine directly into your head. the last dregs of the booze are finally gone and it’s a tiny glimpse into what life might be like without it. if you’re struggling with getting past day 4, i’d encourage you to *hide in bed* until day 7-9. Then you can come out and see if there’s sunshine in your head. it just might happen 🙂

Happy Happy Happy Day 180 to BK today!
She is a sober rockstar.

imagining a loss that’s not even likely to occur

I’m getting lots of emails about FUTURE events. what about christmas eve? what about that weird party that i don’t want to go to that is in 3 months?

it’s ALL wolfie.

here’s an example:

~

MB (day 4):  “This morning I received an email from a dear friend, just a hello, but it made me recall all the fun times we’ve had together that have involved drinking. That brings a much more potent anxiety — losing my part in a great old group of friends by becoming a nondrinker. I know it’s a myth. But it evokes a strong sadness and fear. Just trying to look into why that is. Very grateful for your ear.”

me: “wolfie does like to torture us with ‘future’ events… it’s entirely possible that your friends won’t give a shit that you’re not drinking, they’ll just be glad to see you. Well… it’s possible. :)”

MB: “I expect they would continue to love me even while I’m sober, yes. I can see I’m imagining a loss that’s not even likely to occur. And then using that out-and-out fantasy to nudge myself toward drinking. Wiley! Thank you.”

~

and that wolfie? he is wiley, like wiley coyote. He says stuff that you think is true, and it just isn’t. I’m going to lose ALL of my friends (not true). I’m going to hate Christmas Eve if i have to do it sober (just not true at all). I’m going to have a future episode in three months that will tip me over, so i might as well drink now (really really not true, cuz in 3 months you’ll have 90 MORE SOBER DAYS under your belt and you have no idea how good that’s gonna feel).

wolfie. he’ll say just about anything.

and for me, the only thing that helped me sort out the difference between what was really ME and what was wolfie, was to listen to what other boozers said. They’re tuning in the same radio station of wolfie? Then it’s not me. Time to change the channel.

things happen for the right reason and at the right time

Mauri (day 11):

Before I found out about you Belle, I thought about going to AA. I just can’t bring myself to sitting in a room with a group of people and admit I’m a alcoholic. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it …. unfortunately alcoholic can be such a nasty word! I believe my problem is also a behavioral issue. I see a counselor once a week … He was surprised when I told him about you and that I was doing the 100 day challenge. I wish I had found you sooner. I do believe things happen for the right reason and at the right time. I’m glad I found you and your website.

I told my husband about Wolfie. So if he heard mumbling under my breath saying fuck you Wolfie it wasn’t him I was talking to or my cat.

I hope I didn’t sound like to much a  nut job!”

me:

you sound just like me, so if we’re nutty, we’re in it together!”

I love to hear that my un-normalcy is actually real …

Lots of response to the micro email i sent out yesterday called “Trapped in a revolving door for 28 years…” (if you missed it because you’re not on the list, then get on it

here’s some of the feedback:

Fiona (day 94): “Amen to that! What strikes me about the vast majority of these posts are how they resonate SO much. The revolving door is exactly what it felt like and I’ve lost count of the notes to self and the resulting self pitying scrawl when I’ve been pissed – again! Really love this e-mail thing as they pop in when you least expect it and it acts like a cuddle – great stuff!”

Nevermore (day 4): “I LOVE this story. I do know about the sticky notes. I even had a printout of all the reasons to stop drinking, taped to my desk. It started becoming invisible and wrinkled with all the moving around it got from being in my way. My friend was too demanding each night. I love her paragraph: “Well, it was like I was trapped in a revolving door for 28 SODDING YEARS and somehow it has stopped in the right place I have walked out and can breathe again.” I am taping THAT to my desk!”

Shell Bell (day 10):“Don’t stop “the after thought” emails…. Amanda was RIGHT ON TARGET! I felt the same way!! – I am celebrating day [10] – but my life was an endless “when i quit, I should quit, I need to quit…” post-it notes plastered to my brain and vision! I also let go of all my “joys”, working out, being social to working all day- heading home- feed the kids, and sit down and drink a bottle wine daily- and get depressed because nothing is changing! What a fricking crazy lie from the voice of Wolfie! I love to hear that my un-normalcy is actually real… and that there is hope! Tell Amanda I “high five her!”- and am cheering her on! Maybe her post-it notes now read “Superstar!, Awesome! Beautiful”…. and Sober! She will be in such a better place for her Mom….mentally to process the things she may not be able to change but accept… Back to shaking the money tree….. (aka work). Sober laughing rocks!”

how cool and powerful to quit drinking

Anonymous:

I came across your blog and I am excited about the 100 day challenge. I can’t do it right now, but I want to start Jan 1st, probably like a million other people.  I have tried meetings and I hate them.  I quit a couple of months ago for almost a month, the first month is the hardest, so I want to try again and reading all the blogs I think will be helpful. I will see you in January!”

me:

whenever you’d like to feel better, I’ll be here 🙂 imagine how cool and powerful it’d be to give up drinking on December 30th and then celebrate your first new years eve sober … or hey, start today …

OK I’m teasing. Whenever you’re ready is fine. I had to plan my quit date about a month in advance, just to psyche myself up! hugs, belle xo”

peaceful revolution

Kirst (day 49):

Hi Belle,

Just a quick email to let you know that I am still kicking the wolf’s ass – 49 days sober, that’s nearly halfway to 100 and approximately 1/292nd of the way to the rest of my life!

Still loving the blog, I read far more than I comment and I love it all – you have the start of a peaceful revolution on your hands here, lol.

Big hugs, thanks for helping me get this far xxx Kirst”

yesterday was tough … and nudity

ldederer (day 8):

Yesterday was tough, the weather was shit, my husband was a shit, so the day was shit.  I had major drinking urges, and found a bottle of MY wine in my husband’s backseat. Went to bed at 7pm.”

me:

this is really perfect. you did exactly the right thing.  hooray for you. hope today is a better day. love, me”

~

Alana (day 5):

a bit worried about the weekend. hubs wants to go out to dinner saturday night, but i’m not sure i can resist [wolfie] in that scenario.  i asked if we could instead go to a movie (something we have NEVER done at night).  can’t believe he agreed.  it’s not that i want or expect him to not drink just because i’m abstaining (he can, after all, stop when it’s time to stop), so i’m quite touched that he’s willing to go “sober” with me for an evening…”

me:

just imagine 🙂 a sober date with a guy who loves you and wants to support you. imagine sober times spent together actually having a conversation. hmm. I suspect there may be nudity. ha!”

Alana:

i was in a meeting (with a bunch of suits discussing business stuff – ugh) when i received your message. laughed out loud!”

me:

excellent. my job here is done.”

this made me snort tea out of my nose

CatGirl:

[my dad said about my sobriety] ‘So far, so good, but I have serious doubts long term. It’s far too easy to hide and evade the truth online’ … He won’t be satisfied until I’m going to four meetings a week. That much is obvious. Am I missing something here? I thought the point of all of this was for me to get sober and be happy.”

me:

look at what he’s saying. “so far so good” … and yes it is easy to hide online. But he hasn’t surveyed your communications so he’s expressing a general worry for someone he loves.

Yes, you ARE doing it differently than he thinks you are. And you’re going to show him how long term sobriety is possible in way that is different from what he’s doing. He knows one way to be sober that works for him so he wants everyone to do it the same way because this shit is dangerous and he doesn’t want you off doing any alternative medicine shit.

Over time he will see you’re OK. Or maybe he’ll always be worried. Maybe if you were a lesbian he’d be worried forever that you’re missing out on a big dick. Maybe he worries about you.

Yes, he has a terrible way of expressing himself, but it’s entirely totally possible that he loves you. Cuz truly, if he didn’t care, he’d say “whatever” and he’d move on …”

CatGirl:

This made me snort tea out of my nose. Awesome.”