Hopeful62 is worried that her relationship with her husband will change if she is longer-term sober. She emailed me about having defined roles in a relationship, and how being sober might changes things (presumably in a bad way).
So my reply? Well it includes a bit of: What if the changes are positive? What if we evolve into a better version of ourselves? Slightly less irritated, slightly less anxious. You may have better boundaries and speak up for yourself more. These aren’t bad things 🙂
And then I say this quote, but you'll have to listen to the audio to find out why... “I don’t give a shit for a millisecond what my husband thinks of croissants.”
This is an audio clip from Sober Podcast #215. I did a personalized audio for a subscriber about fear, defensiveness, rationalizations. And it’s also about the incongruent idea of drinking — how having alcohol in your life wouldn’t match up with what you say, and who you say you are. You can listen to this clip from the audio, and then send me a comment.
If you’d like to listen to the whole thing, you can use the link to download link at the bottom of this message.
Question: In what way is drinking incongruent with who you say you are?
This is one of the first paintings Mr.Belle did, back before i started putting them on the site. this is a RARE example of early work … Exit the situation. If booze is an elevator that only goes down, then you EXIT. Now would be a good time. You were looking for a sign? Here’s your sign.…
so if you’re feeling wacky and wound up, especially in times like this, then what can you ELIMINATE that’ll make you feel better? alcohol, for sure, but what else? i share some suggestions in this one-minute message.
you can listen below. nothing to download. just press play 🙂
this week’s sunday audio is about changing things to get different results. imagine you were cold and wanted to get warm. would you remove the blankets that you already have, or would you add new blankets—new layers of supports? being sober is just like this. adding layers of things to get new outcomes. in this audio i talk about something i read this week by Sean McCabe on the subject of habits and outcomes, and how it maps exactly to how we can change our approach to being sober.
the blog post about habits by Sean McCabe (seanwes). link here
the music, “Ibiza Dream,” thanks to Chris Haugen. link here
the photo for ‘adding blankets of support’ thanks to The Bees. link here
the unedited version of today’s audio, where i talk about ‘across the pond’, my plans for an extended rant, and the idea of naming these audios ‘clutch/fart’ will be sent in its entirety to podcast subscribers. link here
original art, thanks to mr.belle you have potential when you’re sober this is a close-up of painting #589 click link here
“My parents being here is always a major issue for me … rest and self care go out the window. My parents have no boundaries with me and impossible standards. I clean my entire house a week before they arrive and it’s still not good enough for them. They are constantly going from 7 am to 10 pm. Errands, paperwork, cleaning chores, household projects, nonstop. If I tell them I don’t feel well and want to rest, they will either accuse me of not being sober or will tell me to ‘go rest for an hour’ and then come into my bedroom every 5 mins asking me to help them with something that ‘cannot wait’ like finding old tax records or asking me to check if the dishwasher always makes that noise, or show them where my duct tape or mustard seeds or whatever fucking random weird thing they need for their project is … What should I do? I feel trapped. Audio ideas?”
me: it does sounds like a lot of pressure. you may have to be very firm with your mom … if you feel like she’s not giving you space, and interrupting you even when you’re in the bathroom (!), then you’ll have to be firmer. ‘No Mom, not now. No Mom, not now’ — as if she is 5 years old, and you would just repeat the same phrase, without being angry. By the third time she asks and you repeat it again, she’ll get it, but you might have to say NO three times in a row before she hears you.
and how about these audios [i can make up a bundle too]:
SP103 – Boundaries (i’m doing this to take care of ME, you say. i’m learning how to say no)
SP163 – Good Boundaries (we care so much that other people like us, that we don’t care if we like ourselves …)
SP169 – Interview Practise 1 (how to maintain boundaries, why do we over-drink (is it family history?)
SP211 – The Sprinkler (how to avoid dealing with someone (or some situation) that is making you feel nutty)
a 2-minute clip from SP187 – Take Care of You (this is not the whole podcast, just an extract) – what does it mean to ‘take care of yourself’?
OMM020 Boundaries: there are toxic people around you, there is shit-pouring. you need an umbrella. how do you get one?
this is an extract from the longer sober podcast “Episode 218: Bored.” Someone asked me to talk about what boredom in sobriety means, and what to do with your time. Like, how do you deal with having an empty evening?
Get more one minute messages on iTunes (apple podcasts) > link
or search for ‘Belle Sober Message’ on whatever podcast platform you use
Get the full audio for the Bored podcast episode #218 here > link ($4.99)
if booze is an elevator that only goes down, then you look for the exit. and you get off, and stay off. and in some parts of the world, the signage is different. it doesn’t say ‘exit’ – it says ‘way out’ … link > www.artsober.com
I’m reading a book and if I read to you from the book And I substitute the word ‘sober’ where he’s talking about something else This will make as much sense to you as it did to me when I was reading it
And it goes like this The worst part of this whole situation is that starting being sober and not continuing Makes you feel terrible
These are not his words This is me changing it because as soon as I read it I thought OK I have to share this because this is genius Because when you make a goal to be sober You make a promise to yourself The moment you create that goal You’ve made a silent promise And then when you don’t do it, you’ve broken that promise And you’ve lied to the person you spend the most time with Which is you And if you break enough promises You start to doubt yourself
That’s not surprising
If someone told you a dozen different times That they’d meet you for coffee and then they never showed up You wouldn’t trust them If a parent promised to pick you up at soccer practice And didn’t You’d lose faith in them If a boss promised you a promotion And then didn’t deliver month after month You’d quit believing her
When you break enough promises you start to doubt yourself This is not surprising
I thought when I read that: This is exactly what early sobriety is about We don’t know if we can count on ourselves We don’t know if we’re going to do it
We want to move away from the place of feeling bad We want to move into a new place of feeling better
How do you do that How do you quit
You get support from someone external to you Someone who could repeatedly In an email In an audio In an audio Whisper in your ear This is what you want This is what you’re doing Doesn’t matter what you’ve done before It doesn’t matter that you didn’t show up for soccer practice before What matters is what you’re doing today Because today is how you write the new story Of what happens next
~ if alcohol is an elevator that only goes down, you may have to look for an exit. and once you’re off, stay off. original art thanks to mr.belle who has been painting in the living room of the rental apartment in vermont. including getting navy blue paint on the beige carpet … this is Exit #509, link > www.artsober.com