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Being afraid of relapse is not the same thing as relapsing

I have a cold. my colds are never very bad, or long, 3-4 days maximum. they thankfully don’t turn into ear infections or require antibiotics.  they’re just garden variety head colds.

But having a cold is NOT good news for me, because i’ve had 2 before, since getting sober, and i know that both previous times i got a gigantic case of the ‘fuck its’ and decided to drink again. i set a date 7 days into the future and said “i’m drinking then.”  and then the cold goes away, and the date comes and goes, and i remain sober.  thankfully.

But there’s something about being sick that gives me a feeling of despair and woe-is-me.  i usually still run if it’s only a head cold (versus a chest cold). and running always makes me feel better.  I usually still work, jobs #1 and #2 and my passion job #3 thingy.  having a cold doesn’t keep me from getting things done, but the internal dialogue, the noise in my head … man, it ramps up into a frenzy.

During my 24 hour mini-vacation on the weekend, i could feel the cold coming on.  and i had an mini-anxiety attack to go with my mini-vacation… “oh no a cold is coming, you know what that means, better get prepared, get some meals ready, get your sober supports in place, get the catering wine out of the fridge (done!).”

Today is day 2 of said cold.  and while last night i had a very teary, despairing moment about this blog (!) and about the AA ideas of ego (what do i know about that? i’ve never been to AA!), and fleeting despair about the sober challenge … well, let’s just say i got scared.  I tried to explain it to my husband but he’s a normal drinker so he just doesn’t get it, though he does try really, really hard.

I said “what if i start drinking again? this team 100 thing? it’ll be a disaster.” And husband is like “yes, but you won’t.”

Me: “But i feel sick, so maybe i’ll just start opening the wine and drinking.  i could do that right now.”

Husband: “and you won’t.”

And he’s right. i won’t.

i think i learned something concrete last night:  Being afraid of relapse is not the same thing as relapsing.  In fact, being afraid of relapsing is probably a good thing.  it means i’m aware, i’m conscious.  I start to circle the wagons sooner.  i’m afraid, and therefore i read blogs online, i get the house cleaned up, and i get my cold medications ready.  i empty the fridge of catering wine and i go to bed and sleep 11 hours (again, last night).

i also know, deep down, that i won’t drink. But i gotta tell you i really hate feeling like it’s a possibility — even if the feeling is temporary.  I have a good cry and and big sleep and it goes away.  thank god.

Today is day 290 for me.  That’s 6,960 hours of sobriety, give or take. i’ve had 2 colds already and i have survived. i will survive this one.  This is not the zombie ap0calypse. it’s not worth drinking over.

frankly, nothing is worth drinking over.

hooray, cold medicine is working well today, and after 11 hrs sleep i feel significantly better than i did last night.  and that’s good news.

And every day I wake up to a some delightful sober messages, like these ones, please keep emailing so i can keep sharing:

J: “You know, in all the years of trying to quit drinking, your advice of going to bed RIGHT NOW is the most effective I’ve ever heard – sounds silly but it absolutely works, so thanks!”

Julie: “Ok, Belle, I’m sorry, but I laughed at “evil pig fucker”!  You (we) made it through … fuck you wolfie.”

MG: “I can’t describe this feeling.  It’s just an uber calm and peaceful sense.  Like I can’t believe how many years I was an anxious dreary mess.  And how excited i am to be moving on with this new me.  Again, the church message (hard to explain unless you were there) was kinda alluding to that “one thing” that you know needs fixing.  And I have heard that message time and again and WANTED to do something.  And finally I feel like I am.”

Terri: “… The question of whether I will stay stopped or not is still rattling round in my head … I joined [the challenge] because my original goal of 90 days was looming and I couldn’t figure out what to do next … I still get pangs sometimes, but compared to the beginning when it was a white-knuckle ride, I can brush them away much more easily.  At the moment because the answer to this eternal question is not definitive, I am not drinking.  I don’t want to throw away what I’ve achieved unless I am absolutely certain I can either manage it or jump back on the wagon without falling off a million times.  I read a great quote the other day – alcoholism is just death on an instalment plan. That is powerful and really stopped me in my tracks.  So in answer to the question what is better now than it was in the beginning – not having to work so hard to surf those urges is probably the best, waking up clear, sleeping more soundly and feeling better about myself for finally keeping a promise I made to me.”

Team 100 update:  We now have 36 people on this sober vacation, welcome to newest members: Lauren (23), Brandy (7), Sunny Sue (42), and Cindy (who is on day 2). I’d like to hear again from SoberinMtl, Vivien, TMcA, and Leigh.

you being sober is enough (or, Take the support already)

ok. so we’re doing this 100 day challenge thing, right? There are 35 people signed up now which is pretty awesome. I am on day 289, Amy is 130, MG is 9, Heidi is 35, and Sunflower is 24.

I got an email from K, but she’s not the alone in saying something like this: “it feels really strange to email you and not be giving anything back to you in the way of support! you are like a cheerleader to me and i so love getting encouragement from you!”

A few people have said that they’ve stopped sending their daily emails because they were worried they were ‘bothering’ me … 🙂

And I’m thinking, “WHAT?” It’s hardly a bother bother to hear that you’re sober. It lights up my day. Every morning I get up to an email inbox with 5 or 10 or 20 sober messages. It’s tearfully wonderful to hear from you, every day, as often as you want to write. Even when you’re having a bad day.

In fact, i think of this team 100 challenge as my own personal sobriety insurance.  Like, what are my chances of willfully relapsing now? zero. i’m not kidding.  it’s really a big zero. that’s a big gift for me. Money can’t buy that kind of insurance…

Did i know that being your sober penpal would be such a big deal for you? No idea.  None. I still barely understand it. I’m super glad, of course, but i’m perhaps as surprised as you are 🙂

You saying thank you is enough.

You being sober is enough.

With permission, here are quotes from three of my sober penpals:

Lawyer Anne: “I feel like my perspective is different this time. Usually I would feel like I was missing out on something and feel jealous when my husband has a few beers in the evening. This time I realize I’m not jealous of him… There is nothing to be jealous about because alcohol does me no good. I am not missing out on anything, but making a good choice for me. … As each day passes I am feeling energized and relieved by my decision to finally just stop. Not take a break or a month off to see how I feel. But to shift focus back to living my life. It sort of takes the stress off a little to make that final decision. I’ve not felt this before and I’m hoping it means this time around is different. I know I have the power to make it different.”

Lawyer Anne is on Day 7.

Carrie: “Something is different this time. I don’t feel like I am harboring some dark, dirty little secret anymore. I don’t feel like I am unique. Because i told you,  that I can’t drink normally and I reached out for help and I’m getting that help from you and Team 100 and everyone who blogs bravely about this fucking shameful secret.  I found someone who understands and now I don’t feel alone. It’s a little about accountability, but it’s a lot about finding empathy and support and advice that I can draw from when I am faced with difficult situations. I have real people who share my problem and we are all rooting for each other now. That’s what’s different and it makes it a ten times easier than before. Taking the problem out of my head and putting it into an email was all it took to change my journey.”

Carrie is on Day 36.

Brandy: “Alcoholism runs deep in my family … my drinking got worse since my dad passed away in December 2009.  I recently went to treatment, and have relapsed 4 times since January 2013.  I  literally just have a little over 24 hours sober time [at the time of writing this email].  I would like to participate in the 100 day challenge and am ready to finally have My life without Drinking. I am soo happy I found your blog!  I will pass it on to other people I know who are struggling.”

Brandy is now on Day 6.  She emailed three times yesterday, sounding better and better as the day went on.

Do you see what I see?  Can you imagine how fabulous it is to get to know you?

OK, enough cheerleading, now it’s time for me to rant a bit.  Take the support! Are you really looking at this and saying “not sure i want to email her it might be bothering her.”  Take the support already [you knew i couldn’t end this without a metric ton of swearing.  here’s more…] you’ve got to be fucking kidding me, of course i want to hear from you. you’re super amazing.  yes, you’re an introvert, or yes you’re not blogging.  any possibility that i like hearing from you cuz i like you? Really? no chance? of course I like you.  You’re honestly telling a story of you.  What’s not to like? Do you think you’re “not worthy, and who’d want to get to know you?” Enough already 🙂  There’s is at least one weird (sober) chick here who gives a shit, who cares if you’re sober or not.  But in fact, there’s a whole bunch of us here in Team 100. We’re all cheering for you. and waiting to hear from you. and to hear about you. and learn from you. and share with you.

tired = mini-vacation

i’ve been tired for about 10 days.  and thankfully, finally, finally I had a nice long sleep last night.  Now i’m heading off for a 24-hour mini vacation … once a month (or so), i go to a hotel, sans husband, and i just flake out. I watch bad tv, read, walk around some new place, eat in a restaurant while reading the paper. I like preparing my ipod with podcasts to listen to on the tram.  I like being completely anonymous and alone on the train. I like to sleep 10 hrs and then get up on Sunday morning.  I like running in a new place. I love finding a cool bakery on my run, and then returning later to eat pastry.  I like to find the sunday market — cuz every town has one — and i usually buy some bulk tea or weird spice or try to find a perfect apple or i take pictures of the butcher’s pig heads (depends on which town i’m in!).  I like to come home 24 hrs later feeling like i’ve been stripped clean, inside and out.  To match my divine shiny happiness, husband has usually — in my absence — done all the laundry, cleaned the house, and eaten all the leftovers. also, he’s thoroughly bored by the time i come home, so he has this big smile like he’s missed me!  and to ensure a real break, there’s no phone and no computer (so i’ll be offline for a day or so).  happy weekend 🙂

got grief?

There’s grief in the air.  Two emails in two days from two different people talking about grief.  The first bit I want to share is a comment I wrote to Anonymous.  It is in response to a comment she posted on yesterday’s post, and i figured i’d copy part of my text here, cuz comments have a way of disappearing.

So first here’s me, this is part of what I wrote to Anonymous (who is 8ish months sober):

I think grief is a big stress, and it’s subtle. Like, there’s lots of crying to start, and then there’s none, and then later there’s ‘crying for no reason’. I once read that colds were uncried tears. and while I don’t believe that, every time I’m crying I think “at least I’m not getting sick.” and really, I’m a crier, barely need an excuse! I think that crying is fine. normal. good even. and wanting to drink to hide from crying or to hide from feelings is … well, it’s normal, because it’s what we USED to do. and some of those habits and patterns are still there. Maybe they’re hidden better after 8 months, but if you throw in a bit of grief or real distress, then the old patterns can easily surface.

And also, i got this email from J a couple of days ago, and she said i could share. Oh yeah, J is on day 147 today!:

Had a difficult day yesterday and wanted to drink all afternoon.  I’m again adding to our list of “even ifs….”: [I will not drink even if i am] dealing with finding an elderly neighbor who died two days ago, alone in his house.  So sad, brought up feelings of loss, grief, loneliness, finality, fragility of life … I just wanted to drink after dealing with the surprisingly detailed process of sending him off.  But, I didn’t drink — I just sat here and felt it all, knowing the numbness of the bottle would only be temporary relief.  I also knew I didn’t want to report in this morning with another day 1 … so thanks for that.

I think that J’s solution, as she articulates it here, is really very perfect. And I’m going to save her advice for when I need it next.  Sit and feel it. Know that numbness would only be temporary, and would in all likelihood make things much much worse. Feelings are sometimes uncomfortable, they’re sad, they’re weird, they’re distressing. Sit and feel it.

and i would also add… reach out for help. get support BEFORE you need it.  don’t wait till you’ve go the bottle of wine already opened… post or read or call or reach out early. feeling crummy? reach out. found out your neighbor died (good god!), email someone. don’t let wolfie get wound up and running around in there.  Don’t let him get any momentum going!
what do you think about grief and how to handle feelings of loss? i’m a big crier… and a runner.  can’t really do them at the same time, though… and i’m a sleeper.
what else could we add to the grief toolkit?

there is no right way

Recently MysteryGirl hit a bump in the road. She was just about to reach 30 days of sobriety, and then she emailed me and asked that I restart her counter to day #1 for the 100 day challenge.  I asked:  “for everyone who is thinking of relapsing, and is trying to avoid it … can you say a few words? Did you know right when you drank that you were going to enjoy it, or was it a ‘fuck-it’ moment, or was there any thinking.”

And — with her permission — here’s what she wrote to me:

My recent decision to drink on my 28th day of freedom from alcohol was completely a FUCK IT moment. I simply had a few glasses of wine to “take the edge off.”  Not in any way, shape or form did I feel better or relieved. The only relief I can think of is that once I had my slip, it was over.  I was relieved that I did not continue to slip the next day/night/week.  I simply put my big girl panties on, went to my regular Monday morning meeting and got back with the program …

Not once did I even CONSIDER calling one of my AA buddies.  This is probably the most frustrating part of all this.  I had been so proud of my upcoming 30 days … and I know for a fact that if I had not been able to reach the first person I called, I could have moved on to another.  I KNOW for a fact that someone could have talked me through the whole process… from pouring the initial glass to what the consequences might be.

That will be my number one change for the next time that I struggle.  They don’t have to be AA buddies – they just need to be people who understand you because if you are not someone who has struggles with alcohol, they will NOT get it and they NEVER will.

Why didn’t I think of the puppies and kittens as I went to buy that wine?  Why didn’t I reach out to someone to talk about things?  WHY did I let my brother’s drama turn into a reason to escape?  Still some unanswered questions, and all I can do is dust myself off and start again.

[underlined bits are my emphasis added]

I think sometimes people relapse ‘without’ thinking. It can be a weird, compulsive, spur of the moment thing. Like “ooops, i tripped, fell and drank.”

And other times i know that we plan to relapse. we think “i don’t like this feeling, i’m sure my problem isn’t so bad, i’m sure i can handle a drink or two or nineteen.”

I was curious if MG had either of these thoughts, or something different. I personally have ‘planned’ to drink, but have always managed to postpone actually doing it and later I felt better and the urge passed.  I personally have NOT had the compulsive “fuck it” thoughts and then found myself drinking.

But look. That doesn’t mean anything. It could happen to me tomorrow (god i hope not!). i’m not special. i’m not doing sobriety better than other people.  i am perhaps temporarily lucky. and i thought that if MG wrote out what happened to her, then it would make more sense to me (and to her, and to anyone else reading).

This reminds me of Al’s post about ‘ugly sobriety’.  In case there is any misunderstanding, my sobriety might look ‘pretty and rosy and divine and twinkling’. But it isn’t. Your sobriety might look heinous and difficult and shitty and not worth it.  But it isn’t.

We’re all doing the same thing. Trying to get and stay sober. And we’re doing the same thing in our own way.

My way is to put a positive spin on just about anything. Yes, i do that.  Yes, it’s irritating sometimes. And yes, just like everybody else, sometimes i go to bed and cry about how dramatically shitty my entire life is.

Mostly i’m optimistic. About life and about my sobriety. And I’m optimistic about yours, too.

There is no right way. Your way might be cheer-leader-y like me. You might blog or not. You might email me with your real name or not. You may want to date guys who drink, or not. You might be like MG, where you stop and start a bit, while you figure out how to get your sober car on the road. It doesn’t matter. There is no right way. There is only your way.

And frankly, drunks tend to isolate. That’s just what we do. Maybe in reading other people’s blogs you’ll find someone who ‘does it like you do it’.  I hope so. Cuz you deserve to be sober. And, to misquote Paul (MIAB), “the more sober cats, the better!”

4 chocolate chip cookies in your honor

Thanks again to Amy (day 125) for linking to Roger Ebert’s blog post about alcoholism.  I spent the weekend (no, really) reading the one billion comments on his post. Here’s one comment that I loved. I don’t know this chick, but I wish I did:

Molly: Alcoholism is a behavior, it’s a reaction. It has nothing to do with the amount you drink. Rather it’s the decisions your body and brain make when you have been drinking. You do things you would never do when sober. You drive drunk, you get emotional, you pick fights with strangers. You sleep around, you become belligerent, you skip work. Sometimes it happens after one drink. Sometimes after many.

For those hung up on the “higher power” aspect [of AA], I encourage you to count your blessings. Life may not have always been good or fair to you, but you have not actually reached rock bottom. For when you do, you will gladly and easily give yourself up to a higher power. You will look at a radiator, a door knob, the person next to you, and you will know and cherish how truly lucky you are to be standing there, in that spot. You will trust anyone and everything that might even, in the slightest, help you make it through the next hour, the next day, the next week. Similar to hugging the toilet and saying over and over again, “Just get me through this. I swear I will never do this again. I will never touch the stuff ever again.” That is how you cling to your fellow AA members. You ask them, you beg of them, to help you, to forgive you, to show you the way. And they do, and they do over and over again, and likewise you do, and you do over and over again. And you are easy on each other, and you are hard on each other, and you lean on each other and you prop each other up. You are their higher power and they are yours.

And you believe it because you have witnessed it. Because that is the only way to explain your standing there, your being there. They are pinching you to remind you that you are still there, that you are still you, that you are still worthwhile.

[underlined bits are my emphasis added]

i know that the online world is not the same as AA (i’ve said it before, and i’m going to keep saying it).  BUT. i’m super beyond thankful every day to be in the company of such amazing sober friends. You prop me up. I can lean on you. i can ask questions and get answers.  Thanks you 🙂 I’ve just eaten four chocolate chip cookies in your honor. They were warm, right out of the oven. There’s a bowl of dough in the fridge. I can make some for you too if you need a pick-me-up.

Team 100 update: We now have 32 members, welcome to our newest members: Lawyer Anne (2), WalkSober (4) and Mumscriber (3). Also, gigantic happiness and parades to Heidi (30). And Terri hits 100!

there’s no numbness in one glass of wine

My good god i have so much to share. so many fan-tabulous emails, comments, insights. Let’s start here.

In explaining why she wants to be sober now, KC (day 22 today) wrote to me that she’d been sober for a long time (5 years?) and then …

… This cool guy was asking me out for beers after work, and I did the club soda thing for a long time.  Then I figured that clearly I had no problem anymore, and it snowballed pretty quickly to where I would’ve been if I’d never stopped. It’s always been about the anaesthesia, the wrapping up in cotton wool. Pitiful little urchin looking for a liquid hug, someone to say it’s all going to be fine. Yeah yeah, got it.  So now it needs to be about facing life head-on, no more insulating away.

What I would do differently this time: remember I CANNOT DRINK.  I’m not afraid of it, like some AA messages seem to want me to be. I will not cower down in fear before it. I just can’t do it, it does not work at all, same as how I can’t eat this food I’m allergic to.  My only focus during drinking has ever been to get numb, so I will never be able to moderate. Drinking is for other people.  I’ve already drunk enough for 4-5 lifetimes anyway – already put waaaay too many miles on that chevy.

[underlined bits are my emphasis]

KC said i could share this because it’s so damn lovely. i’d never heard the expression ‘liquid hug’ before, but it’s perfect, isn’t it.  really really perfect.

also the idea that if you want to get numb, then moderation is never going to do the job.  there’s no numbness in one glass of wine, there’s only irritation that we can’t have more.

i love this.  I know that i need to learn this lesson over and over again.  and so i’m glad to be writing this today.  I see it now.  I see it more clearly now.  Thanks KC.  Moderation is never going to do the job.

Team 100 update: Lilly (Day 31), Carrie (30), VP (28),  Ellen /Whineless is traveling and she’s on day 12. Welcome to Erica and Kate, our two newest members. We are 29 members today. If you’d like to join the 100 day challenge, read more here … even if you already have a bunch of sober days, you can commit to doing 100 more.

Learn From.

thanks to Amy, I literally spent 2 full days this weekend reading every single comment on Roger Ebert’s really amazing post about alcoholism and AA. I made a list of the most outstandingly thoughtful quotes and bits.

Here’s one.

Ebert: My own best efforts always ended in drinking. I needed to learn from those who had my problems, or sometimes much worse, and were staying sober. For me, the meetings accomplished for me what I could not do on my own.

I like the phrase “my best efforts” … i think what he’s saying is that on his own, using his own way of thinking, in his best attempts to find a solution, he still ended up drinking.  So he had to learn to listen to other people who had figured out how to stay sober.

This made me think of my feelings of NOT being terminally unique. And about mentors. As a person who is NOT going to AA, i’m super wowie excited glad happy amazed elated thankful grateful for the sobersphere. Newbies asking intelligent and scared questions. And people with LOTS more experience than me pointing out tree roots that i’ll need to step over, and warning about weird faulty logic that MAY spiral out into weird faulty actions.

I know this online thing isn’t the same as AA. and i know that not everyone’s problems can be solved by blogging and reaching out and asking for help and taking advice and learning to resist urges and trusting other people.  I get it.  I’m lucky. AND I’ve worked to get to where I am now, and i’m freaking proud of it … “I needed to learn from those who had my problems…”  Learn from.  Not just listen to and then ignore.  I had to Learn From. I had to let someone else’s learning inform me. I had to learn from.

i think that’s why lots of people don’t go to AA, and don’t reach out for help, and lurk, and keep drinking. They think they’ve got it figured out already. they don’t want to learn anything new … That’s not you, though. You’re here, you’re reading this, you’re online, you’re reaching out, you’re learning.

i’ve got to say it. this will involve swearing.

Team 100 update: Lilly (27), Mystery Girl (27), Amy (120), Jen (mommy) (23), Sunflower (14), and J (140). Welcome to new members: Victoria, Terri, DDG, and Grace. There are 26 of us now 🙂

~

i had a very very long day on wednesday and have not been able to catch up on my sleep. we Europeans also finally had our spring time change this past weekend, so anyway i’m lacking sleep big time. both yesterday and today I dragged ass — both days required 2 hour naps midday just to get through. I’m sleeping well at night, but waking much too early. Fuck you time change.  Fuck you being up at 6:30 am for catering on Wednesday. I’ve been having to go for my runs after 7 pm, which is completely unheard of for me.  i’m a first-thing-in-the-morning runner, like to have my goals met early in the day so the rest is a golden rainbow. not so much this week.

so i’m on my run tonight, it’s been a really long day, i’m running way later than i want to be (7:45 pm). i’m planning to stop at a store on the way home to buy stuff for dinner, cuz i don’t have any food left in the house…  and then i thought about a nice big bottle of red wine.

WHILE I WAS RUNNING.

so I said to my lovely wolfie, “you’re only thinking about booze because you’re tired.”

and wolfie said “don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Because I am waiting for you.”

like for reals. i literally heard the AA mantra in my head. and it was pretty menacing.

i came in from my run, announced to my husband that HE could fucking make dinner for a change.  I had a bath with candlelight.  i ate my dinner (meat, veg, starch).

i’ve got to say it. this will involve swearing. you can look away now if swearing bothers you.

wolfie, you’re an evil evil pig-fucker. you’re a gigantic anus. imagine. waiting around for poor girls to feel weak or tired or vulnerable.  shame on you. wolfie, honestly, i’m writing this message to the universe to let everyone know that i’m ON to you, motherfucker. you will NOT fuck with me.  I’m doing my best to work and run and sleep and handle my life, and you will leave me the fuck alone. I’m not kidding.  I’ll sick the sobersphere on you, wolfie. you’re no match for the team of friends I have on MY side, wolfie. I maybe have never stood up to you before like I am now, but i am not alone anymore wolfie. it’s not just you and me in a dark room without witnesses.  everybody is watching you now wolfie. you’re outnumbered. we know your shit. stay the fuck away from me. i’ve got friends with guns, wolfie.

and yes, i’m going straight to bed.

thinking about ‘never’ gets us stuck

K says: “so grateful to be a part of this challenge – it is helping me in so many ways.”

then I say “can you elaborate?” and she says …

Well, i have to say that i have about 100 reasons not to drink, but when i have a craving or someone asks me if i want to go out for beers … i often can’t think of a single one of my reasons to not drink. [it’s going to make me feel like absolute hell tomorrow? it’s expensive? i will look like a fool when one of my roommates wakes up to pee at four in the morning and i’m alone in the dark living room, hammered and still drinking like tomorrow is not a word in my vocabulary?] All of those reasons seem to disappear when I want to drink. Or i tell myself i will behave this time and will drink normally, and go to bed when everyone else does. (i never do.)

Being a part of the challenge has eliminated alcohol as an option for me, so when asked to go drinking in the last few weeks, my answer is an absolute, “no thank you.” It’s the first and only thing that comes to my mind.

also what i like about the challenge is that it is 100 days — not forever. in the past, i have gone from drinking my brains out, to saying i am going to stop forever. and then a really enticing opportunity to drink would arise and i would think, “well forever can start tomorrow, or after xyz event.” A hundred days is a very short time compared to forever, and for now it is a number that seems more significant than 30 and easier to swallow than, say, 365.

*

It’s funny that K wrote about “forever” because I had just written something along the same lines to Carrie.  And I wrote this for Carrie twice, cuz in the space of 24 hrs, she asked virtually the same question two separate times 🙂

I do believe that thinking about ‘never’ gets us stuck.  in early sobriety, everything is hard. so the BIG idea of ‘never’ is just too much to do right now.

the only plan I have is to not drink today.  and perhaps not drink tomorrow.  the rest of it, I’ll deal with it when it comes.  and the longer I’m sober, the more I realize that I’m likely to continue treating it the same way I have up to now. and that is a huge giant fucking relief.

is it never? I don’t even have to think about what never means.  I just have to do my thing.  and keep doing it.  rise, lather, repeat.  sure, I’m sure that ‘never’ gives a kind of comfort, but I’m just the kind of girl who hates rigid rules and might just rebel.  so I know me well enough, that if I’ve found something that’s working, I’m not changing it.  not even a tiny bit.  I’m just doing this.  again.  and again tomorrow 🙂

All of the muddled up thoughts (“is this forever?”) do stop.  It’s just wolfie rebelling, trying to find loopholes, ways out, ways to drink again.  and here’s the TRUTH:  you’re doing fine. even if you don’t believe me.  [this is why you’ve reached out for advice from others, because you truly can’t tell… that you’re ALREADY doing everything right.]

you’re not drinking.  that’s it. That’s all you have to do 🙂