a change of venue

from honestjoy: “I leave Monday for vacation. I hit 30 days while I’m there, but I’m having self doubt about my ability to not drink while 20 people around me are boozing it up from 9am to midnight. I know I have to change MY focus, but I’m worried I will say ‘f-it’ and drink.”

me: you can keep doing everything that you’re doing now. it’s just a change of venue. it’s not a change of you 🙂
you read sober stuff, you listen to audios, you email twice a day, you have a big sober treat every day and you say to yourself “this is my treat for being sober.” and you wake up every morning gloating that you’re not hung over. and you sleep better, walk more, rest more, read books, and generally marvel at your loveliness.

honestjoy: “My mantra will be, ‘it’s a change of venue, not a change of me.’ I love it!!! Thanks. My sober treat today was making two recipes that made my house smell awesome: chicken soup and plum cake. I also ate a few chocolate candies and did a spin class that made me sweaty and feel good. I had a LOT of sober treats, lol!”

~

shameless commercial link. in my october stock box from the jewelry designer there are a few more ‘potential’ bracelets in silver. i only order a few at a time. celebrate your potential. you have potential because you’re sober.

email from Marie Louise (day 114): “Dear Belle, I am still here, I am still sober, and I am also not needing chemotherapy!! This is really good news, needed that. I have (yet) another appointment at hospital today to get a plan for radiation therapy and also a course of heavy-duty anti-hormone pill treatment, since the kind of cancer I have is the hormone-fueled one.
So I think I have been very very lucky and I am trying to be grateful.
Trying, because mostly, i just feel exhausted and completely stressed out. Whirlwind of thoughts in my head, will I be able to work during the coming weeks, should I just throw in the towel and take sick leave, what to do. Don’t sleep well, am utterly unproductive (not good at that). Going for long walks, that’s nice, but I cannot turn off the buzz in my head. So struggling somewhat.
Wolfie is still on my back, even though I have told him to fuck off many many times. I think this shows the reality of my coping mechanism with booze.
Exhaustion, stress and worries, and not having control over my life equates reaching for a drink. Arghhhh. I have been good with the treats, though, bought lovely new winter outfit, and going for a massage later today.
I really enjoyed your mails … they resonated with me so much … but also getting to know you a little better and sensing your frustration with life and being human and imperfect. So Thank You for sharing that … Sending a big hug. I am so glad you are there and doing what you are doing 🌸. Marie Louise”

sober inspired art, thanks to mr.belle
this is painting #527. Stay here. you’re sober now. stay here.
www.artsober.com

link

from me: a weird and busy morning. i had a special order catering thing (smell those cinnamon buns?), and i went for a run, and then the house was cleaned, and then we got a text that the apartment we’ve been to see twice has a new rental application on it, and we have to act fast! (well, either that, or they’re tired of us visiting the apartment but not sending in our application). so now i’m running around photocopying passports, copying tax returns, and scanning a copy of our current lease. in france you have to ‘qualify’ to rent an apartment; they won’t let you rent something that is too high for your salary (which is so smart), but it means you have to PROVE yourself. but also in france, they will find it very hard to evict someone for not paying their rent, so they have to err on the side of caution (!) in who they rent to. in our case, we’re no smoking, no children, and working at home so hopefully this makes us good tenants. and we’re canadians 🙂 everyone loves canadians 🙂 Also, mr.belle has his french visa meeting tomorrow so i’m photocopying for that too, his tax return, proof of having a place to live, proof of health care, proof of filing taxes… and the house smells like cinnamon still! i’ve done my penpal emails, it’s nearly 5 pm and the rental agent guy just texted me again to ask other random things, so hopefully he’s beefing up my application (since i’m not french, i don’t have all the normal french stuff that they ask for). fingers crossed for the best possible outcome. it’s either this or the next best thing. but i’m only open for best things.  i hereby declare, universe, that if it’s not this apartment, then there’d better be something else that is lovely, with a view of the eiffel tower, and how about top floor so there’s no neighbour noise? love, belle xo !!!!!!! (i keep trying to figure out if i should delete this whole paragraph. o well.)

~

from my inbox:

from G (day 271): “Good Morning Belle. As I enjoy the solitude of an early fall morning, I am contemplating the destructive power of addiction. My step-brother (owns 2 bars) is dying in a hospital about 6 hrs from me, because his drinking voice was too powerful. He did not have a drink for a year and his voice said his liver was healed enough to have a few. What a crock. Tomorrow I will travel to say my goodbyes. What a waste! A kind, generous man with a young family. The doctor has given him 1-10 days to live. He will go home by ambulance on Monday to sit on his deck one last time. The choice is real… I choose a hard sober weekend compared to a damaging drinking one. It’s all fun and games until it is not.”

and then she emailed again 24 hrs later:

“He lost his battle at 3 a.m. No longer will his drinking voice win.”

[update: she’s on day 290 today]

sober art thanks to mr.belle
www.artsober.com
This is painting #528 here.
(stay here, stay sober, stay true to you)

link

from Lurker K:  

“Hello Belle, I have to admit that I’m definitely a lurker, mostly to try and convince myself that I’m not like everyone else. But deep down I know I am. I know my nightly alcohol is a problem. BUT it just tastes good! It’s not only the ‘forget my problems’ or ‘relax at the end of the day’ drink. It just TASTES good. Better than soda water & cranberry juice, iced tea or fruit water.”

me: alcohol tastes like a blackout, like waking up not feeling proud of yourself. you wouldn’t drink gasoline, no matter how much your brain lied to you and told you that it tasted good. you wouldn’t drink gasoline because “that shit is poison and no good comes from it.” wolfie can be such a bastard.

~

stay here. stay sober. stay true to you.
link > www.artsober.com

link

~

online support works for me because …

Freedom: “I love it because it’s available whenever I need it. I don’t have to get childcare arranged in order to use it as a resource. It makes me realise that there are many thousands of us doing this around the world and that I’m not alone (like Wolfie likes to tell me). And it feels safer sometimes.”

email from Indy:
“Hi Belle, I’m on Day 290 today. This is me adding a sober blanket.  As I look toward 1 year sober, I have a lot of trepidation. Different thoughts I have at various times: Absolutely no chance I’ll drink again. No desire to do so. / I miss the heady feeling of a few drinks. Maybe I can do special occasions? / Perhaps I can try the occasional drink and if I get uncomfortable with the amount I’m drinking, I’ll go back to sobriety. / What if I try the occasional drink and I go back to the hell I was wanting to get away from when I was over-drinking? / I should just continue to not drink. / But I did a year sober. If it drinking doesn’t go well, I can do it again. / But what if it’s harder to quit next time? What if I can’t get off the elevator? / But I really miss having a drink now and again. Is there seriously NO ONE who’s had success with moderation after a period of over-drinking? /

In my heart of hearts, in the pit of my stomach, in my gut, I KNOW which of those bullet points are Me and which of those bullet points are Wolfie. I want to be sober. But as I near a year, with that milestone passed, I’m afraid he’ll win in a weak moment. Really afraid.

I am reminding myself that: I can want an ‘Off Button’ all day long, but I didn’t come with one. I’m also a feminine gay white female who’d love to know what it’s like to be a big strong heterosexual black male. But that’s not in the cards either … (Hahahahaha!!)

Anyhow, I’m definitely having anxiety about the one year mark. I plan to reach out more and stack up the sober supports. Thanks, Belle – you’re the greatest. Love, Indy”

me: i’ll just say one thing now, briefly, while I am on my phone. And I’ll respond in more detail later. The short answer is this: you are not approaching one year sober. You are more than two months away. A lot of things change in two months. Think of the difference between day 1 and day 60. The time to think about what to do on your one year anniversary is five days before that date arrives. and thinking about it now is wolfie winding you up for no reason. 

Indy: “Thank you, Belle. Great point.”

[update: she’s on day 1076 today]

~
dear apartment rental people. our art is better than the art you have on the walls in the living room. love, us.

this is exit 481, a new montreal painting completed in this exact living room. striving to improve apartment art, one painting at a time. and you’ll get to choose the word that goes on it … www.artsober.com