Hopeful62 is worried that her relationship with her husband will change if she is longer-term sober. She emailed me about having defined roles in a relationship, and how being sober might changes things (presumably in a bad way).
So my reply? Well it includes a bit of: What if the changes are positive? What if we evolve into a better version of ourselves? Slightly less irritated, slightly less anxious. You may have better boundaries and speak up for yourself more. These aren’t bad things 🙂
And then I say this quote, but you'll have to listen to the audio to find out why... “I don’t give a shit for a millisecond what my husband thinks of croissants.”
Related Links:
- SP45 Here’s What I Need From You > www.gum.co/sp045
- Mini-Course: How to Quit Drinking When Your Husband Still Drinks > link
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Sober Podcast 412. Do Our Relationships Change When We're Sober?
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I am on day 5 . Yay.
I am feeling great! But…,,,…
My self chatter in my head!
I can’t stop the self chatter in my head. “I am glad I’m not drinking” “geez, how I am going to get through Easter lunch”
“Better make gallons of fuck of Wolfe lemonade” (delish by the way)
“Keep distracted”
“Nearly dinner time, ahh, usually I have a wine… “ it goes on and on all day in my head. Am I going mad or is it Wolfie?
I spend as much time as I can reading stuff on this post.., at night I go to bed with ear phones searching for Belles radio podcasts and listening to them until I fall asleep. It’s as though I am now addicted to this post and sober stuff where ever I can find information. It’s a pacifier for me.
Is this normal ? Maybe that is the purpose of Belle’s posts, maybe it my tool?? All of it, one big giant tool.
it’s pretty common to spend 1-2 hrs a day on sober stuff for the first 60 days or so 🙂 and audios have a way of going right into your head in a way that text doesn’t! hugs from me
I heard solid advice about boundaries, about how each person should be celebrated and supported–and that this is love, although you didn’t come out and say that. This sort of relationship does not expect the other to understand, necessarily, or join, but not hinder either, as each person changes over time. I think this advice can work for me–so long as I am thoughtful about establishing new ways to enjoy each other if I’m taking a big one away, and of tending those little things we’ve always had that are the sweet part of being married. This tending requires conscious effort as I become preoccupied with my own stuff. Otherwise two independent people changing in their own ways can change right out of the marriage.
Hiya Belle, I loved this – I can’t lie and say that I didn’t worry about this a bit. But after a few conversations and just by actually not drinking, rather than talking about not drinking my ‘normie’ partner was fine. It made no difference to him….. except I was kinder to him as he wasn’t to blame for everything once I’d had a drink and I didn’t go to bed angry all the time. 😊😊
what I got from this was how to look @ the relationship for what each brings!!! very pleasant . BUT I F….. up last night. Valentine’s dinner @ friends…. drank more than anyone else, got choked, had a screaming fit with my husband when we got home. the self-loathing and hang-over makes me so pissed. last August I went 60 days, then slowly down the tubes. then January 13-went 30 days – drank February 13. I dread the hard work again. but will do it. DAY 1 is not fun people. thanks for listening. Belle, I was religious about reading your first month sober days. looking forward to Month 2, but probably will start over.
Interesting audio. And you’re right – by day 375 you’ve done it. Being with a normie really must help. My issue is being married to an over drinker – functioning probably – drinks everyday. I decided to start again last Sunday – didn’t drink all week – cooking last night he presents me with a chilled bottle of fizz – I thought no and then thought why not? But as per I didn’t just have one glass and then proceeded to move on to another kind. So – day 1 again today – and the wine rack is full…
we met drinking and this is where my decision could very well make or break us…I managed 175 days end of last year.
Thank you Belle for sharing your very pertinent sights and, simply good to hear your voice again. I’ve been sober since 7th Jan 2019 but still wondering why I’m doing it. Your podcast reminded me why – I realised on 7th Jan 2019 that what I was doing wasn’t ‘normal ‘. I wasn’t a ‘normie’ – that’s new Belle – and I like it. It’s sounds good – both to BE a normie, if you can be, and also it sounds good to NOT be a normie. If I’m honest I’m proud of not being a normie. I quite often find myself explaining why I’m not drinking BECAUSE I don’t do things normally, like they do. And then I’m proud of myself for admitting it. That’s something new I’ve heard from you this morning. THANK YOU!! And the relationship stuff is good too!
yes for accountability. I just started reading your book, and am feeling inspired. this is day 1. I usually am in pretty good shape for about a week or two, and then all the mental noise kicks in, as do the cravings. And I feel righteous and maybe victim-ey, both, and it seems like it’s a grand time to drink. And then I feel awful- its soooo hard on my health, and begin again. This is my move today to do something different. thank you for being around, you are an inspiration for sobriety, my sobriety.