is this something i want for my life

november 30th

right when i’m in the middle of things, i think: what have i gotten myself into. and then when it’s over, i wonder what i could do differently next time. different. better.
like when catering, i think: this is long, and then when it’s over, i wonder if i could have done more in advance (different). could i have more help next time (different). could i (right now) make french omelettes for my husband for brunch to say thank you for doing all the fucking dishes, endlessly, for the last five days. (his reply was if you want to cook again …. meaning he’ll happily eat them, but only if i want to cook again, as if cooking is only something I do once a year, and i just did it, so i must be done with it :))
The DURING time of any project, any transformation, any ‘journey’ is often hard. we don’t have a lot of perspective.
we’re just doing. doing the next thing. just keeping going.
but if you notice that the doing is hard, and the work you’re doing feels endless, then you have to take some time to think about things.

is this something i want for my life. is this something i’m willing to do. do i want the better outcome. do i want the things, the feelings. do i want to feel proud of myself. Am i willing to try different, add in help, support, accountability, to get the thing that i want.

if things are feeling wacky, then you can add in more support, specialized people who know what you’re dealing with, who can calm you when you say: i want this, but i don’t want it … you know?
and they say
yes, i know. 



little Exit magnet paintings.they remind you that the ‘during’ might be hard, but it’s worth doing. and that once you exit the booze elevator, and you do that work, you stay out. exit. find the exit and take it.

these anti-wolfie fridge magnets are about 2.5″ square (6 cm) on card stock.

magnet 249 > link


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012