when you have cancer, wolfie can still yell at you.

email from Marie Louise (day 114): “Dear Belle, I am still here, I am still sober, and I am also not needing chemotherapy!! This is really good news, needed that. I have (yet) another appointment at hospital today to get a plan for radiation therapy and also a course of heavy-duty anti-hormone pill treatment, since the kind of cancer I have is the hormone-fueled one.
So I think I have been very very lucky and I am trying to be grateful.
Trying, because mostly, i just feel exhausted and completely stressed out. Whirlwind of thoughts in my head, will I be able to work during the coming weeks, should I just throw in the towel and take sick leave, what to do. Don’t sleep well, am utterly unproductive (not good at that). Going for long walks, that’s nice, but I cannot turn off the buzz in my head. So struggling somewhat.
Wolfie is still on my back, even though I have told him to fuck off many many times. I think this shows the reality of my coping mechanism with booze.
Exhaustion, stress and worries, and not having control over my life equates reaching for a drink. Arghhhh. I have been good with the treats, though, bought lovely new winter outfit, and going for a massage later today.
I really enjoyed your mails … they resonated with me so much … but also getting to know you a little better and sensing your frustration with life and being human and imperfect. So Thank You for sharing that … Sending a big hug. I am so glad you are there and doing what you are doing 🌸. Marie Louise”



sober inspired art, thanks to mr.belle
this is painting #527. Stay here. you’re sober now. stay here.



I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I want to respond to Mary Louise. You are amazing. Two years ago I witnessed my sister going through what you are going through, and she went through it sober as well (why add more toxins?), and i was amazed. At the time, i thought i would be drinking my head off if it were me. But today i understand the million reasons not to, the way that alcohol lies and tells us it is The Solution, when really it is just piling on another Problem with a capital P. Mary Louise, you are my hero, and i’ve written your name in the list of things to be thankful for today. Sending you healing thoughts.