email from Indy:
“Hi Belle, I’m on Day 290 today. This is me adding a sober blanket. As I look toward 1 year sober, I have a lot of trepidation. Different thoughts I have at various times: Absolutely no chance I’ll drink again. No desire to do so. / I miss the heady feeling of a few drinks. Maybe I can do special occasions? / Perhaps I can try the occasional drink and if I get uncomfortable with the amount I’m drinking, I’ll go back to sobriety. / What if I try the occasional drink and I go back to the hell I was wanting to get away from when I was over-drinking? / I should just continue to not drink. / But I did a year sober. If it drinking doesn’t go well, I can do it again. / But what if it’s harder to quit next time? What if I can’t get off the elevator? / But I really miss having a drink now and again. Is there seriously NO ONE who’s had success with moderation after a period of over-drinking? /
In my heart of hearts, in the pit of my stomach, in my gut, I KNOW which of those bullet points are Me and which of those bullet points are Wolfie. I want to be sober. But as I near a year, with that milestone passed, I’m afraid he’ll win in a weak moment. Really afraid.
I am reminding myself that: I can want an ‘Off Button’ all day long, but I didn’t come with one. I’m also a feminine gay white female who’d love to know what it’s like to be a big strong heterosexual black male. But that’s not in the cards either … (Hahahahaha!!)
Anyhow, I’m definitely having anxiety about the one year mark. I plan to reach out more and stack up the sober supports. Thanks, Belle – you’re the greatest. Love, Indy”
me: i’ll just say one thing now, briefly, while I am on my phone. And I’ll respond in more detail later. The short answer is this: you are not approaching one year sober. You are more than two months away. A lot of things change in two months. Think of the difference between day 1 and day 60. The time to think about what to do on your one year anniversary is five days before that date arrives. and thinking about it now is wolfie winding you up for no reason.
Indy: “Thank you, Belle. Great point.”
[update: she’s on day 1076 today]
dear apartment rental people. our art is better than the art you have on the walls in the living room. love, us.
this is exit 481, a new montreal painting completed in this exact living room. striving to improve apartment art, one painting at a time. and you’ll get to choose the word that goes on it … www.artsober.com