what if it’s harder to quit next time?

email from Indy:
“Hi Belle, I’m on Day 290 today. This is me adding a sober blanket.  As I look toward 1 year sober, I have a lot of trepidation. Different thoughts I have at various times: Absolutely no chance I’ll drink again. No desire to do so. / I miss the heady feeling of a few drinks. Maybe I can do special occasions? / Perhaps I can try the occasional drink and if I get uncomfortable with the amount I’m drinking, I’ll go back to sobriety. / What if I try the occasional drink and I go back to the hell I was wanting to get away from when I was over-drinking? / I should just continue to not drink. / But I did a year sober. If it drinking doesn’t go well, I can do it again. / But what if it’s harder to quit next time? What if I can’t get off the elevator? / But I really miss having a drink now and again. Is there seriously NO ONE who’s had success with moderation after a period of over-drinking? /

In my heart of hearts, in the pit of my stomach, in my gut, I KNOW which of those bullet points are Me and which of those bullet points are Wolfie. I want to be sober. But as I near a year, with that milestone passed, I’m afraid he’ll win in a weak moment. Really afraid.

I am reminding myself that: I can want an ‘Off Button’ all day long, but I didn’t come with one. I’m also a feminine gay white female who’d love to know what it’s like to be a big strong heterosexual black male. But that’s not in the cards either … (Hahahahaha!!)

Anyhow, I’m definitely having anxiety about the one year mark. I plan to reach out more and stack up the sober supports. Thanks, Belle – you’re the greatest. Love, Indy”

me: i’ll just say one thing now, briefly, while I am on my phone. And I’ll respond in more detail later. The short answer is this: you are not approaching one year sober. You are more than two months away. A lot of things change in two months. Think of the difference between day 1 and day 60. The time to think about what to do on your one year anniversary is five days before that date arrives. and thinking about it now is wolfie winding you up for no reason. 

Indy: “Thank you, Belle. Great point.”

[update: she’s on day 1076 today]

dear apartment rental people. our art is better than the art you have on the walls in the living room. love, us.

this is exit 481, a new montreal painting completed in this exact living room. striving to improve apartment art, one painting at a time. and you’ll get to choose the word that goes on it … www.artsober.com


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Interesting. In a relatively sober state, fear and anxiety are the main feelings of those years. It’s scary when you don’t remember what happened to you yesterday. Just once – and consciousness wakes up. You can find your body anywhere – in a friend’s apartment, in a hotel room, on bare ground outside the city or on a park bench. At the same time, you have only a distant idea of ​​how you got here, and you have no idea what you have done and what the consequences will be. You are just scary and dark. Why is it dark? Another morning or evening already? What day is today? Have your parents seen you? You start checking the phone, but there is no phone – apparently, I lost it again. Trying to put the puzzle together. Does not work.

  • I wanted to put out there that this is day 4 sober. I’m 50 years old and despite the surface view of having a wonderful life internally I have struggled and lived in darkness for years. Alcohol has wrapped me up like a mummy and encrypted me from all I love. Even when I’m in what I loves presence. I am so grateful I found your site and all the wonderful people who share their experiences for others to gain hope from. I am doing the 100 day challenge. Taking the advice of so many here that 30 days isn’t enough to gain true insight. Thank you,