that fun little person who disappeared

Coco: “I see getting sober like going back to my childhood, when things were fun without alcohol. Before I ‘needed’ alcohol to have fun or fit in or deal with problems. Doing things just because they were fun. Getting back in touch with the silly, frivolous, random, not necessarily productive joys in life that seem to get squashed as we grown up.
So here is a list of some of my favorite jams from when I was a kid, and how I’m pursuing them as an adult:

  • Tea parties –> going to scope out fun teahouses in my area.
  • Arts and crafts –> taking fun workshops like glass blowing and truffle making. Taking a full on painting class.
  • Being a morning person-waking up with the sun-no alarm clocks. Starting my day really early by choice not alarm clock.
  • Going to the pool –> kids are grown and flown but I joined anyway.
  • Playing with my dollhouse –> doing fun little projects around the house.
  • Playing endless games –> finding fun new games to play.
  • Cooking and baking with my mom/making mud pies in the yard –> trying out new recipes.
  • Playing with my siblings and friends –> reconnecting with FUN friends.
  • Playing dress up –> having fun wearing all my clothes and jewelry and not saving it for special occasions.
  • Playing outside –> going for walks, exercising, spending time outdoors.

Such a girlie girl I was. I’m trying to get back in touch with that fun little person who disappeared somewhere along the line. coco”



from me: when i say ‘we’ appreciate your support, i mean me and him. and probably even him more than me, even though you never hear from him. all the writing in these emails is me. all the audios are me. all the dishes and vacuuming and the going to the post office is him. all the art is him (except for my few hope paintings). the exit paintings are just like him, actually: mostly silent, continuous, permanent, loyal. the art, the decoration, the brightness. he was making these exit paintings, in secret, long before i found them. he was working out an ‘exit’ of his own to do with his career. trying hard to get out of a situation that didn’t suit. and when i saw ‘exit’ i knew what it meant for me. for me, it means “if booze is an elevator that only goes down, then you get off and you stay off.” exit. visual reminder.

this is exit #399, link here >




I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Being sober for 949 days has provided me a subtle but profound shift from not being able to drink to not wanting to drink. This mindset opens up the fun of being sober as you described in your post. I love being sober and as a adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse recovery from alcohol gave me the opportunity to give up my right to a different childhood. This was the shift in thinking I needed to begin enjoying sober life for the first time since I was a kid. Blogs like yours even gave me the courage to start my own blog. Thank you so much!!