“why does she have to say f*ck all the time?”

this was my inbox on Monday:

A Free Willow (day 57): “I’m here. I’m alone for a few minutes. I clearly saw myself last year, crying on the balcony, listening to your podcast for the first time and thinking, ‘why does she have to say fuck all the time?’ I didn’t really like you. 
But now, you have a very special place in my heart.
My wine night 50 some odd days ago bummed me out. But I was okay telling you to restart me. Because it was here is where I was able to come to grips with my problem and take steps to change it, last year.
I will be sober my entire trip and every subsequent trip to my sweet little haven on the island.”


R: “Hmmm well, I think I may be missing something somewhere. I just don’t ‘get’ the art … lots of different stripes that my 2 year old could do… and people are buying them to be close the to the positivity you possess. I much prefer your bracelet … Hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one’s life or the world at large. As a verb, its definitions include: ‘expect with confidence’ and ‘to cherish a desire with anticipation’.
I’d love to see strong and determined – Determined/Strong: ‘intent on, bent on, set on, dead set on, insistent on, fixed on, resolved on/to, firm about, committed to, hell-bent on; More single-minded about, obsessive about, obsessed with, fanatical about, fixated on…”

me: well it turns out that hope is in short supply.
unfortunately being ‘determined’ isn’t enough to be sober. we have to be willing to take advice, be open to trying new things. not just ‘i’m determined that this is my last day 1’ but an opening of your head to a place where you can feel like ‘i’m open to trying new things, even if my head disagrees, because me doing it on my own has gotten me to here.’ hugs xo


SpecialC: “For about 20 years (seriously) I tried to fix the the ‘underlying problem’ [with my overdrinking]. I paid for all these online confidential courses, counselors, prescriptions, and kept using the ‘it’s ok if you slip up, you just keep trying and learning’ to my (DIS) advantage. (You can insert the DIS depending on whether you are listening to  drunken Wolfie or your intelligent self). The only thing that finally worked for me was knowing that somebody was out there and I was going to tell you I was sober every day, and that it was going to suck but I was going to be okay, and you understood that, and cared because you had done it. That was the only way to prove to myself and the stupid drunk asshole Wolfie that drinking IS the problem and the cause of most troubles: anxiety, fear, lack of self respect, loss of memory (ok I still have memory issues due to age and overbooking myself but it’s better!), inability to communicate with loved ones … (And even though my memory is not as good due to AGE, it’s still better than when I was drinking. I remember where my key are, where I spent my money, etc. I know that I will remember turning 52 on Tuesday and celebrating 111 days sober!!!!!!”


D: “So I became homeless on Saturday and it’s all down to alcohol. Been to various services in the last two days and I now have a tent to stay in. Things are bad but your emails help more than you know. I’m still breathing. Things aren’t too bad yet.”

me: oh god, I’m sorry. this is so hard. I have lots of free resources  and things on my site, can I send you a list of those? hugs from me

D: “Please do, salvation army gave me a tent but they didn’t give me poles with it so I’ll have to use it as a blanket :)”

me: oh shitty! you might have to rig something up 🙁 I’ll copy in the list of resources here …

D: “Thanks Belle!!! I’m ex-army so have made something quite easily 🙂 Not ideal but I’m still alive and I’m kicking, I’m not giving up and I’m going to get into [treatment] somehow!”



email from CAC (day 52): “Got my Hope painting today, wow it is amazing much better than I expected, I thought it would be nice but it has blown me away, the colours are fab and go so well in my “blue room”, I am going to have it framed but I don’t think I will put any glass in it. Many thanks for it, it is ace xxx.”

belle. selling hope since 2012.
this is Hope #23. link.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012