email from Amylee on the day before she quit drinking: “What if my Wolfie is the real me? What if wolfie isn’t one aspect of me I can control but rather the central control point? How can something as basic as wolfie so consistently and easily override all of the facts and insights and intentions I know to be true until evening rolls around?? Is wolfie the real me??”
me: not true. not true that wolfie is you. you remove the booze and the voice stops. when you’re on day 60 you can ask this question again. for now, it’s actually wolfie speaking, saying the same things he says to everyone: “I’m different, I’m broken, I can’t do this, I’m a special fucked up human …”
you’re not. remove the booze and this all stops …
the thinking is IN the alcohol.
[update: she’s on day 141 today]
this is exit painting #384. there’s an exit 384 on the highway in florida, heading to gainesville. yes, really. gains-ville. what do you gain by taking exit 384? you get to go to gainesville. you can’t make this shit up. maybe i’m the only one who finds this amusing 🙂
this is exit painting #384 on the site, here.
painted by mr.belle, acrylic and ink on archival paper, 11.75″ x 16.75″; original art (not a print), only 1 available, signed and numbered on back. link.
That comment from Amylee struck a chord….I still sometimes think the “wolfie voice “ is me….well at the time when it’s loud I do.
Then when I’m in a better more clearer place , I can see the difference. The “real me” or the part of me that is well and sane is nothing like that voice .
I sometimes wonder if my confusion is because
; when the voice is loud and saying “ you’re a loser, worthless, useless, weak , a nobody etc” ; I kind of believe it. So it’s like I integrate it into myself. It’s only when someone else points it out and tells me that I’m not like that: that I can see it’s not me, that it’s not true.
I still get confused though!
And because I have multiple addiction issues …which wolfie is which …or do I just have one huge great one trying to gobble me up like in the story of the “billy goats gruff” 🙂
It’s so true that “alone in my head” I don’t get very far at all!