i have the choice to listen or not

email from Lars: “Yes, day 17! I realized today that it’s my special lady time, so no wonder I’ve felt weird for a couple days! It’s funny how oblivious I can be at times. I had some real pangs yesterday, but I went for a walk, made dinner, and played cards with my beau and through all those steps I lost those pangs to drink. I keep making deals with myself, ‘after 100 days you can, but until then you are not drinking.’ I want to complete your challenge, and if I decide drinking is what I want after that, then fine, I can reassess then.

I feel a bit directionless today, though there isn’t any logical reason to. I’m getting used to having these illogical thoughts come up, and I’m practicing dismissing them. Why do we tell ourselves all kinds of harmful lies? It isn’t helpful. I’m realizing I have the choice to listen to them or not. This whole dealing with real life thing feels a bit strange, but it’s really empowering. I have conversations with my guy, those tough and weighted conversations that used to always end in pointless arguments, and when I have my wits about me I don’t get upset over things that I used to. I’ve been such a burdened and burdensome person to live with for so long, it feels good to not have to worry about the small stuff (that would inevitably get blown out of proportion). I get to enjoy my life now, and I get to enrich others lives, too. Even on a low-energy day like today, I’ll take that reality over a hazy one any day! -Lars”

[update: she’s on day 721 today]

from me:
the story starts like this:
i says to him, i says: “can i paint on your painting?”
“cuz i think it’s too dark and it needs some hope and effervescence.”
he doesn’t know what effervescence means (i’m speaking in english, and i don’t know the french word). so i say, “tonic bubbles? hope? signs of life?”
Or maybe you see fireflies…
Anyway, this was our first ‘joint’ painting, which is to say i took it and painted on it and he didn’t kill me …
what must it be like to be married to me.
i’m certain that this will work, i tell him. i’m certain that the mixture of both our ideas will add more layers. there’s strength and hope in the same painting. he nods. he’s not sure. i am sure. i’m sure someone will buy it today, i say. which isn’t about the money, of course, it’s about me being right. which is more important … did i mention how much fun it must be to be married to me? your ideas welcomed. do you see snow, tonic bubbles, signs of life (deep sea diving), or little peeps of fireflies? so then painting #457 with the little fireflies / bubbles is purchased, and heading off to Minneapolis on Monday.
I say to mr.b, “see, i’m a genius.”
and he’s like, “not really…  you’re a genius in other ways, but not in this way.”
and i’m like, “yes i am. i’ll prove it. i’ll take one of the paintings that’s been on the site for 3 weeks and i’ll firefly-it-up. and then you’ll see.”
he made me a cup of decaf, patted me on the head, and said, “at least you’re having fun.”
(this is how we entertain ourselves on saturday afternoons. i made chocolate cake with homemade cherry sauce, he cleaned his studio. we had a nap. then i add signs of life to his paintings …)

BP: “Love it! I see pops of unexpected, just like being sober — those moments, new thoughts, new ways to live that just show up and you’re like wow, yes!!”

Sarita: “I LOVE it! I see little oxygen bubbles rising up — coming back to life!”

link > http://www.gum.co/exit-403

link > http://www.gum.co/exit-403


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012