that’s what addiction is. it’s a head that lies to us.

from my inbox:

bluesparkles (day 0):  “FUCK I hear you Belle. It just seems so damn boring and exhausting without the buzz of wine to keep the night going. I don’t know what to do instead. I mean, I do, and i’ve done it, but I’ve forgotten the past few weeks since i’ve been back at school and it’s ramped up the tension and need for release. I am so goddamn sick of thinking about it.
Belle, if I could tell you all the things that are running through my mind every day with school, the three kids, my job which is filled with children, colleagues, the new fire pit in our backyard so my hubby and i can enjoy a date night at home since we don’t have any damn help – well firepits don’t seem that fun with just coffee and creamer. I bought decaf coffee and creamer just for that reason, but it’s more fun with wine. and I hate that. Hate hate hate. I can do a trillion strong ass things, give birth, deal with marriage stuff, family serious health things, I don’t want to deal with one more damn thing – i.e. giving up something that relaxes me. does that make sense? I feel like your response is going to be unintentionally condescending because it’s just not that easy to find other sober supports and treats in the midst of life.”

me: I know that I will be unintentionally condescending when I say that you being sober is a big deal, for you, for the kids, and for feeling proud of yourself. if you’re missing out on a ‘buzz’ then yes, you can find it in other ways. you’re here [reading this, emailing] because on some level you know that you’re drinking more than you want to be. it’s not easy to find sober supports. but I’m here, and you can be emailing me 4 times a day. you could listen to the audios and set up calls with me. you have a voice in your head that tells you that alcohol makes things better. that’s what addiction is. it’s a head that lies to us. and on some level you know this. that’s why you’re emailing me. to ask me to say this. so I will 🙂 hugs


​you enter into a new space, a new phase of life.
you go into new territory.
you enter a new you 🙂




I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I had to respond to your post because I was you almost 3 years ago. The thought of giving up wine was scary to say the least. I tried everything to moderate only to wind up back in that terrible place. I was tired of being tired. It truthfully was not fun anymore. I am proof there is life without wine. It is not easy in the beginning but as time goes on you learn to become comfortable in your own skin. You can laugh, cry, be mad, lost, bored ect. You also learn to be present for your family instead of numb somewhere in the house. Life is not always easy but I learned to deal without the glass. It takes some time to get use to and you are not alone. Sober tools and Belle are a must!
    I sat outside on my patio on this lovely evening with my husband with a cup of herbal tea and it was delightful. I was present with my husband:).

    • Shazzie… your comment about “numbing” somewhere else in the house touched me…. that’s exactly what I used to do. And to hear that you’re “learning to be present” with your family… is encouraging. There are many many things I find challenging in sobriety; but the hardest thing for me is being with my family, especially in the evenings. I still find I hide upstairs a lot …. so I suppose your message gave me hope… maybe I can learn to be with them…. thank you for sharing