You will never change; I must change.

from my inbox:

W: “As soon as I started looking at quitting drinking like ending a toxic relationship, all of a sudden I was back in familiar territory (um, yay?) and had a whole arsenal of tools to use (yes, yay!).

  • Yes, there is good between us.  But it will always be outweighed by the bad.
  • Yes, we have history.  But what we have is no longer healthy, so I am choosing a different future.
  • Yes, for a long time I turned to you as my safety blanket.  But that “safety” kept me down, and kept me from growing. I need to grow more than I need that safety blanket.
  • Yes, you want to go back to the good old times when everything felt ok. But you are a one-trick pony, and I am not. You will never change; I must change.
  • Yes, you want us to keep trying. But I cannot live this life, or lie to myself, any more. I refuse to stay miserable just to keep you happy. So I am leaving.
  • Yes, you will call, and text, and write, and cry, and plead, and threaten, and sulk. And I may have compassion, as for a scared 2 year old, but I will still say nope, no, nuh-uh, not happening, buh-bye, go away, too bad.
  • You’ll be ok on your own, Wolfie.  You don’t need me any more.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  -Anais Nin

huglets, W
Day onehundredfreakinfortyseven!! 😀
(I never, never, never in my wildest dreams, when I was down in that tar pit, ever imagined I’d actually get here. I feel like a swamp leech that woke up one day as a hummingbird…kinda like WT holy F WOW how’d that happen?!!!)  (thank you 🙂 )”


NEW – Where are they now?

British Columbia
North Carolina
available at auction ($21)
New Jersey


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I really like the comparison between alcohol and the abusive partner ; because it seems to acknowledge the push/pull ambivalence syndrome…. because I suppose at the end of the day it’s like having a relationship with “something” and that something being alcohol is certainly toxic .
    I remember years ago when in treatment for an eating disorder; I had to write a “letter” to the ED saying why I was “breaking up” with it …. I remember at the time finding it a useful exercise as it got me thinking more deeply about why I tended to”go back to it” all the time despite me knowing it was doing me harm . I suppose that was one of the first insights I got into the complexity of addiction…(well the complexity of my own head at any rate !)