I fully recognize that I cannot go on like this

email from MDC (day 17): “Yup, things crashing down around me but the sober momentum has me in a good place and able to handle – that’s the good news. Bad news, Im having a real bad time with eating well i know, i guess i let it ride for 30 days and not worry about that. Big Holiday weekend coming up … I will stay busy!! Thanks Belle!”

me checking in 3 weeks later: just wondering how you’re doing.

MDC: “So nice to see your email today … I did not want to email while i was struggling. I’d be good for a week or more, then horrible..Now I feel beaten down. I fully recognize that I cannot go on like this, but I still do not know how to maintain a good solid period of time. I know i have to get some therapy, but this task alone is incredibly daunting. How am i going to find a perfect stranger, who is the right fit, who can help? How will i afford that? I know i can’t go on like this though. I can drink normally for some time and then comes the binge, the panic attack, racing heart and 3 of 7 nights a week of complete + utterly horrific insomnia. Why would i do something that i know causes that condition??? When i get to that point, then i get scared, like oooh maybe this is a very serious problem. I wish i could do this with your program. If i sign up for more, what would that look like? Am i too far gone because I’ve done this sooo many times??? Does that automatically qualify me for “lost cause” 🙁 well probably a lot of questions here that you cannot answer. But today im thinking that it is day 1. Thanks for reaching out Belle. Hugs!”

me: sweet pea, sober support isn’t something you earn by being sober. you don’t have to be on a certain day to email. perhaps sober support is something that helps you to BE sober. if you’re able to go for a week, that’s good, you can build on that. you add in some more supports and tools. what you’re doing now is good but it’s not quite enough. you can set up some calls with me until you get a counsellor you like. you can see your doctor about a short trial of medication. you can email 4 times a day for the first 2 weeks. you can get away from day 1 and feel better.
you’re not a lost cause if you restart, and add new things each time you restart. but you can’t just declare a day 1 and have that be enough. the noise in our head is too loud. you have to declare day 1 AND add new things/change what you’re doing.
so maybe if what you’ve been doing isn’t quite enough yet, then you can do more things. that might mean meetings. medication. calls. audios. reading. writing. treats. sleep. and a lot more accountability. if you had calls set up with me once a week for 6 weeks, that might help get you going … I know you don’t WANT to do any of this. but you want to be sober. so you do some new things now. and get away from day one. hugs

below this line you will find shameless commercial links which you should completely ignore 🙂

A: “Here’s the thing. my “stay here” bracelet  keeps me going. May 2nd will be one year. I know it’s not the bracelet itself, but the visual reminder, or visual cheerleader, is what helps.” [in gold] [in brass]

 there’s a nice 3-minute video here about global magnets.



I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • MDC you aren’t alone. I am right there with you. I feel like I’ve stopped and started over more times than I can count. I was feeling like a lost cause
    Angry that it took me till I was /am 37 to say enough is enough. Today is my day one again. For the last time. I will not be brainwashed by booze. It doesn’t make me feel better. It’s a lie. A dirty little…nope big liar. I’m not a lost cause. I refuse to be and you aren’t either. The world says drink it’s cool it will relax you make things happier. I call BS on that. It doesn’t relax me and after the buzz wears off I feel worse and for a much longer time than that damn buzz lasted. Hang in there. I’m holding on too. We can do this!

  • I thought I was too far gone – no amount of reading sober books, willpower or desire was enough to stay sober. I didn’t think connecting with Belle would work either. But the one thing that resonated from reading this site is “don’t try harder, try different”. I too, thought about all the things MDC was worried about (finding a counsellor that was a good fit, drinking and knowing that it caused my anxiety and insomnia but I couldn’t stop, etc). And for me, all those thoughts were just too huge to deal with. I finally just decided to start with day 1 and immerse myself in Belle’s audiobook and I focused on trying different. The further away I got from day one I started to feel better. Around day 30 I found a sober counsellor. Started sleeping through the night after 2-3 weeks sober. Start with day 1. Connecting with Belle has been the hugest part of “trying different” that has been keeping my sober momentum going (day 71 or so today).

  • Oh I reread that email from MDC several times ; and I almost want to reach through the screen and look in their eyes and say “you are so not a lost cause, don’t ever think that” and give a big hug…
    But I don’t think that’s very helpful. I also don’t know what I’d say that would be any help other than to share that I’d felt a lost cause as far as getting sober went; and I understand the feelings of helplessness and confusion ( of why we do this to ourselves) .
    So I don’t know why I’m even bothering to reply to this other than to testify it can be done ; even if it looks impossible; and there is a way through; and to never give up