what did i say? what do i have to delete?

email from trigirl: “I woke up promising never to drink again, Every Single Day for probably 10 years. I’d wake up between 3 and 4, toss and turn, then get up when my husband’s alarm went off at 5:30 and pretend that I felt ok as I tried to piece together the previous evening. What did I say? Did we finish watching that movie? Did I talk on the phone or text people? I’d better check to see if I need to delete anything from Facebook! Today is the day — I’m not drinking wine tonight, this is it!! If I had anything remaining in the second bottle, I’d dump it down the sink. My resolve would crumble as the day progressed. I would replace the bottles at about 3:00 pm and start the whole thing all over again. It’s absolutely horrible to be stuck in that place, and I don’t ever want to go back there!

I went to an Elton John concert the other night. It was my second sober concert after watching Coldplay last year. On the way to the venue, I told my husband there are times when I still wish I could drink like a “normal” person. But I didn’t miss it when we got to the concert and avoided the giant lines for ID checks to get the wristband required to stand in the other giant lines to purchase alcohol. I watched a couple in the seats in front of us come and go as they repeatedly made the bathroom/beer run and a woman dancing around with two drinks in her hand who could have easily been home in her living room listening to a CD. It was a bonus to wake up with a clear memory of an enjoyable evening, tired but not hungover!”

[she is penpal 1942 and she’s on day 541 today]


this is painting 336 here.
you are open to new possibilities. you’re open to changes. you’re out of the booze elevator in looking around for opportunities. this is you. it’s sunny here. open minded. open-hearted.

link here.



I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I used to drive myself NUTS by thinking every morning that there was no way I would drink that night….,.
    and I’d continue to feel bewildered by the fact I was craving a drink by 4pm. And nothing I did seemed to make any difference…,. that is surely madness. And 1 day felt sooooo long. Surely I deserved to drink after getting through a day of my life?
    I still can’t believe I’m not there anymore; said this to someone yesterday because only “other people” managed to get sober. Not me . Certainly not me.
    If I can do this then anyone can , really.

  • Hello, I have just discovered your blog and it has inspired me – I am going to try this (again!) It is the thinking about drinking that is driving me insane – that wastes my brain power most mornings, most evenings. I don’t drink hugely (indeed, almost exactly the amount you describe at the start of your blog) yet it is more than I want, its been that way for at least 8 years, I can’t stick to any of the rules I set for myself, I worry about it (yes, it is the worry that I’d love to get rid of – I do not want to think or worry about my drinking any more). So thank you already – let’s see how I go (Day 4 today). I have just bought your book and I am looking forward to the time benefits most of all – I never seem to have enough time and maybe this will free some up. I am going to attempt 30 days. I can’t yet contemplate giving up forever (is this really necessary? – can’t we just step back in time to when it wasn’t an issue?) I think I just need to prove to myself that I can take a break (I did not make it to 30 days in my 2 previous attempts) Right, time to sign off from Day 4 and get to bed with new book!

  • Hi trigirl, it felt like you were writing about me. Exactly. Ugh. A terrible loop that I never want to repeat again (day 12 today). Thank you for sharing, and I’m so inspired by you enjoying your concerts sober, and for identifying the time, money, and energy wasted by the lines for alcohol at concerts! Tired but not hungover is amazing:)