our gas gauge is faulty

from me:

as this month goes on, the goal will be to do less. i know, sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it. but because we have heads that are easily wound up, and because we need to avoid overwhelm as much as possible, we will be practising – yes you – practising saying ‘no thanks’, and ‘i’m sorry i can’t do that for you this time’, and ‘can i get your help with this?’
the whole idea of doing it all is crazy-making, and while the rest of the world does suffer from this, too, for us it’s even more particularly worrisome. cuz if we fuck up this sober momentum thing, it’ll gigantically royally suck rocks.
so we will err on the side of caution.
here’s part of an email exchange i had today with penpal Gem64 (and yes, she’s on day 744, and yes, that doesn’t mean she’s immune from this same thing):

 Gem64: ” … I’m tired though, I’m strong one day then overdo it & knackered the next then beat myself up because I don’t have the energy to get through what I hope to. Then my brain is scrambled & confused & I don’t go to bed early enough to get the sleep I need. Yes the old vicious circle.”

me: the cycle of push-push-fall-over is the work of being sober. it’s the thing we have to sort out, so that sobriety stays possible and feels like it’s ‘working’. Being sober, and even is what will allow you to do all the very (very) cool things of xx and yy that you have coming up. clarity and focus are required.
to do that, you need to put fuel in your tank, stop at rest stops, get tune ups, change the tires. you can’t just drive and wait to drive off the road. it’s not really an option for us 🙂 we have to err on the side of caution also because our gas gauge is faulty and we often don’t know we’re out of gas until it’s too late.
there. that’s my helpful (not) nagging for today. I’ll say it again, though. the push-push is the wolfie voice winding you up. you can watch for that. it can be its own problem 🙂 hugs

Gem64: “Thank you, that is really insightful, wise, interesting & helpful. I’ve been hoping the upcoming holiday over Christmas & NY would ‘even me out’, – that’s my major tune up & tyre change I’ve been running on all cylinders for, knowing it’s nearly there & hoping nothing major breaks before then. my only description so far as to ‘how I am’ has been a roller coaster, but this ‘push-push-fall-over’ is a better description than a roller coaster, I will think about this a lot now thank you:) Evenness, stability, yes bloody hell scary concepts to those of us with ‘faulty gauges’.”

today’s gift…
is a brand new december edition cooking magazine from france. and i can mail it anywhere. it is in french, though. but if you win, and you don’t read french, you can just look at the lovely pictures. and i’ve written a few notes in the margins for you with a few translations and hints! I’ll send a copy of the french cooking magazine to the 22nd person who adds a new comment to this post about being ‘ready to quit’ drinking. Because comments are held in moderation, you won’t know how many people have posted before you. Make sure the comment actually has something to do with the post! 🙂

step 1. exit the booze elevator | step 2. stay here, stay focussed, stay sober, stay true to you | step 3. I have potential because i’m sober.



I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012