if you wait to feel like it, you’ll wait a very long time

from me:

i need a lot more sleep than i realize. without an alarm, i can routinely sleep 9 hrs. last night it was 11 hrs. yesterday was a regular day, not particularly stressed, went to bed at 10 pm, awake for an hour at 4:30 am as the guy upstairs was making noise (someone has to tell him that having a futon directly on the floor sans frame means i hear every wooden floor creak when he rolls over; and when he’s engaged in other activities i hear all that too), and then i went back to sleep at 5:30 am and rolled over at 10 am.

i used to feel bad or defensive about my sleeping requirements. now i know that because i have a sensitive head, and the word often seems too loud or scratchy or emotional, then i have to give my head time to rest. it’s like i can be super productive, alert, focussed in the daytime, i have a long battery, but i have to recharge that battery at night, and that part is non-negotiable. because, for me anyway, any task that feels just a little bit irritating (billing i haven’t sent to a client since july) or any task that would require some kind of concentration, becomes something i put off until tomorrow. and apparently ‘tomorrow’ can last for months.

now if i was to add alcohol to that? outstanding things would take years. i’d still be waiting for the required energy.

imagine taking a sensitive head that needs a lot of rest and alone time, and pushing it really hard and THEN robbing it of sanity by pouring alcohol on it, and THEN give it only partial, fractured sleep, and THEN imagine that you’re hoping to wake up one day and FEEL LIKE IT. (feel like anything = feel like paying the bills, invoicing the client, or waiting to feel like quitting drinking.) right. exhausted, sensitive, shameful, guilty, tired and hungover = feels like i have the energy to take on a project like sobriety … it seems too hard. and then ‘tomorrow’ turns into years. literally.

so sometimes we have to have a pause and think: Do i want to go on like this? if i got enough sleep (quit drinking) wouldn’t everything else just seem EASIER? oh but i don’t have time to sleep (quit drinking). i’m too busy to take care of me. why do i always feel like a bag of shit? oh you mean if i quit drinking i’ll feel better? hmm…

from my inbox:

Rosylee (day 27): “Hi Belle, being away from home during this month it’s been hit and miss receiving emails, or I scan to see what’s jumping out at me. Only during quiet times when I’m alone for a couple of hours can I actually read, absorb, reflect and respond. Your emails during this month (and every other day) have been essential for me staying sober. I regularly scan my inbox looking for your name. Even if I can’t read it right then it gives me comfort knowing that I can read it later. Please keep them coming, there will never be too many emails as far as I’m concerned. I love that you include other people’s emails about the struggles they have and the success stories. It makes me feel part of something that’s bloody awesome! That I’m not by myself like some freak that’s sitting on the edge of real life. I know I’m only day 27 so I don’t want to get ahead of myself. But I can honestly say that I’m in a very good place right now and it’s because of the contact from you via emails, OMMs, Mr Belles paintings, the little contests etc. Sorry that was a bit long winded. Thanks as always, Rosylee”

links:

• check this out, i’ve been shared on the dharmaholic site > link
• try harder or try different (blog post from 2014) > link
• cities/countries have been added to some of the sold paintings to show where they go in the world (singapore, australia, vancouver). you are not alone > link