a star is born. not for me.

This message was sent to subscribers by email November 4th

 I saw the new movie ‘a star is born’ last night. alone in a theatre. husband out of town.
it wasn’t a good idea.
the movie depicts lots of alcohol consumed, in a not appealing way. that part was fine (for me). i mean, it didn’t make me want to drink.
what i didn’t expect, was that the watching of a co-dependent relationship that still has love at its basis, would trigger some kind of co-dependent chaos-seeking feeling in me.
i come out of a movie like that, with a leading man who looks (and sings!) like he does, and i want to be her.
and that is fucked up.
i’ve had plenty of co-dependent, dysfunctional relationships in my life. my married life of the last 13 years represents none of it. my current life is regular. not dysfunctional. not dramatic. not chaotic. predictable. feeling misunderstood, sure — but only for days at a time, not for years.
i didn’t want to drink after i saw that film. i wanted to be the one looked at by that man, even if he came with that kind of baggage.
and that’s it’s own kind of addiction. the one who would be drawn to chaos. who would, even for a moment, think that that would be ‘a good life’.
so i’m looking forward to mr. belle coming through the front door in the next hour and a half, to reset any ideas i may have of what ‘good relationship’ looks like.
i may not even listen to the music from the film again. what a shit show. 

anyone else seen this film and had a ‘more-than-expected’ sadness afterwards? send me a note. if you haven’t seen it, honestly, i’d be careful in recommending it, if you’re sensitive like me.

[any comments left will edited to remove spoilers]


if booze is an elevator that only goes down, then you can exit. original sober art by Mr. Belle.

sober art HERE. this is painting #252.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I haven’t seen it yet but I have seen all the other The Star is Born movies. The one with Judy Garland is the BEST. The one with Barbra Streisand is the worst. I am looking forward to seeing this one but probably won’t until it’s on Netflix. I don’t think I’ll be anymore triggered than any other movie that shows drinking. I’m more triggered by cocaine use anyway.

  • So I went to see this movie on election night so I wasn’t staring at the tv screen all night frustrated by outcomes that are well out of my control. In theatre, I had strong urges to try and reach into the movie and want to fix it because it made me so uncomfortable. But in the middle of the movie, my the my teenage daughter’s phone broke and so she started calling me from home wanting me to come fix it – I was so triggered by the movie and upset that she interrupted my evening out that I waited it out at the neighbors watching election results until I was calm enough to come home. Resiliency, self-care and support is how I choose navigate my sober life now. In hindsight, I wish I picked a comedy that night for the therapeutic benefits of laughter. Not sure I want to watch it again, but I am glad that people are having open conversations about addiction because of the movie. Bradley Cooper was the best actor for the part because he credits his recovery for his career success! Tia Maria (Day 1175)