it feels dangerous and scary

from me:

my husband was away on the weekend, and I did two things. (1) i went to see A Star is Born (my review here). and (2) i asked him to leave me some painting stuff out so that i could play, in his absence. i did one painting that night, then two the next night, but only when he was out and couldn’t see me.

i don’t think this will become a regular thing. i am not a painter. i’m not being falsely modest: i am a cake-baker. i am a caterer and a writer and a sober coach sometimes. i’ll own those nouns.

but also i’m a bossy know-it-all and i got tired of telling mr.belle what i wanted him to paint for me (“dark to light, sort of like sunshine and rain in the same painting”) and i decided to try it myself.

yes, it’s true that we met in art class, and the last 13 years i’ve painted exactly nothing. once we started dating, i slowly stopped, and by the time we were married, i’d stopped entirely.

i have no experience with this at all. EVER. i’ve never sold a painting before this week (and when i was making tee-hee noises in the kitchen, husband said, encouragingly: ‘yes, but that’s only because you never shared a painting before…’).

so monday night he went out, and i did two more, back to back, in the dark apartment, making a huge mess on the table that i would generally not tolerate from him. i wanted to get them done before he could see me.

then yesterday afternoon he headed in the rain to the art store to buy me my own paints, little baby tester tubes. i did two squares this morning with the ‘new colours’.

it feels like play, but also it feels dangerous and scary. all the wolfie voices start up (who am i to … he’s the real artist and i’m the … what if it sucks). And while my wolfie voice is loud while i’m doing the paintings, once they’re done i’m happy again. it’s like writing for me: during the process i’m super critical. once it’s done i’m happy to have done it …

today I completed my 4th and 5th hope paintings. i’m sharing this perhaps to practise being brave. or to show how the wolfie voice can be loud but not win. or maybe it’s to say something about what happens once the booze is removed. we step out into the light.

new painting posted here >

you know me…
selling hope since 2012 🙂

*ps. i’m sending out more ‘behind the scenes’ painting stuff, and notices when new paintings have been posted, to this list here. i won’t share much of my painting stuff here in the regular emails, so if you want to see/read more, put your name on the art notification list.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012