my ‘coping’ mechanism has been removed

This message was sent to subscribers by email while i was travelling, september 8th.


from me:

this morning we’re in New Haven CT. drove by the beaches yesterday (cold, grey, abandoned). kept hoping for a little fish and chip place to materialize but since i hadn’t researched it in advance, the empty beaches were just doing their regular thing which did NOT meet my expectations. did i check my expectations with reality? no. did i ask anyone in advance where the best fish and chips place was? no. instead, we left the beach, drove into town, i used free wifi to find “best sandwich near me” and we went to Atticus Cafe near Yale University and it was fabulous. really. and they had nice bread, and salted butter, and they turned off the air conditioning when i asked (did i mention cold and grey?). then we landed in a very, nice large hotel, king bed hooray! and mr.B went out last night to see a show without me, he met up with some other random french travellers, got home at 12:45 a.m. while i had been out eating sushi alone, watching 5 channels of friday night football (really?) and 5 channels of HBO variations (really?). so then i listened to a writing podcast and went to sleep. today, we’re bailing on this whole part of the trip and going somewhere else, close, that i’ve always wanted to visit. i won’t tell you where until it’s done. in case it we don’t make it for ‘reasons’ … so, this morning’s agenda so far was sleep late, run (hooray), now heading to shower, and then bfast, then on the road again, a quiet overcast saturday, fingers crossed for less traffic. i may eventually become one of those grannies who only travels on the interstate at 5 a.m. to avoid the nutty people…


my inbox, saturday morning:

Sweet pea (day 22): “No don’t go home. I am enjoying the “Travels and lessons with Belle”. Have a wonderful weekend. It is stunningly beautiful today, here in [my stat]. we are in our rainy season, but mornings are spectacular. The sunny, deep blue sky and puffy white clouds just make me feel so happy! Are you taking photos along the way?”


me to tine: are you able to remove the alcohol from your home so that it’s less of a temptation, and perhaps travel without cash or cards (just like $5 and your ID/driver’s license?) that can help too.

tine: “I don’t have wine in the house. I buy it on my way home from [sport[. I need my credit card for groceries, wedding gifts, smokes etc :)”


LVL (day 40): “The only thing that keeps me sober at this stage is the fear of relapse and the fact that I don’t want you to ‘reset’ my starting date. Or maybe there is more. Very anxious and need to start to find a way of removing this in a healthier manner! I just wanna say, ‘hey the sun shines and I feel good’, that’s why I didn’t want to email today. And then you emailed me, and I was like ‘screw this’ and then I replied. So Belle I am still sober, but going through a difficult emotional state and my ‘coping’ mechanism has been removed. But then you would say pouring alcohol on too would just make it worse. I know you are right but my head is not so clear on that in the moment.” [update, she’s on day 48 today]


Lena (day 54): “Turd-Gift. Dear universe, thanks for the gift of being sick. Thanks for the permission to lay on the couch do nothing but reading and waiting for the evening to lay in the bathtub do nothing but reading. Thanks for the gift of sobriety that comes with not laying on the couch not be capable to move anywhere and waiting for the afternoon to start drinking. I remember too well like how that was, when I was sick the last time. OK, to be honest, I remember … not. Dear wolfie, you might be wrong. Selfcare might help. And since nobody died from [my work] being fixed by someone else, I‘ll keep on doing that. Even (no, even more!) when you tell me it’s too hard. I’m sorry, I can’t deliver to your expectations; not anymore. I maybe never could. Dear Belle, I hope, you did not get lost on your trip, but if so, maybe here’s your personal turd-gift 😉 there might be some nice exercise of being flexible wrapped up with a pink bow. Have a wonderful rest of your vacation!”


original art – potential – this is painting #187


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012