I wish I could drink as much as I want and not suffer any consequences

some notes from my inbox:

pippa: “just want to say thank you for your emails. They make me feel like I’m in a posse of people who are doing this amazing thing. When I feel on the periphery of the world — cos it looks like everyone else is merrily drinking (even though I know logically this is not the case) — knowing that there are other women [and men] who have made the same excuses, wondered if they were making a mistake going AF (because, you know, I’m not THAT bad), and who go from feeling on top of the world about their decision to feeling shit and weird — makes the difference. Something has shifted for me fundamentally so I’m 10% conflicted but 90% happy and that part of me keeps getting bigger and more certain.  It used to be the other way round. I feel like I’m in a cool gang now.”

~

sobriety shingles: “I’m so glad mr b is enjoying doing this, I love them. Does he know how much the the little exit sign helps us? What it communicates to us? How evocative it is? I’d like to order more, I hope he doesn’t tire of this theme yet, I sure haven’t! Thank you, Belle, for everything.  Et merci monsieur b.”

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S: “Hi Bella, I don’t normally reply to your emails … the main reason I am a lurker is because I don’t yet fully believe I have an issue with alcohol (although maybe I do since I am here!). I’m more of a binge drinker 2-3 times a week rather than a every day drinker. Which I know is just as bad but I have been reading your emails and I feel that I am starting to see the light …  it’s now Thursday (here in New Zealand) and I have yet to drink again since last Saturday, not because I have stopped myself but because I just don’t want to! seriously this is such a new feeling for me and a lot to take on board especially since I am actively working to manage my anxiety and depression (meds and psychologist).”

~

DaniZ: “honestly, i just feel angry tonight. At the end of the lesson, you have the ‘take a moment and imagine day 140’. I can’t. I DO feel broken, although I liked the part about when you stop drinking, the craving goes away. I know that to be true, but right now, that experience was too long ago, and so the ‘knowing’ is an in my head knowing, not a head AND heart knowing. So yeah, I’m just fucking pissed off right now, and feeling sorry for myself. I have a million and one things to be happy about and grateful for, and I am just heavy in the pout mode. I seriously wish that I could drink as much as I want and not have to suffer any consequences. How fucking childish is that? I’m 48 for god’s sake! Sorry. Totally crappy email, and rather than put it in my journal, I am sending it to you. Which hardly seems like a nice choice, but I am hoping that being honest with my feelings might help.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Yep, I think we’ve all had that wish to be able to drink all the time, with no consequences! Like who the hell created hangovers, ha! Well maturity equals giving up those pipe dreams, and accepting the reality that alcohol destroys us. I choose life today! And hope you do too!

  • DaniZ, I can relate. This was me yesterday. I felt like I was a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. I am on day 6 and feel broken a lot of the time too. Funny enough the difference a day makes though. Today I see the sun shining and am able to see beyond today and I feel hopeful. I have done a lot of feeling sorry for myself as well. I am sure I will have more days like that, because that’s life. Sober life. But the way my feelings have turned around today reminds me not to make rash decisions about ditching these beautiful 6 sober days I have managed to get. Gonna take care of my baby sober “chick.” Also join with Pippa in saying that this community gives me strength to hang on when my feelings are absolutely not supporting my sobriety. Strength in numbers as they say.

  • Day 9 and it had all been going so well… until today at work my manager just had to exert control over my relocation plans to another country (for no adequately explained reason) and then the relocation company was meant to be meeting me at 7pm and just didn’t bother to show up!! I agree with DaniZ that I logically know I should be grateful to have this wonderful opportunity and many other blessings in life, but right now the Beer Gorilla is full of righteous indignation and ready to swing his apey arms at anyone who gets between him and the nearest pint!
    Thank the universe that DaniZ, Belle and others on this forum are there to make me realise that I am not the only lunatic with an anthropomorphised inner animal trying to tempt me to the nearest pub.
    Fuck you beer gorilla – I am the higher primate here and you are just an oversized chimp. 😛

  • Thanks Pippa, for putting into words “my” feelings and motivation. Belle’s daily mails including comments and words from “the gang” (like this!!) make me feel belonging. Belle’s newsletter is one my three pillar stones for staying sober (beside Online AA meetings and the WFS forum). Now being nearly 7 months sober, I’ve never got that far ever. Thank you and thanks Belle for this community here.

  • DaniZ- I totally get that! I’m currently in the same place! I know I need to stop drinking. I recently did dry January and I was happier, had more energy, more motivation, healthier, able to handle my kids and life in general better. But then it was February and I was drinking again and I don’t WANT to stop. I need to stop and I want to want to stop. And I’m just so angry about it…

  • I like Pippa’s post. I sort if think.that this Gang/group support/ thing and of knowing so so many other people feel the same, is a big help.. LesleyBlueSkies

    Post from S
    Totally can empathise with this. My first reaction to her email was that maybe it isnt the right time for her, maybe she hasn’t yet reached her ‘BOTTOM’ *DO we even have to reach our Bottom* ??? Million dollar question.
    I have said so many times that “I want not to drink” MORE than ” I want to drink” !!
    Always ended up drinking though, sadly. This time for me feels different now that I have found you Belle. I dont yet know why… its Day46 for me. Early days, but very different from my previous couple of decades attempts.
    LesleyBlueSkies

    To daniz
    Big hugs to her, it made me smile. It’s me, it’s you, it’s all of us. Keep going girl. I love your honesty, it’s the only way to go. People who matter will support you, if they walk away , then accept it. *dont know where that thought came from* lol
    LesleyBlueSkies

  • Day 48 so far. I’m getting to the point of having to look on my Dry Days app to see what day I’m on. 🙂
    We were out with friends over the weekend; I was the only one not drinking. I was amused my GF asked if I would get a her a glass of wine (I was paying and she hardly ever drinks). It was the first time ever that I bought alcohol where I didn’t imbibe. I couldn’t imagine that 47 days ago – I would have hated feeling left out. Now, I just chuckled to myself at the thought. Thanks for all the emails of wisdom, Belle!

  • 46 days sober and this weekend was the hardest so far, watching my husband and adult son drinking together in our night out and me on alcohol free beer and water. Then having to get into bed with him smelling of wine, waking up with him in a grumpy mood cos he’s hung over on our first weekend away together of the year. Having to drive home cos he’s too tired. My reward? Feeling fantastic myself I guess?! Your emails have kept me going through the weekend and kept me in touch with the me that wants to be sober. Thank you Belle and thank you everybody that emails Belle. Knowing you’re all out there is gold 🙂

  • As of today, I am 9 days sober — I am sure that makes some of you giggle, but, for me, it is the BIGGEST accomplishment and LONGEST AF time in years! I am experiencing all, or most, of the happiness echoed by so many being AF 🙂 BUT, I am SO STRUGGLING with my trigger time — when I get home from work (usually WINE TIME!) and I am so afraid that these tempting hours are going to destroy (my short, but admirable) sober streak. Any advice?
    Thank you!

  • I thought i’d share a new sober tool i have – i have been watching on YouTube an American show called “Intervention” where each show follows 1 person (sometimes 2) in their struggle with their addictions and the impact on their family. At the end an intervention is held, and if they agree to get help (most do), then a follow up is done 3 months later. Most are successful. While some of the people are into hard drugs, the majority are severe alcoholics. It is very “sobering” to watch these people in an absolute mess and to see the despair of their families. It has helped me look at the effects of alcohol in a more objective way as when you watch someone else and think “what an idiot when they have so much other great stuff going for them” it is scarily like holding up a mirror. Uncomfortable viewing but helps me to not reach for a glass of wine.

    • I used to watch that program too- certainly easy to see how the addiction was destroying their life and those around them.
      I could always come up with a reason why I wasn’t “ that bad” though which isn’t a particularly helpful way of looking at it is it?
      Maybe now I’m sober I might have a different take on it who knows…

  • I love that idea of sortie being “ sorted”!! But I don’t think I’ll get to that place. Maybe more accepting of the fact that I don’t have everything sorted…
    I guess I also wanted to say that it is good to know there are others “doing this thing” . Especially good when I see familiar names pop up and I’m like “ oh they’re still here doing this” . It’s very encouraging.
    I can do remember those times of feeling very angry and ungrateful for everything even though I had much to be thankful for. Those early days of stopping are so difficult and confusing- just hang in there DaniZ, it does get so much better and way easier not to drink….

  • I tell people that I want to drink as much as I like without actually falling over. Obviously this indicates a problem ;-). That’s why I had to stop, totally.

    I’m LOVING the snippets of emails you’ve been sending the last 3 weeks or so Belle – SO helpful to see my exact thoughts being voiced by someone else, and your wise and thoughtful responses to them. Feel like I’m learning alot, just from that. I’d LOVE more of that 🙂

    Happy to be here and 612 days sober 🙂

  • Don’t you feel like being on a plane is somehow a ‘nowhere’ land with ‘nowhere rules’… always a dodgy place for me. I think no-one will know if I drink when I’m hundreds of feet up in the sky… very dangerous. I have four flights coming up over the next ten days… maybe this time I’ll manage to fly sober… lovely paintings btw. I love the ‘sortie’ one because it also looks like ‘sorted’. Which I’m not. Yet. But I aspire…

  • I totally understand S. and not being sure if I have a problem with drinking…., there is a 100 day challenge you can try and at the end, when your head is clear, then you can decide.

    • Me too…I feel the same way Barbs. Im almost at 1 month (on day 22)
      But every now and then wolfie still whispers to me. Belles emails are so important to so many. Love you Belle Thanks