From my inbox, this message from L:
“I woke up feeling MUCH better after emailing you. is there a connection? probably so. and also i had a bit of a revelation.
remember my email where i talked about feeling like wolfie was behind me, and i was scared to turn around to check to see if he was getting smaller, blah blah blah? …
i realized something. i didn’t feel like i was doing the sober thing properly, not because i was stuffing my mouth with cake, but because i wasn’t getting “better.” i wasn’t being cured of my wino-ism. at the end of the 100 day challenge i wanted to keep going because i still didn’t know what i thought about it all. but that was probably code for, “i’m not cured yet, so i need to keep going.”
THERE’S NO FUCKING CURE!!
and its taken me this long to accept that. wolfie wasn’t going away because he’s a fucking cockroach, and those motherfuckers do not die. they would survive a nuclear war, and so would wolfie. fuuuuuuuuck wolfie.
cockroaches are fucking disgusting creatures and i fucking hate them (can you tell)? but i’ve also over time accepted that they are here to stay. and so what do i do? i make sure that an exterminator comes regularly to spray. and as soon as i see one around, if maybe i’ve forgotten to call the bug man, i sure as hell call the bug man then. i don’t let them infiltrate and set up shop. first sign of them and i take action. because i fucking hate cockroaches.
and i hate wolfie too.
now my next bit of work is to really truly accept that wolfie is here to stay. and get to work on keeping him away.”
Unfortunately yes there does seem to be no cure. Wolfie is still shouting and whispering sweet nothing’s in my ear. Hubby asked today if I was still craving a drink…..my honest answer was yes, but that it wasn’t as bad as it used to be.
I know giving into that voice will lead to disaster so I try to listen despite thinking it might give me some reprieve from my worries and struggles.
T’would be nice to think he’d just stay away for good though!
So damn true…. great analogy for Wolfie! Just when you think you’ve killed the little bastard he comes crawling back out!
I think I remember you posting L’s previous email.I don’t think I came to the same conclusion that L did about his/her own question. But the realization that wolfie never goes away hit me hard this past weekend. I think somehow I was under the impression that he would get smaller and disappear….because that’s what it felt like was happening. I just passed a year sober ( June 24th), I decided to go camping, wolfie showed up with a vengeance, after barely a squeak for a couple of months. It took every fucking tool i had to keep my shit together (there wasn’t even any booze around to tempt me). I made it through that evening and felt all the better for it the next morning. I learned I have to keep on doing the work, stay engaged with my sobriety, because I want to stay here. I also feel good knowing that took action and used those tools.
Whoa! Best soldiers description ever! Maybe it just resonates because I live in Texas, the roach capital of the universe. But it’s true. Neither Wolfe nor roaches ever leave, they just have to be kept away. Any way we can.