from my inbox
P: “I’ve had some moments the past couple days but I’m determined to make it through … I’m still angry at my friends [about my birthday] and the world. I’m still hurt about their thoughtlessness. Oh and another thing that’s bugging me – I sent out like 50+ Xmas cards in the mail. I love getting some back in the mail and guess how many I got in return? Like 8. People just don’t care. Not like I care it seems. Makes me want to hate everyone right now. That’s how I feel.”
me: the thing about holding resentments (birthday/ Christmas cards) is that it’s wolfie winding you up so that drinking will seem like a good idea. as if hoiday cards mean anything. they don’t. you send them because you like sending them. you don’t send them so that you’ll get some in return. if you want a lovely birthday, you do it for yourself. that’s why being sober is about learning self-care.
when you outsource your self-care and count on other people to make things good for you, you will always be ‘disappointed’ and that’s wolfie territory right there. you’re learning now how to do this for yourself. that’s what being sober IS. it’s self-care. and it’s new. and it’s hard. and if you don’t like sending out cards, then don’t send them. but to drink because people like me get cards but don’t send them, is outsourcing your well-being to people like me who just don’t’ think about cards. 🙂 and don’t let wolfie tell you otherwise.
P: “Omg, I never thought of it that way?! Like ever! Holy shit, this reasoning could change my whole perspective on things! YES! Now I feel sheepishly stupid about how I felt about my birthday and Christmas cards. Cause yes, I DO send them out expecting them in return (which never happens and then I feel shitty) and I DO expect others to make my birthday memorable (which is illogical thinking cause they have their own life and problems, they needn’t be responsible for my happiness). My husband has truthfully told me before (in exasperation I’m sure) that it’s so hard to make me happy, that I’m usually never happy, or that nothing anyone does ever lives up to my expectations. WOW truth!!!! OK, my mind is blown here. Thank you Belle for your honesty 🙂 I needed to hear that.”
Thank God I read this and reread this today!!! My one year Soberversary is in two weeks. I’ve been telling my irresponsible boyfriend how important this is and that I want something special! I have totally neglected self care in this situation. He will fail miserably and I will be upset because he didn’t meet my expectations even when I followed the “rule” that I thought would be the one to fix my expectation issue. You know how they say if you need something, don’t expect it, ask for it because people can’t read your mind. I follow that guideline and still have disappointments. I cynically think, I should’ve just done it myself……THIS!!!! If I want it it, I am responsible for MY happiness!!! No need to tempt Wolfie with placing my happiness in someone else’s hands and then have Wolfie congratulate me with one year sobriety, and try to tell me that little experiment is over so now we can get back to boozing it up. He never reminds me of the horror to follow when he wants wine!!! Bastard!!!