this is for you (re: anthony bourdain)

the truth is
i've been feeling off all week. this thing with anthony bourdain has occupied my thoughts quite a bit. what a fucking tragedy this is.
and i've been waiting, as i often do, to know what i think before i speak.

i know this.

we have a head that lies to us and feeds us misinformation.
we often aren't aware of that, and think that the voice is 'true' or 'real'.
we add alcohol to that and then voice is very loud, dark and insistent.

His gilfriend's friend, Rose McGowan, wrote:
Bourdain reached out for help before his death, “yet he did not take the doctor’s advice.”

this is the part that flattened me, i think.

that for whatever reason, he couldn't hear the thing:

you have a voice in your head that lies to you. it tells you to drink. it tells you it won't get better.

you could remove the alcohol and see what happens to that voice.
and if you can't remove the alcohol easily, or on your own (i couldn't) then reach out for help and open the top of your head and let the advice in, even when it sounds ridiculous to your wolfie voice.
remember that your wolfie voice is lying to you.

any voice you hear that ISN'T saying "take good care of you" is wolfie.

i feel like i could say this every day, forever, and it wouldn't be enough. and it'll be just the right thing at the right time for someone else.

It'll be both. not enough.
and enough.

this is for you.



I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I read that Kate Spade was “a major alcoholic” whose life was out of control well because of the drinking.

  • Thank you for saying the things I’ve been thinking. Anthony Bourdain’s death has shaken me. His show was one of my loves but when I quit drinking I couldn’t watch it cause he drank so much on it. So casually, with lust, with pleasure. A way I couldn’t, maybe ever.

    I now know he wasn’t helping himself by continuing to drink while battling his darkness. It makes me more determined than ever to not feed my own monster anymore.

    Thank you and may he rest, finally.

  • I still remember the first time I heard you say,

    “You taking care of you is you. Everything else is Wolfie.”

    I still need to use that yardstick sometimes – it’s such a good one when I get squirrelly. Thanks as ever for all you do. Xx

  • Love you Belle. His passing along with Kate’s also triggered me with sadness.
    I’m positively recovering from severe postpartum depression due to coming off my medication during pregnancy and other factors. I am thankfully 3 years sober. I’m following my treatment guidelines and still it’s a tremendous process to face head on. But worth it and thankfully very much working.
    There is no doubt, that if I would have been drinking still, depression could have killed me. It’s a scary but brutally honest answer to a darkness I didn’t think I’d ever face. Alcohol would have made it worse and there wasn’t much room for anything else to compound the illness.
    You change lives and have helped people save themselves.
    With love and light. Graceful

  • Thanks for this. I’ve been unsettled (understatement) by this … You are so right about the lying voice. Thanks for putting words on all of this for me, it feels like I’m not alone in hearing it anymore and that helps to keep it down to a low roar.

  • I watched an AVICCI biopic made just before he died. And you could have predicted the outcome. Talent. Anxiety. Perfectionist. Addict. Death. Arrange those words into a well known phrase or saying. Add fame for extra pressure.

  • Thank you Belle! You are a treasure. To borrow a phrase from The Bible, you are “ a voice in the wilderness” and I know you are touching many lives for the better.

  • He seemed like such a likable and caring and down to earth person.
    Thanks for:
    1. Telling us about Wolfie…putting a name to the voice.
    2. Educating us on the sly things he says to us. Us boozers have a loud Wolfie voice and tend to believe what he says
    Hope you can do something nice for you this week.