the elevator shaft

email from pumpkin water (penpal #1805):

“Ok start me over. I’m officially on day 1 again today … I had another drink last night … I didn’t finish it, but I did make the conscious choice to buy the pop, make the drink and then proceed to drink most of it. I slept terrible and I have a headache this morning. From part of a drink. This feels like an out of body experience because I was going along so well. So close to the 50 day mark even whereby I was looking forward to seeing my name on your blog celebration roundup. Well no celebration for me.

I’m trying to use your analogy of the elevator to understand what happened. So I got off the elevator and had been sober for 41 days, and was doing good on the floor I was at. Yes I had a few hard days, was sick, wanted to get back on the booze elevator here or there, but managed to stay on my floor and not get back on the elevator….

I need to face away from the elevator shaft. Not go back there. No matter who is on there and asks me to join them. No matter how much I miss it or think that just maybe I can get back in the elevator and hang out for a while taking the risk that it won’t drop. Cause it could drop. If I get back on again, it could drop a floor, maybe a few floors, or maybe drop right down to the bottom like a scary horror movie. I can’t take that risk. No I can’t.

I’m going to make this sober floor of mine beautiful. Yes it’s going to be work, but so worth it. I have a view out the windows. It’s a clear view. Not like the tiny cramped windowless box of the elevator. The elevator that only goes down.

Belle, your emails are like an intercom on my floor. I can reach out and talk to you for support and help to get this new floor of mine going. I’ll email you every day.”


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012