step right up. for one day only, i’m creating an anonymous sober confession booth about SEX. Yes, i’ve got something running through my head and i thought, OK, let’s blog about it. and really, it’s amazingly hard to talk about sex even when we’re quasi-anonymous online. And so then i thought, OK, let’s make it 100% anonymous, me included.
So here’s the deal.
- Post a comment below.
- For this to work you MUST leave your name and your email and your website address BLANK in the comments form (if you forget, i’ll go in and delete that info manually). all comments are to be anonymous. one of the comments will be from me, you just won’t know which one.
- I have no way of personally knowing who posts what.
- In your comment, write two or three sentences (max.) about something about sex that you think is ONLY your problem and that probably no one else has the same problem as you do. For example, i’ll make one up: “I can’t initiate sex when sober but i used to be able to when drinking” … OR … “i worry that i’m the only person who has x problem now that i’m sober.”
- Then post ONE anonymous ‘reply’ to one of the other comments already posted, and say something comforting, consoling, forgiving, kind. In fact, it would simply help if you said “i have this problem, too.”
i have a feeling that this will unfold in a lovely way. because you’re all lovely people. and we all have sex shit that we can’t talk about.
PS. if your name/email automatically shows up when you start to enter a comment, you can manually delete them OR you can ‘log out’ of your blogging profile.
“Drunk sex was good but I always felt sort of violated the next day when reality set in.”
Yep. Yep. Yep.
I used to tell myself that liquid courage is what it took for me to experiment and engage sexually unhindered by my typical uptight nature. But I can’t shake how awful I feel the morning after. Mostly because it seems my husband not only prefers drunk me, but intentionally encourages drunk me so he doesn’t have to deal with sober me. Sober me isn’t that fun or funny. Hell, I even like drunk me better (in bed and otherwise)…until the morning after. Then I hate drunk and sober me and get drunk again to forget both of them (and so the cycle continues).
I am way too self conscious for sober sex. Also, since menopause, it isn’t all that pleasant anymore. Drunk sex was good but I always felt sort of violated the next day when reality set in
Hugs. No one should EVER feel violated after sex. E.V.E.R.
Sex has always been really complicated for me. I did not have a great introduction to it and never thought of it as something for me, to please my body as well as the other person. I had some very negative experiences which have pretty much dominated the way I view sex. Over the years I have been married it has got more and more complicated and less and less. I am hopeful that being sober and being healthier will help me to have a better sex balance. It’s pretty much zero at the moment. It’s something that for me I feel will need some time and energy invested in it to make it better – and while I was drinking that certainly was not going to happen. When I was drinking trying to do anything about it felt overwhelming – now it feels more achievable but still a bit scary!
I have sex way more sober than I did when I was drinking. I would always push my husband away when I was hungover. My husband wants to have sex every day. I’m happy with a couple of times a week. I usually only orgasm with the assistance of a vibrator – which my husband is more than happy to include. I guess that’s something that I think no one else really has? Like do other women just always orgasm from penetration alone? I wonder if other women fake an orgasm? I’ve never faked an orgasm – I’m rubbish at lying!
Me too – I’m pretty we’re not alone in needing some direct stimulation to get there! The way sex is depicted on TV/movies with women having these hot and heavy orgasms from straight up intercourse just doesn’t seem realistic to me. And faking is too much work lol. Sometimes I do a little just so he’ll get excited and finish lol. TMI?
Since I’ve quit my drive is up up up and down down down. We’ve had most of our sex pissed—now I can’t stand bonking if he has booze on his breath, and he drinks most nights….
Well my name comes up so I won’t comment ?
you just need to log out of wordpress and then the name will disappear. also i remove any that happen to remain by accident. you can also delete anything that auto-fills automatically. my site does allow completely anonymous comments. hugs.
Thanks Belle, I knew it was something from my side.
I would have sex with my husband early’ish in the evening before drinking so I could do my late-night drinking guilt free, i.e., without worrying that my drinking was affecting my marriage. (Yeah, I know. With logic like that …)
I wasn’t into sex when drinking, I was into drinking. I liked getting the sex out of the way earlier in the evening so that I didn’t have to worry about it later, it was such a buzz kill!
I’m not really sure how I feel about sex now that I’m sober, I’m still figuring everything out.
I have a much higher sex drive than my partner and he just never initiates sex with me. I’ve brought this up to him multiple times and says it’s because he’s always so tired from work – but it’s starting to affect me psychologically. Now that I’m not drinking I notice it more and I’m holding off from initiating because it’s always me. Usually if I bring this up it results in an argument because both of our feelings are hurt. He’s embarrassed and I feel rejected.
My husband wants to have sex once a week so it’s all rather predictable (this relationship is over 40 years old so without a Kama Sutra intervention it probably won’t change too much). I don’t feel strongly about it but feel obligated as a loving partner to engage. I never regret it, to connect feels good but I just don’t feel passionate enough to initiate it. Towards the end of when I was drinking I was mostly angry towards him so sex sucked. It is better without the anger in the way.
Sex and drinking ruined my life. I married a woman I didn’t love seven years ago. It was a marriage of convenience at the time. I was young, newly divorced from the true love of my life and sinking fast into a dark depression. I felt unlovable, alone, and broken. So, I drank until I didn’t feel broken anymore. I was drinking when I met my current wife. I was drinking while we were dating and drinking when I wishy-washily proposed. I’ve been trying so hard to stay sober these past seven years. The problem is that when I’m sober, I understand I’m not in love, that I’m miserable and threw my life away. When I drink, I feel nothing again, and that apathy allows me to exist in this world.
My husband and I have been married 40 years. When I was drinking I never wanted sex. I only wanted to isolate. Now that I’m sober sex is better than ever and I really think we are closer than we’ve been in a long by time. The problem is I have NEVER had an orgasm when having sex. ( not even with guys before my husband) The only way for me to have an orgasm is from using a vibrator. It is really aggravating. Years ago my husband and I talked about this and even though sex is great it doesn’t get me THAT. So he was cool with the vibrator. I just wish I didn’t have to use it.
Sex is a huge part of marriage and our makeup. I’m old and married almost 40 years and we still have sex about once a week. It’s much better now that I’m sober. I think it’s an important part of marriage. Yes when I was in my 40’s, hungover and so tired from kids and booze I didn’t think I wanted sex, thought I could do without, caused a lot of heartache. It’s so much better now that we came through those years and we’re sober. You need to talk about why you don’t want or enjoy it, something’s amiss.
I have not had sex with another person since my second marriage broke up 5 years ago.While I was drinking I masturbated and fantasised and watched internet porn quite a lot. I would have liked to have had a no strings sexual partner at times, although it often seemed like too much trouble (I only briefly tried internet dating) and I suspected if I did have sex with anyone I would probably fall head over heels in love with them. I seem to do that. Since I’ve stopped drinking I’ve hardly masturbated at all, but I do have a very strong desire for physical contact and affection. An attractive woman of about my age gave me a reiki massage for about an hour, and it was really lovely. And recently I paid for a massage while waiting for the connecting leg of a long tiring (sober) trip, and she offered to masturbate me, which I agreed to, and that was also lovely. If she hadn’t offered, I don’t think I would have asked. Whatever the drive is, it feels much healthier to me than where I was when I was drinking, which had a rather obsessive, desperate quality to it. I think if I did fall in love with someone now, I might cope better, although I have a tendency to fall for rather demanding women, whom I then disappoint, and start drinking heavily to cope with.
It’s great that you feel that you have a healthier relationship with sex than when you were drinking. I feel that there are two types of sex drive – one purely about ourselves and our own body’s needs and then one that seeks to connect with others. I don’t feel at all qualified to say this, it’s just my thoughts, but I suspect that getting the first one healthy and right for each individual makes it a lot easier having sex with someone else.
My husband and I haven’t had sex in over two years and now I’ve taken to sleeping in a different bedroom because it’s more comfortable and I just don’t want to deal with it. We never had a good sexual relationship (married 35 years), and when I think about drinking again, I think at least maybe I’d be a better sexual partner. But I know that’s a lousy reason to drink and more fraught with dangers for me…but I think in his brain, he’d prefer that to having me sober. I think I’ll have to get divorced to stay sober, and most days, that seems fair to me.
I love my husband very much. I really and truly can live without sex most of the time and still feel connected. More so now that I don’t drink. I used to do apology sex and that would fix a drunken problem that I had created. Now it’s harder to make the time because I have all this other stuff that I can do and feel like doing because I’m not drunk!
Sounds all good to me especially that you don’t need to do apology sex anymore! The fact that you love him and feel connected seems to suggest that you have a lovely relationship there. Enjoy doing all those other things! ☺️
I am 42 years old and just not into sex at all anymore – it was sometimes fun when we were drinking, but especially now that I’m sober, it just seems weird and unnecessary to me. My husband is hurt by this, so there is a lot of guilt as well.
I don’t see anything wrong at all with how you feel about sex- have you tried explaining to your husband how it is? Maybe he thinks it’s because of him rather than just that you have changed…
I’ve always had a much higher sex drive than my partner and for me it’s not always about emotions. For that I feel guilty. I quite often have to masterbate to satisfy myself and also quite often imagine being with other men. My sex drive has hugely increased since I got sober and I find that hard to deal with too
I agree. I’ve always had a strong sex drive. But being alcohol free means I feel really good about myself.(physically/emotionally) And that’s led to a stronger libido.
I never want to have sex unless I drink…and when I go through periods of sobriety… I cant make connections longterm with individuals
I understand perfectly. I feel the same way about connecting with people being sober. I do feel like having sex but I can not remember the last time I had sex sober.
I only have sex with my husband once a year. I am sure that probly isn’t normal but he doesn’t initiate it, and I don’t either
Same. And if I am totally honest, I am perfectly happy with the arrangement. I don’t want to have sex with him, or anyone else. But I can still feel guilty, less than, and not normal because of it. Maybe we are not as unusual as we think we are.
I don’t think either of you are unusual. I have a wondrous friend who is in a loving, vibrant marriage and they haven’t had sex for many years.