I will say that probably the Number 1 determining feature of the probability of success in being sober, is an openness to try things that go against what your brain is suggesting is a good idea.
Because you’ve got a brain that thinks that drinking is a good idea, so frankly anything I suggest—like if I say to you, when we’re sober penpals: “I think you should email 3-4 times a day.”
I don’t need to do that
Wolfie comes right in there with, “I don’t need to do that. I’m too busy to do that. I’m too busy to send a one-word email that says ‘sober’.” (Nice.)
You: I’m going to be offline so I can’t email for 6 weeks, 3 weeks, 4 days.
I have an answer for that.
Still send a message every 4 hours, and they sit in your outbox and then as soon as you have a wifi connection, I’ll get them all at once.
Number of times someone has actually done that, and I’ve gotten a whole bunch of check-ins all at once? Zero.
It’s an option. But we don’t want to do it.
Why don’t we want to do it? …
… because we want to keep drinking.
Well, we don’t WANT to keep drinking, but we have a voice that thinks that drinking is a good idea, so it’s going to fight against things that could actually help. Which is this whole thing about compliance.
Example:
You: I broke my ankle, and I want to walk without crutches.
Well, that’s sort of impacts its ability to heal. Might make it that you need surgery down the road. Instead you might need to take time off right now …
You: I don’t want that.
No shit, nobody wants it [laughs]. Who wants to email me 4 times a day?
but don’t tell me you can’t.
Don’t tell me you can’t. Because it’s one word. And you set a timer on your phone that goes off at 9 am, 1 pm, 5 pm, 9 pm—and you send a one-word email every time the alarm goes off.
Don’t say that you can’t.
say that you won’t.
But don’t say that you can’t. Not fair.
And don’t say that you can’t get a sober treat every two days when you’re sober. You’re going to say something wolfie-like, such as I don’t really deserve it; I shouldn’t get a treat for something that everybody else can do without treats; or I don’t have money …
Don’t tell me that you don’t want to get treats. Tell me that wolfie is telling you not to get treats. Because you might as well call it what it is.
Wolfie will say: No treats, not worthy.
Wolfie will say: Too hard, no one will understand.
I’m saying—I’m yelling—Please, please, please …
You: Yea, I don’t want to do that. I choose not to do that.
~
Download the entire podcast episode #213: Compliance
Sign up for the monthly podcast membership (1-2 new audios per week, you can cancel whenever you like … but you won’t. more sober tools = good)
Sober. thank you. I choose to do this because if I don’t, I will drink and I will hate myself. Loving myself and being sober feels much better.
So so good and true.
We hear what we want to hear. We look for reinforcement of the worldview we want to maintain (as you so brilliantly pointed out recently). belle, you are right on here.