In all the disagreements, in all of the arguments, in all of the criticism -- there is 5% that's you. Can you see that tiny bit?
you can fix that.
and when you fix that, EVERYTHING changes.
In this podcast (SP205), I talk about being late, having affairs, and how your spouse might feel when you're over-drinking (panicked).
Here's a clip where you can listen to a bit of the audio.
extract from Sober Podcast 205. Fix Your 5 Percent
You can leave a comment below, anonymous is fine. Let me what you heard in this that seemed 'new' or 'oh right' ... To download the entire audio, you can use the link below.
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Just had a real life lesson in this with my son and his wife. Got myself all worked up. Upon examination, it was clear I had more than 5% role in the situation. Genuine letter of apology issued by me and graciously accepted. Huge weight lifted. Interesting how long it took me to understand my part in this family drama. Am constantly learning how to be the right sort parent for my wonderful adult son and his loving wife.
Hadn’t heard that podcast before. Really helpful…. what stood out to me is how when I was drinking, I was totally unable to look objectively at my part of our marriage.
I’m not saying I’ve got it right, but I am more open to thinking through my own actions and try to make adjustments.
The other thing that struck me was how , in the early months, I was so angry at everything and everyone. I knew it was over the top but was unable to control it. I think partly it was because I was finding it so hard not to drink that I felt I was owed something for the effort I was making. I am feeling much more steady in that regard!
I’m encouraged because I can see alittle bit of progress that I hadn’t seen before hearing this audio ☺️👍
Six days without drinking. There are so many things that you said in this recording that resonate…when things go wrong it’s mostly from misunderstandings, own your own shit, looking around for things to be irritated by, you can’t do this while your drinking, you have to have compassion for yourself to see your contribution to what’s wrong, changing 5% can shift the whole thing.
For the last couple of years I was irritated like hell by my husband. Now, I realize that part of that was me. I’m working on my 5%.
Great stuff, Belle. I love your story about being irritated during the food presentation. That’s me to a tee! The 5% approach is also useful for letting go of resentments. Yes I’ve been wronged, but what part do I own? And how does changing my 5% as a sober person change the relationship today?
I never thought of looking at it that way, but it makes so much sense from this perspective. It’s a very safe approach, it’s a good way to try and tidy up your thinking : “let’s just say things are not as black and white as I thought they were, what’s my responsibility in this? why did this happen? am I to blame? are they? are we both??” You can only do this thing sober, obviously, since Wolfie’s such a huge wanker and likes messing with your head. Living sober makes everything so much easier, so much clearer. You’re able to look back and analyse your actions and their consequences with a clear head. Can you imagine that?! Thanks for the excerpt, I really enjoyed that one.
I agree that when you’re drinking, everything is everyone else’s fault. Starting to see how much of an a*sehole I can be…
The only person I can exam is me.
I play out scenes in my head of what I think is going on, how this or that person feels about me, about what is going to happen. Most times (99%) it’s inaccurate and wrong. I’m beginning to realize that I’m the only person I can control and change. I’m working on releasing these thoughts and it is getting better.
What is my responsibility in this? This is great. Thank you Belle. You always have a way of making things make sense.
We all have to take responsibility for our part ….relationships take two …whether it’s a marriage, work, parents, kids even -own up to your part and change it if you can . I was a manager for about 10 years and would tell my workers hang their shit at the door when you come in . Be there for your clients but leave the shit at the door and everyone will have a better day . Own your part and try to change it .it’s so true we really are only responsible for our part
Drymom – not so dry lately. Up at 1am, cant sleep. Listened to this 5% audio. Wow, so on point. I look at my husband and think why is he acting so annoying lately. I think I woke up just to listen to this, right now. I will be thinking about the 5% that is me everyday now. I will take responsibility for , at least 5%, and watch what happens. I am going to start my 100 days today, July 4th 2017. Thank you Belle
The aha moment came when you changed the word ‘fault’ to ‘shit’ it’s my/ your fault makes me a victim, looking at what is my/your shit empowers me and makes me able to make changes to the situation. Thank you X
Hmm, maybe 5% (at least) of the problems at my job (when I was still drinking) were my fault, after all…
My a-ha moment was when you said, “Is it possible that just me changing 5% was enough to shift the whole thing?”
Once upon a time (several years ago), One of my sons was a chronically sad little boy. I was a mom who was in the habit of reflecting my kids emotions back to them while giving them the words for the emotion I thought I was observing. So, a child comes to me with a frown, I might frown slightly and say, “You look like you feel sad. Do you need a hug?” Generally, I think this is good for kids, as it helps them learn to name their emotions. But. But. But. But I had a chronically sad little boy.
One day, I realized that because he was always sad, I was constantly reflecting a sad face to him. I remember thinking, “Holy shit. Every time he looks at his mother, he sees sadness. Holy shit.”
I stopped that reflection crap that moment (with him). I smiled at my precious son every single time he was with me, even though he was always frowning. The change was slow. So slow. But after a week or so, he smiled when he saw me smile (then frowned again immediately :-). After a month or so, I began to see him smile of his own accord. And it’s only continued to improve as the years have passed. He still has deeper emotions than my other children, but I do believe that in owning my 5% of that shit, he and I shifted mountains of moodiness.
I really connected to this idea on multiple levels. And it makes perfect sense when you put it this way.
My ah-ha moment was taking accountability for the people I’ve been surrounding myself with for years. Amazing humans (really truly some fantastic characteristics too!) but all with some range of wolfie-voice in their heads too. The further away from day 1 that I get, the more I realize that I am part responsible for choosing these friends. And declining sober invites often. Because wolfie friends wouldn’t judge me, in fact they would join me or make MY wolfie voice even louder. Hence, how lonely the first days were/are for me…I have to own that. I love these people but can see clearer now that I NEVER built in sober supports as friends.
Working on it….I’ll let you know. 🙂
Ms Aloha (day 22)
❤❤❤
It does make me think about my role in things. Thank you Belle for this. I’m quick to blame everyone else. But this really makes me rethink that. What stood out for me most about this audio is not being so quick to blame someone else. I need to stop, think about what I did to contribute and then react.
Taking RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN SHIT!!!!!!
YEP, YOU AND I CAN ONLY DO THIS ONCE WE ARE SOBER….
YOU ASK YOURSELF “WHAT IS MY PART IN THIS STORY?? SIMPLY TAKING OWNERSHIP!
5 percents workable. That’s a nice small amount I could commit to exploring
Love this!! It’s just so true… I need to listen to this one once a week 🙂
I agree…once a day for me.
I heard this on the live podcast….
I am finding the more I abstain from drinking, the less anxiety and self loathing I have. Which then translates into a calmer, happier wife and mother. Which then seems to make all around me less annoying….(I suck at math btw, especially percentages)