i have a choice

With a brain that says “I’d like to be sober, I don’t want to give up alcohol, I’d like to be sober, I don’t want to change anything about my life to help make this happen, oh I should probably quit now, why is this so hard when I don’t really drink very much, perhaps because I have a high bottom I could squeeze in a few more years of drinking” … then perhaps the worst case scenario is that you don’t quit now. You keep going until you have really shitty low bottom, or until you’re physically dependent, or both. Then you find that it’s really really REALLY hard to quit. You go to rehab and AA and it’s still hard to quit. Your brain is NOT on your side, and it tells you any manner of things. You have to ask your sponsor if it’s OK to see your ex-husband (no) or if you should go on vacation (do they have meetings?). If booze is an elevator that only goes down, I have a choice.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Yep. I want the benefits of being sober, but I don’t want to quit drinking. I have this battle with myself almost every week. This is probably my tenth Day Three, and that’s when I usually give in. But in my head it’s not an “official” day three, because I haven’t taken the challenge yet so then it’s okay when I do drink, because I didn’t commit to anything, see? I hate my stupid brain.

  • It’s like living in a trap. It’s a cage that booze puts around you and the bars come in and out of focus but, everytime you try to breakout they are there holding you in. Until one day you do slip out or slip down or rise up out of the top. That’s where the exit is—the top of the cage. When you climb out—holy shit don’t ever look back! That booze cage is a trap and sometimes if you slip back in you don’t ever get out. I am thankful to be out of the cage!! And sober supports are like building a lid on top of the cage and sealing it up tight!

  • Hopefully everyone who reads this realizes the choice is to get off as fast as possible. That’s the only choice that makes sense.

  • The consequences of my drinking were getting worse and worse. That’s why I decided to get serious. I lost count…72 days I have? I know it’s over 70. And right now I am struggling. With life frustration and the aftermath of a break-up that my ex handled in a really cruel way. I have had a few thoughts of drinking. But then I tell myself, “It will not help you…only hurt you.” And I have a good cry and keep going. I don’t feel any guilt, shame, racing thoughts or physical sickness from crying. Same can’t be said about drinking.