step right up. for one day only, i’m creating an anonymous sober confession booth about SEX. Yes, i’ve got something running through my head and i thought, OK, let’s blog about it. and really, it’s amazingly hard to talk about sex even when we’re quasi-anonymous online. And so then i thought, OK, let’s make it 100% anonymous, me included.
So here’s the deal.
- Post a comment below.
- For this to work you MUST leave your name and your email and your website address BLANK in the comments form (if you forget, i’ll go in and delete that info manually). all comments are to be anonymous. one of the comments will be from me, you just won’t know which one.
- I have no way of personally knowing who posts what.
- In your comment, write two or three sentences (max.) about something about sex that you think is ONLY your problem and that probably no one else has the same problem as you do. For example, i’ll make one up: “I can’t initiate sex when sober but i used to be able to when drinking” … OR … “i worry that i’m the only person who has x problem now that i’m sober.”
- Then take a second and post ONE anonymous ‘reply’ to one of the other comments already posted, and say something comforting, consoling, forgiving, kind. In fact, it would simply help if you said “i have this problem, too.”
i have a feeling that this will unfold in a lovely way. because you’re all lovely people. and we all have sex shit that we can’t talk about.
PS. if your name/email automatically shows up when you start to enter a comment, you can manually delete them OR you can ‘log out’ of your blogging profile.
I am hardly in the mood ever. And but I cannot shut my brain off when I try
I find sober sex better – real – without the numbness … with my guy of 12 years… but have lately been fantasizing about being with a woman and wonder if I haven’t always felt this under all that booze. It makes me sad that I may never be with a woman because I am a loyal, faithful partner and so won’t stray. I’m over 200 days sober – hallelujah!
Thank God this is anonymous! I will spill my beans that pertain to my sexuality and sex life. Sorry it is long, but I think the history explains the present.
I have grown up with a pedophile father. Not sure if he abused me, I was 7 when he was first incarcerated and my wonderful mom luckily divorced him. He has been out of my life since! I have gone to therapy many times to find out if I had repressed any memories.
When I was 16 I got molested by a male teacher that I trusted and admired! So fucked up!
At 16 my destructive patterns with alcohol begun!
I have never wanted to date man for that reason! And stuck to romantic relationships with women for most parts. Eventhough I would not consider myself gay, I am physically attracted to girls, and it felt safer!
I started having sex at 19, always drunk! My twenties were filled with careless sex escapades, one night stands and general drunken debauchery! I was wasted trough most of it! Jeez, I am lucky I am healthy and alive now.
My late twenties I met my wonderful hubby and we have been together ever since, 13 years now.
Most of our marriage we have had buzzed or drunken sex, I have a hard time feeling relaxed while sober! As if I feel violated and fully aware of it! When I was drunk, I was primal and less in my head!!!
I have been sober on and off through our marriage, but my desire pretty much goes away when I am sober! My hubby is an amazing person and understands, but poor guy has needs, and I need to psyche myself out to have sex!
Today 30 days sober, hoping this time it is for good! I need to relearn to have nice healthy intimacy, and stop thinking myself as screwed up because of my past!
The weird thing is the lack of boundaries while drinking too much has sort of see-sawed to being overly self-conscious when sober. I hope to find my way to a happy medium.
Day 199
Alcohol removed my inhibitions to initiate sex. My wife is not interested and has only initiated sex one time in 40 years of marriage. If I remember correctly, that was 1987. Everything works like it is supposed to. Maybe she had a bad experience as a youth. It isn’t anything she ever told me. Can one be married for 40 years and not ever talk about one’s deep thoughts? Yes.
Now that I’m sober I don’t feel right asking her to do something she has no interest in.
And, I really like sex; however, I really hate myself when I over drink. And, I always over drink. So, no wine. No sex. It’s better that way.
I too was molested when I was young so sex has always been good and bad for me. My problem with being sober is I don’t think I love my husband. I may never have. I think he wants me to drink so we can have sex without any emotions or true connection. Wine has been my main way to be sexual. Without it will there be any love??
I actually enjoy sex more when I’m sober. My body is more sensitive and I feel like we really connect better spiritually. I’m slack about initiating. It’s something I need to work on. I love my husband and we’ve been married a long time. I just get lazy sometimes.
Truthfully, sex often happens in the morning or mid-day so being buzzed wasn’t part of it for me. I am 57 now, however, and the female body really makes sex difficult as we age. I am so busy working on my sobriety that I think my husband feels ‘on the outside’. I truly believe that the longer I am sober I will like myself more and be more willing to give of myself in that way:) It’s an important part of a relationship.
I have always enjoyed sex and was very confident when I was younger. But now sober and much older my sex life has suffered. It’s been ages, I get into a complete pickle just thinking about it. My partner is lovely and understanding and that just makes me feel worse.
I recall a post which said that being sober meant having more empathy and boundaries, that is certainly true, and like others I feel awful about my old drunken ways. How do we deal with that? Try to block it out, pretend it didn’t happen???
And how to overcome the current situation???
I feel some consolation knowing that I am not alone with this problem….
I’ve also become disinterested in/more inhibited during sex since getting sober, but, for me, I know this has to do with the natural process of recovering my body and mind, not to mention my desire.
I’m fifty-few days sober and exhausted beyond belief. In my bed, Sleep is Queen.
I recently discovered a blog and some books that deal with these issues–the blog is http://guineveregetssober.com/ and the author is http://jennifermatesa.com/.
I’m reading The Recovering Body right now and plan to read Sex in Recovery next. I haven’t listened to the #SoberSex podcasts/video series yet, but they are on my list of things to add to my toolkit!
Reading The Recovering Body has reinforced all the things I already knew to be true: I’m detoxing, I’m depressed, and my body needs to move in order to boost much-lacking levels of dopamine (this means exercise *and* sex, yes!?).
I know I’m not alone in my experiences of abuse, shameful drunken sex, and carnal dysfunction, just as I’m not alone in my recovery. So fucking grateful for that.
I used to drink as a way to block out the rejection I feel because my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me. We haven’t had sex in 4 years! It’s awful–I want a normal marriage. I workout and put myself together each day, It just doesn’t make sense why he chooses porn over me. Now being sober I’m thinking about divorce because I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this 🙁
I feel profound shame about my alcohol-fueled sexual behavior. I hope to someday forgive myself and overcome it.
Am I unattractive?
Am I a bad kisser?
Am I too small?
Am I terrible at sex?
Is she even in love with me…..
Today is my exwife’s birthday. Divorced for 10 years now. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. She was the love of my life.
Sex destroyed us. We were so young and naive when we married. Had no previous sexual experience and it showed. I put too much pressure on myself early in the relationship. Turns out she was never into sex. Didn’t need it or want it. She didn’t understand this about herself while we were married. As a result, I dealt with years of rejection and self-confidence issues. I drank to make those feelings go away. When the feelings went away I was happy. When I was happy I was confident. When I was confident I would at least attempt to initiate sex. Most often I’d meet with rejection, but because I was drinking I could handle it. A vicious circle ensued.
Eventually everything fell apart and I was too destroyed to fight for her at the end. I would give anything today to go back in time and save us if I could.
Sometimes I do wonder though. If we were together today, would I be still be sober?
F*** you, Wolfe. I’m totally f***able. Always have been…always will be.
I orgasm so much more now i am sober. I can feel more – less numb perhaps.
I was molested as a child by a family friend and then raped as a teenager by a girlfriends drunk uncle. As a young woman I drank a lot and I was promiscuous, maybe I was trying to prove that I was okay? I never learned to set boundaries around my body or with my husband. As a sober person, I have to psych myself up and mentally prepare myself for sex in advance and remind myself I am safe and that it is okay. I do enjoy sex, but if my husband approaches me the even the slightest wrong way then I will go into fight or flight mode. When I drank that noise went quiet, I could throw caution to the wind, but now I cannot hide from it, I know I need to make love to my husband, he has been so upset over it, it is important in a marriage, it isn’t that I don’t want to, but at the same time the thought of it makes me want to scream, he doesn’t seem to understand that and I feel quite alone with it.
Since starting my journey in sobriety I have realised I’m not the wild child I thought I was. Ever since I lost my virginity stoned on marijuana at the age of 16 (with a boyfriend of 6 months), I have been having sex in a haze of booze and drugs. I was a teenager in the 80’s, when women were beginning to take back their power in the realms of work and love and sex, and I think I wanted so badly to be one of the ‘cool sexy chicks’ that I did everything to fit in with this image of a woman who knew what she wanted in bed and wasn’t afraid to take charge. Always off my face on something.
Now, married 11 years to a truly wonderful man and 4 months sober, I’m learning how to navigate my sexuality again and facing feelings of shyness, fear, lack of interest in instigating sex, dealing with my changing menopausal body, ‘finding the right time’ to have sex and communicating authentically during The Act.
I’m pleased to say I’m starting to lighten up around the whole thing now, and can incorporate some laughter at times. We’ve been constantly blasted for years with images of how female sexuality should look and I think this has damaged women immeasurably over time (sorry guys, don’t mean to exclude and I’m sure you may have ‘stuff’ to deal with around sex too:).
My body is more sensitive sober, and I’m learning to deal with the shyness I have in enjoying these sensations. Still, it’s a work in progress.
I’ve also always worried about what’s a ‘normal’ frequency in a marriage – sometimes we can go weeks without it, but lately it’s been more often. The weeks on end without it was when I was drinking heavily and passing out.
I totally relate to this. I always wanted to be a ” cool sexy chick” in the 89’s … now, I’m desperately trying to find a new me with 3 months sober. Being a ” hot” menopausal woman doesn’t quite scream sexy to me -yet. It’s slowly getting better, but I wish more of a desire for sex was still there.
Hi -,I am very single at the monument and the thought of even kissing seems weird – but during the last relationship I was in , we both gave up drinking for 6 months and I can honestly say that the sex was even better. We were both really present and senses were heightened and orgasims easier. No hangovers so morning sex was fun.
Okay, I’m really hoping this truly is anonymous, b/c I’m going to spill my guts.
I’m a very feminine woman who happens to be gay. I absolutely love having sex with other feminine women and “dominating” them. My entire adult sex life has been: get a buzz, flirt with my partner (if in a relationship) girl I’m interested in (if single), take her home, and run the show: hair pulling, ass slapping, using toys, bossing them around, tying them up … you get the idea. I completely get off on controlling the whole thing.
But SOBER??? Completely SOBER?? It feels like I’m a different person. I know that person is in here somewhere, but it feels like she’s activated by booze.
How do I gain the courage to do and say (with confidence!) the things I could so easily do and say with a buzz????
I am single and have not had sex for the first time with someone while I was sober ever! I wonder if I will be uninhibited enough to do it. I think it will have to be someone I know really well, which is probably a good idea anyway. But it is really intimidating thinking about it.
I’m worried I will not be able to meet a sober man.
me too
I have not had sober sex in 22 years. I can’t even imagine initiating it sober and I’m worried about bumbling through it. The funny thing is, it never crosses my mind that it may go smoothly and be better than I can imagine. Why is worry the go-to when it comes to sober sex??
So true. I think worry is our default.
I understand that…I am worried I won’t be able to meet any sober friends. I don’t know any who doesn’t drink. Where do we find these people…..
Since being sober I’m just not interested in sex anymore. When I was drinking it was totally a different story. And of course this causes issues with my husband. I’m hoping this is something that will pass.
I thought I might be the only one having this issue. I just don’t have the desire I used to when I was drinking. I’m afraid of what it is doing to my relationship.
I am self conscious when it comes to knowing what I am doing during sober sex. I think too much about what is happening instead of just enjoying it.
This is me too. My hubs will tell me to quit overthinking it and of course, then my mind goes into overdrive.
This is such a good idea. I”m 52. When I was younger, and unmarried, I would have “great sex” and 85% of the time I was buzzed. I rarely had an orgasm from intercourse because I think the alcohol dull the senses. BUT, it did help reduce inhibition, so I always enjoyed being the sweet girlfriend out of bed and the whore in bed. My husband & I got married 15 years ago. With work, kids and the general routine of life, our sex life started out like this, but has gotten fairly humdrum. Plus, I rarely initiate, which is a problem. I used to do so more, when I was buzzed, but now (pre 100 day challenge) the buzz would make me tired and still uninterested. I’m still sexually interested in men because I find myself attracted to men all of the time, they just happen to be outside of my marriage!! I’m not acting on it, and particularly now that I am sober, I am less concerned that I might do something really stupid and act on it. I am hopeful that, with sobriety, I can introduce something new into our sex life and be fully present while doing so. I really like sex and miss it, but I’m not feeling it for my husband or maybe I’m just out of practice. Personally, I think it’s unnatural to have one sex partner for life, but that is the social contract in my world and I signed on for it. Can anyone else relate to this?!
I totally relate. I was promiscuous for the last year or so that I was drinking ( some anonymous hookups, an ongoing hookup). I’m still in an extramarital affair that started when I was still drinking ( plus I still have another booty call around occasionally). My therapist encourages me to keep my side of the street clean (think that’s an Al Anon concept) and while I haven’t had a drink for a year and three months I don’t want to pull the plug on the sex. I think part of my drinking was caused by my unhappiness in my marriage. My husband has many good traits and is a good dad but not a great husband — a lot of control issues and utter lack/ interest in engaging emotionally. Sex when we have it is good and is kind of the way that we “connect” but it is rare and the last time I tried to initiate he rejected me and said “I’m not your sex toy.” So it’s obvious and rational that I’m seeking sex and being desired elsewhere. Kind of a radical notion of self care. But probably not sustainable.
Yes, I can. I was quite promiscuous in my earlier years and often reminisce about ‘that girl’ who was told she was amazing in bed and had guys eating out of the palms of her hands because she didn’t care for any commitment or attachment. Well, that girl was also shitfaced most of the time and not being her true self. I’m learning to be fully present during (now) sober sex with my 11 years husband and have realised I actually am quite a prude at times, LOL! I see it as a new journey into sexuality now that I’m going through some menopausal changes. I do look at other guys, more-so in the media than out and about. Ok, well sometimes at the beach. 😉 But, I think if the situation arose with anyone else, I’d clam up and not know what to do! I’d never think of being untrue to him, but there’s no harm in allowing yourself a few fantasies, is there? x
I still have shame about my sexual exploits in the past while drinking. One night stands, propositioning acquaintences, and cheating on my husband (now divorced). Still trying to figure out boundaries to keep me healthy.
I can totally relate. While I am not proud of all of my sexual past, I still have those thoughts cross my mind. I have the sobriety and wherewithal to let those thoughts pass and not act on them. Which is all practice in setting boundaries.
I have a history of molestation, so physical intimacy has always been difficult for me. Drinking made me easier (less self-esteem) but it didn’t make me sexier or more likely to have an orgasm. Being sober hasn’t changed this. I get tired of thinking “I’m frigid.”
drinking never made the sex better for me either, but it allowed me to not feel so anxious. I also find doing it sober really hard (I was assaulted too). I totally understand what you are saying. I haven’t used the word frigid, but I’ve certainly wondered what was wrong with me.
I have a worrying physical issue which is affecting my sex life. When I was drinking I didn’t think about it, just carried on with my husband. Now I’m more sober I’m inhibited by it.
I know the feeling. My imperfect, unacceptable body feels so much more present when I am not drunk.
I worry that I won’t be able to visit strip clubs with my husband now that I’m sober. We used to do this as a marital jump start but I could only do it when sloshed.
I am frozen even thinking about sex. I am a youthful 65 years young and have been divorced for 5 years. wine had nothing to do with the divorce although he loved to pour lots of wine for me. I am 40 days sober for the third time and the thought of getting naked with a man, any man , makes me feel totally AFRAID. Wine would be a nice calmer downer but I will not choose wine this time or chocolate or Ativan or anything from the outside. I am going to for the really FIRST time look to my inside and get real and figure out this insecurity and anxiety.
I think that when it is the “right man” (even if it’s “mr. right now”, you will not feel afraid. Don’t pre-suffer it. Congrats on 40 days and good luck!
I am also divorced and in my 60’s. I think that if it’s the right guy and the right time we will not feel so freaked out. My plan is to just take it slow!
I feel this too. I’m widowed in my mid-50s. My drinking became a problem after I lost my husband. I have had one relationship since then (which is now over), but was always drunk when we had sex. The thought of trying to find someone new and navigating all that intimacy without alcohol is very intimidating. Right now I’m just not ‘on the market’, but I have a lot of years ahead of me…
This is me exactly…except I’m divorced 10 years and 44…pre- and post-divorce I used alcohol to initiate sex. My ex-h didn’t want sex…a whole other issue…and I’ve had way more drunk sex than a person my age should. I pretty much stopped that post-40 except when I got into a relationship…which for me seems to escalate the alcohol abuse. Ugh. Anyway than you for sharing because I feel less weird to be so afraid of something sober that I love when I’m drinking.
For the past year, I woke up kinda feeling like I have had sex with my husband but I cannot remember because I blacked out.
Been there. Absolutely been there.
I’ve SO been there too.
I have sex less often since I started being sober. I don’t know why and I feel pressure because of it.
I understand. I’m having to actually express what I want sexually now, which involves thinking about it, which is intimidating. But I am slowly finding a way back–or maybe, for the first time, a way forward–to true sharing, verbally as well as physically.
Me too! We had sex a lot more often when I was drinking (when he wasn’t mad at me for drinking). I kind of think part of the reason I initiated it then, was I though it would somehow “fix” problems with us, which were a direct result of the drinking – plus I was just more in the mood when buzzed. Now it’s cut way back…I’m just not in the mood as often and I feel pressure too. When he starts getting pouty and won’t say what’s wrong I know exactly what it is. And i don’t know how to fix it short of pretending to be in the mood.
I can TOTALLY relate to this. So me!
I am going through the same thing.
I feel the same way. I wonder if it gets better with time?
Me too. I used to initiate it a lot more often because the booze used to get me in the mood. These days I feel much shyer about initiating it. I know from being 2 years sober before that I am perfectly capable of being more up for it than I am at the moment, and that the sex was much better sober because once I was sober and had better self-worth I got better at communicating what I wanted as well as making my other half happy. I didn’t have a small child last time though, so I wasn’t half as knackered (no pun intended) all the time… I am really hoping it will come back with time and hanging on to those lovely memories.