i rebel against me.

i’m doing my yearly offline for most of August thing.

and everything is like everything.

there’s a transition, a detox. what do i do with this time now that i’m offline and not glued to my computer. (who am i now that i’m sober.)

how do i unwind without a video game or a tv show or one more trip through facebook. (what do i use to unwind once the booze is gone.)

what’s the point of my life if i don’t get all of my meaning from being online? (who am i once the booze is extracted. once the anaesthesia is removed. how will i interact with friends.)

at first, all the time seems too large. like i’m not my real self. all the things i usually do require an internet connection (all the time i spend in the evenings or with friends requires alcohol.)

when really

it’s about self-care.

naps are fine. healthy food leads to more even moods. running leads to a brighter outlook.

and me? i balk at self-care. i don’t shave my legs, change the sheets, go to bed.

and what would happen to this i feel empty space if i filled it with self-care? shudder.

so yesterday, i did the following: went for a short 17 minute run, shaved my legs, put conditioner in my hair (!), went for a long walk, had a nap, and had a manicure (finally, it’s been 12 years since my last one).

but what does wolfie think i should do? remove the booze (remove the online connection) and wolfie encourages me to just sit here and roll around in how uncomfortable it is.

Why not write longhand.

Why not read or walk or photograph.

Why not cook something new.

Why so inert? Why so uninspired?

Switch to enough sleep. See how that goes. Try different.

I like this new me, I know it suits me. and yet i balk.

i rebel against me.

i resist that which will make me feel better.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I sometimes wonder what I am punishing myself for. Though I’ve certainly not always been happy or gotten what I wanted, I am SO LUCKY to have a very good life now. But I still have episodes of real self-punishment – punishment which takes more than one form. Am starting to see it is al part of the same thing. This post spoke to me.

  • This is so me! My biggest reason I started drinking was because of self loathing! I had something traumatic happen and I had to escape from the shame and disappointment I felt for myself. The crazy thing what happened was not my fault! But man how that alcohol made me numb. Made it all go away. Now, it’s like a habit. So, I appreciate you saying…try something different. I did buy a really nice camera. That’s made a difference. So glad I stumbled upon this!

    • /I rebel against me/

      Yes!!! And how ridiculous! I believe I will always be rebelling against something — the trick will be to practice rebelling against things other than myself, outside of myself, things that contribute to the continued chaos in my life, and to the self-sabotage that has shaped me up to this moment.

      Things this (former) rebel grrrl has been practicing railing against of late:

      Other peoples’ shitty boundaries
      Dirty dishes : )

  • “I resist that which will make me feel better”. I have been trying to figure that one out my entire life. Self destruction always made me feel better… or so I thought. Down is up and up is down. Hopefully I’ll be learning a new song. Thank you Belle for being you.

  • I’m totally new to this blog and today is day one for me without drinking.I’m so ashamed of myself and how far I let my addiction carry me away. I am spending hours on you blog reading stories ans comments and finding a lot of comfort so far. I’m excited about this journey

    • Yes. Excellent thoughts and so true. I have stepped up my self care with facial wash and cream. I am getting in my exercise regularly. Still pissed at my weight. Day 4 Funny girl?

  • Oh can I relate, Belle! I rebel against me all the time. I’m finally learning to practice self-care instead of just reading about it. And it’s hard, it’s different. Hey, different = sober, yeah, that’s it! Have a wonderful break! You so deserve it 🙂