since everything is like everything, i will tell a story about getting up early.
wanted to get up early for weeks (years) because i like the calm and quiet, and i feel better about me when i do it. (wanted to be sober for years because i like the calm and quiet, and i feel better about me when i do it.)
i think it about it for years before there’s any action. (ditto.)
then i fuck around a bit, try it here and there, don’t really take it seriously. don’t set up any accountability. ask someone with no authority to hold me accountable. generally do nothing. manage one day then crash again.
ok let me back up a bit so that this will make more sense.
for about 6 weeks my husband and i had been up each other’s noses. completely. sky is blue? not it isn’t. spoons face down in the drawer? what’s your problem with that. and for a while i literally thought he should ‘go on vacation’ without me but his passport had expired.
then 2 weeks ago, after one of the shittiest days, it was a saturday night, i thought oh god my life is so out of control, i can’t get anything, i spend all of my time looking at him wondering why he can’t be different. that’s it. i’m getting up tomorrow (sunday) at 6 a.m.
which i did. emptied my inbox. had 3.5 hrs alone in the morning. he gets up, i’m already feeling centred and accomplished (!) and so he seems pleasant. is it me who’s different? i’m sure it’s him.
we have the best day, and since then we’ve been fine again.
did getting up at 6 a.m. save my marriage? (if you do some good self-care can it help you be sober?)
sure. (to both.)
if i turn and face me and take care of me and do what i need to do, am i easier to get along with, less up his nose, and generally more comfortable in my own skin? (duh.)
a week goes by. i plan to get up every morning at 6 a.m. after that one time, but i don’t.
then this past week, that’s it i’m doing it. set my alarm for monday morning, then when i wake up i promptly turn it off, sleep too late, don’t get enough done, feel behind and irritated all day. i KNEW there was something that would make me feel better, but i just wasn’t doing it. (sound familiar?)
tuesday. same thing. set alarm, turned off alarm, slept late.
wednesday morning. alarm goes off 6 a.m. and i think to myself … (get ready): “Try Different.” If turning off the alarm repeatedly isn’t working, try getting up. just try it. try different. (i won’t like it, it’ll be too hard, i’ll have to go to bed early all the time, how will i cope with some future imaginary event where i have to be up late.)
wednesday morning i got up. did a long run in cooler temperatures. had a bath (look there’s time for baths again if you decide you’re going to focus on taking care of you). i worked straight through till 5:30 pm. same thursday. same friday. all good days. very good days. one was even a 9/10 day.
ok, long story for nothing. today is sunday. 2 weeks later. got up this morning at 6:30 a.m. It’s a good day. there was bread made today. there was lounging in the park. there was lunch with friends.
already told my husband that i’m going to bed at 9 p.m. tonight. (you’ve already told your husband that you’re not drinking tonight.) he made a face. (ditto.) i’m still doing it.
it’s what’s best for me. (oh and i’m not drinking, either!)