i did not ask for help

sobriety is like catering. it’s easier if you have help. we get stuck in wanting to do it alone. no one will understand. it’s somehow weak to ask for help.

there’s this strange, prickly part of us that wants to show some imaginary universe that we’re sooooo self-sufficient that we don’t need anybody for anything ever.

but we’re not like this about everything. when we got to dressmaking class, we accept that while we know a few things, the guy who’s been doing it for 40 years probably knows a thing or two he can teach us. we we want to improve our 5K running time, we go online, read books, hire a coach, join a training group, email the fast-running uncle (doesn’t everybody have one of those?).

sobriety is like catering. i was very calm today. i didn’t get agitated. i worked at an even pace all day. i did not ask for help, though. so i worked 6 a.m. to midnight (it’s 11:46 pm now). and tomorrow i get up at 5:00 a.m. to continue. Why 5 a.m.? that’s what i have to get up if i do it all myself and still deliver by noon. Could i ask my husband to get up with me at – let’s say 7 – and we could do it together.

i could.

but i’m a boozer and i like to do things by myself. on my own. to ask him to get up with me would mean that i haven’t done it right. i should have asked someone else. i should have started earlier (not really possible when working with sandwich assembly).

oh i just remembered that my slices xx should have damp paper towel between them. gotta go. i will learn this sometime. i will. the thing about asking for help? i’ll learn it, right? right?


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

    • funny. right as we went to bed, he offered to get up with me at 5 a.m. Set his alarm and everything. then it didn’t go off and he didn’t get up… good news is that it’s not taking as long as i’d predicted, so i’m getting through it ok. first third of sandwiches done, 6:30 a.m. …

      • and then he got up at 7:30 am, we worked together until 11, and finished with time to spare (that never happens). all is well.

    • i remember when i first read her book, i didn’t like it at all. then by the end she had won me over. i should read that book again. right after i have a nap !