Sunday. another cutting-room-floor extract. i’m writing a sober book and big chunks of the first draft was eventually removed (sometimes because of repetition). i now have 61 pages of ‘extra’ that will not be in final version. here’s some:
All the standing around waiting to feel like it? That’s all wolfie. You won’t like being sober, he says. You’re not going to like feeling better. You’re not going to like who you are when you’re sober. Those sober people are special, whereas you are a fuck up.
That voice in your head that tells you that drinking is a good idea, wolfie can disguise himself sometimes and he sounds like a regular critic. Sometimes he’s saying “Drink now. You should celebrate sobriety by having a drink, you can quit again later.” It’s easier to recognize wolfie when he uses “drink” in the sentence. But then I learned that any voice in my head that is saying something negative, critical, difficult – it’s all wolfie in disguise.
Here’s an example: This isn’t worth it, this is all too hard, you’re going to feel gross forever. Then right at the end, in little tiny small print is:
IF YOU HAD A DRINK THIS WOULD ALL STOP.
The voice in your head that is taking very good care of you? That’s YOU. The voice that says – “skip this event, go to bed, have a treat, change the sheets, take it easy, you’re doing great” – that voice is you.
And ANY voice you hear in your head that isn’t saying “Take Good Care of You” is wolfie.
Who you can freely ignore.
Day 9 for me and Wolfie has been having a field day about how dreadful it would be never to drink again. I said some rude words to him in the car going home and he fell silent. Tonight I am going to soak in a hot bath, fill a hot water bottle and tuck up in my flannel sheets to listen to Belle’s podcasts. A fine end to the day!
Love, Min xxx
Two years sober today!!! Thank you so much again, Belle, for helping me through those first months. I’ll always remember waking up hung-over, desperate to change my life, and reaching out to you. Sobriety is my greatest act of love to myself so far.
Sometimes Wolfie would tell me that drinking was a way to take care of myself.
Now, I know what self-care is!
If I had a drink, I would be breaking a commitment to myself, to God, and to this program. That is unacceptable. I am one of those people where failure is not an option, no matter the obstacles. When I put my mind to something, it gets done. No matter what. One of the few benefits of being super type-A and stubborn.
We need to all write this on our mirrors: “ANY voice you hear in your head that isn’t saying “Take Good Care of You” is wolfie.” Lately wolfie has been talking to me about moderation… “you don’t have a problem – you just need to count drinks – pay more attention – make rules – blah,blah, blah”. Hidden agenda: “focus on the lure drinking so that you can’t think of anything else.” THAT is NO WAY to overcome a problem!!! I’m at day 16 but I’m moving further and further from day 1 and remembering that the-day-BEFORE-day-1 was the problem! Keep going, my friends. Keep your momentum.
I was definitiv one of those who thought: everyone who is managing this sober thing is special. Not me. I can’t. I don’t trust myself because I had a couple of days 1 and so on. But being here on this blog, talking to you, Belle, and just listening and reading and listening and reading on a daily basis suddenly began to change things inside. I am getting used to my new me. It’s starting to get normal, and I love this kind of normal! Especially not having hangovers anymore, couldn’t tolerate alcohol anymore anyway, so it was bad. It took a little time. But it is so worth it to keep on hanging in there. So I messed up a couple of times. But now it’s ok. I learned to be friendly to myself, not beating myself up for everything that went wrong, incl. my drinking habit. And suddenly it works. I don’t need the drink anymore. Just don’t need it. Still can’t quite believe it. Because I never thought I could do this.
and happy day 66 to you today!
Day 29. Celebrate sobriety with a drink! That is a good one and has been whispered in my ear by Wolfie a few times. Seems so ridiculous when I write this. Thanks for such great examples of how to tell which voice is Wolfie and which one is me.
Oh my goodness I needed that today! I am taking care of myself today against all my thoughts that tell me I am disappointing others by doing this for me…..thank you, this made me feel like I might be doing the right thing today even if it is selfish and I’m not going to be there at my families events today 😉
I always think selfish is choosing to drink and ignore the world. Self care is doing what’s best for you today.
It’s better to disappoint others than to disappoint yourself. Your needs come first. And, usually, the others completely understand.